


A Court of Steel and Fire

by hey_itsjoanna (jth30)



Series: Pre-ACOSF Canon [1]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:54:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 48,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27168908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jth30/pseuds/hey_itsjoanna
Summary: I just can't wait for ACOSF anymore, so I took matters into my own hands - my take on what Nesta and Cassian will get up to once they hit the camps.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Series: Pre-ACOSF Canon [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2114565
Comments: 110
Kudos: 271





	1. Chapter 1

\- Nesta -

My sister and her mate, the High Lord of the Night who hardly tolerated me without his eyes flashing with judgement and disapproval every time they beheld me, stood before me. Feyre, to her credit, seemed apologetic; Rhysand’s face read to me more like concern and I knew it wasn’t for my sake.

Elain broke the little line they formed on the veranda of their palace – the House of Wind, and put her arms around me. I did the same, but held my tongue despite all the last minute thoughts that flooded my mouth. I willed them to stay there; I didn’t dare utter them in the presence of the court’s spymaster who put his hand gently on Elain’s shoulder as she fell back in line. She’d hardly seemed to notice as their interactions were growing more and more intimate and natural.

Feyre approached me then, her gaze intense on my face as she carefully selected her words.

“If you think the flight will be too much, there’s still time to change your mind. Rhys can winnow you in.”

I wanted to spit at her that I did not expect, nor want any help from her mate, but I shook my head instead. She cautiously approached and also put her arms around me in an embrace I refused to reciprocate. I turned my head to Cassian as soon as she let go of me, not wishing to actually exchange any words with them directly. Cassian however, was my travel companion; I would have to speak to him eventually, so I decided this was as good a time as any to start.

“Is there anything I can do to make this easier?” I asked him, ignoring Feyre who blinked in surprise, evidently at the fact that I cared to assist anyone besides myself with anything. She must have forgotten that I had once agreed to assist her and her merry band of idiots in a time not so long ago, assisted them by going into war.

Cassian seemed frozen at my side, no doubt also taken aback by the question, probably having counted on a lack of cooperation on my part. Well, he wasn’t going to get it today. I decided to encourage him by cocking my brow expectantly, which seemed to do the trick because he plastered a smug grin on his face before answering in his usual drawl.

“No sweetheart, just hold on tight and enjoy the ride.”

Elain blushed slightly at the innuendo, she never quite got used to his particular brand of banter, but I stared straight in his eyes as I shrugged, showing him his smart mouth didn’t faze me. But deep down I couldn’t help but wonder if it really was nothing to him, carrying a whole other person on such a long journey. Although I suppose I had lost a lot of weight, which would surely make it easier for him. I had spent the night preparing myself on what such prolonged proximity to him would feel like. It didn’t intimidate me that I would have to touch him, hold on to his hard, warrior’s body for so long. But mostly I hoped that the howl of the wind would be too loud to have any sort of conversation. Though Cassian wasn’t much of a talker these days either, not with me anyways.

So I ignored his quip and steadied my grip around his neck, he tightened his around my waist and with two mighty flaps of his wings we were off the ground, the still figures of my sisters growing smaller and smaller until the bustle of Velaris was a murmur in my ears and the forms on the veranda were a blur. Clouds were above and below us, and I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. Hiding it would mean burying my face in Cassian’s neck, my lips inches from his throat. I did not do that. Instead, I let him see that in this moment, right then I felt happy and safe _with him._

The flight was slow and strenuous, even when all I had to do was hold on tight, I could only imagine what it felt like for him, lifting another person, wielding those large wings. Yet he did it without complaint, barely working up a sweat. I expected the journey to be long and difficult, and I worked hard to ignore his hands sliding lower on my back as he adjusted his grip. I focused instead on his steady heartbeat that lulled me, like it was a lullaby I’d listened to since birth, his scent flooding my senses so thick I could almost see it, taste it.

Seeing the camp, this barren place where Cassian came from, I had to recognize that it hit home for me and I could boil it down to the fact that I too understood and remembered what it was like to have nothing. I knew Cassian did not expect me to, but of course I knew, of course I remembered the hollow feeling in my stomach, the ache of my bones at the constant cold. I saw the people huddled around the campfires and remembered the chatter of our teeth as we gathered closer on the small creaking bed, Elain, Feyre and I as I cringed away from their frozen toes. The only reason I’d escaped that life in the first place was of course Feyre, for the High Lord of Spring only took pity on us, _her family_ because he had been in love with her. Although I can’t say with certainty that he didn’t still harbor those same feelings for her.

I could of course never reveal this to Cassian, the fact that this place, brutal as it was, called to me in some way – he was after all forged from the very steel and grit of it. He may have had to battle his own demons here, but he faced them and came out the other side ever the victor. I allowed myself a bitter smile at the thought of Cassian losing at anything, even a battle with himself, it sounded ridiculous. I envied him now, the fact that in this place he had gained a family, and yet it’s where my own sister decided to exile me like an outcast.

Last time I was here I had received a less than warm welcome, from commanders like Devlon in particular. I stood out to them as something foreign, something dangerous, something _other._ In some ways they were not wrong, but I couldn’t provoke them, not like last time – not if I wanted them not to despise me. It wasn’t easy being liked, though I’d seen Elain be naturally endearing all our lives. It was a quality I knew I didn’t possess. But some part of me didn’t want to embarrass Cassian – I was enough of a burden to him, having to train me, although it’s been something he’d seemingly wanted to do ever since I’d been under the protection of the Night Court.

I eyed him carefully from a distance, he was talking to some commander, making arrangements about our living quarters, and I willed myself to move away, to explore. I refused myself the indulgence of using him as a crutch. I was given a fresh start and I would make use of it. I enjoyed the fact that the reaction to my presence here was so different to how people treated me back in Velaris. Here no one cared who I was, what I’ve done, what I’ve sacrificed. And with that thought in my head I myself took the first step in approaching a female skinning fish next to the fire.

“Can I help you with supper?” I asked.

She nodded and moved a bucket over to me with her foot. I reached for my Illyrian blade, but she clicked her tongue at me.

“Use this one,” she said as she tossed me a knife from her bag. I caught it in mid-air. “No need to ruin a good blade with fish guts.”

I nodded and got to work, the stench and the mere action of having to do actual work for my supper mentally transported me back to that hovel again. But in this fresh start I’d been given I was determined to pull my weight, so gone was the Nesta that would rather starve than prepare a meal. I worked methodically, ignoring the cold that numbed my fingers. I was so absorbed in my task that I wasn’t even tracking Cassian anymore, I was so focused on not messing up that I nearly jumped when I heard his voice behind me.

“Emissary.” He said, ever so formal. Gone were the endearments of this morning. “Our lodging’s just up there. You can come find me once you finish.”

I simply nodded and watched him as he disappeared. I made a mental note of which way he turned to ensure I won’t be needing any help finding the place later.

I had no idea how much time had actually passed until I had cleared the bucket and stood up, stretching my legs and arching my back. Making my way to Cassian, I was aware that I reeked badly, but he’d seen me at my worst so I decided it didn’t really matter. I followed the steps I’d seen him take earlier and found myself in front of a small stone house. I was about to knock on the front door when it creaked open and he appeared in the doorway wearing nothing but a towel wrapped low around his waist. I couldn’t help the annoyance that crept on my face. He didn’t seem to bother in the least and barely moved ann inch as I stepped past him and into the house. It was clean and tidy, but while small it lacked the cosiness you’d expect from a house this size. It was the one thing our desolate cottage somehow managed to possess – cosiness and charm, thanks primarily to Elain’s great efforts.

“Are you gonna tell me where the bathing room is or do you take particular pleasure in having me in your living room stinking of fish?”

He bit his lip as he pointed to a door at the back of the open space that functioned as a kitchen, dining area and living room. I covered the distance in long, purposeful strides and had my fingers wrapped around the doorknob when he put his hand on the door, his arm stretching inches from my face. I couldn’t help but stare at the swirling maze of his tattoos. His voice broke me out of my trance-like concentration.

“I think you’re forgetting something.” He said and I braced myself for another smart comment. He must have realized I’d had just about enough out of him for one day and decided to make his point. “Towels,” he laughed. “Unless you wanna drip all over my nice floors.”

I rolled my eyes at him – there was nothing nice about this room. Not that I was in a position to tell him that, he had after all seen my apartment in Velaris. But as if he read my mind he responded.

“Look, it may not seem like much, but it’s pretty good… For Illyrian standards at least.” He seemed a bit defensive, hurt even. Yet again he had unbeknownst to him showed me just how similar we were, he took pride in his origins however humble or complicated, and I couldn’t fault him for that. So I smiled as sweetly as I could, hoping it would him at ease, but it didn’t.

And just when he opened his mouth and I expected him to say something, anything, he just sighed and moved away towards another door that turned out to be a storage cupboard. He dug around and emerged moments later to deposit a clean towel in my hands. He didn’t meet my eyes, he just made his way up the narrow stairs, disappearing up to the second floor of the house that I was yet to explore.

I finally entered the bathing room and my senses were assaulted by his scent. It was as if the steam had magnified it and it was everywhere now, I almost turned to head back out of the room but I put logic first – he’d heated the water and in these freezing temperatures it wouldn’t have remained hot for long. I inspected the water in the bath for any evidence that he hadn’t changed it, although I was certain he had, and then I stepped into the bath. I let the water scald me, hoping it would help distract me from the image of Cassian on the floor above; the glistening muscles of his abdomen, the sculpted lines of his body calling to me. I took my time, scrubbing my skin with my nails for lack of better tools and when I was satisfied that I removed the acrid smell from my person, I stepped out. And that’s when I realized that my clothes, whatever belongings I had sent ahead of my trip must be upstairs, all my clean clothes. I cursed under my breath but decided against wearing the change I had just shed on the floor. So I wrapped the small towel around my body and while I prayed he was still in his room, I didn’t know where mine was so would have to summon him anyways.

As I stepped out I spotted him in the small area designated as the kitchen, working on something that didn’t smell quite so promising and had my stomach flip-flopping. He turned around as he heard me emerge, but to his credit didn’t make a single comment about my scandalously clad appearance. He just pointed to the stairs.

“Take the one on the right. Your trunk’s in there.” He said simply and turned his back to me again.

\- Cassian -

The sight of her, hair dripping down her back, her long legs barely covered by the little scrap of fabric that she’d wrapped around her midriff. I thanked the Cauldron I’d taken my Siphons off to wash myself and hadn’t bothered putting them back on again. They were a sure tell I couldn’t hide from her keen eyes. But here I was, my face a mask of calm indifference as I spoke to her, my voice even as the waters on a summer lake. All I wanted was that she’s not afraid of me, that she’s comfortable here, under my protection. I continued working on my stew as a breath escaped my lips, long and tortured. I counted her steps, heard her open and close her door and it was all I could do not to laugh at myself. It served me right for poking fun at Rhys when he was beside himself while he courted Feyre. But Nesta taunting me with her body, it was only the beginning. Mother knew I’d seen enough of her urges while she ploughed through the male population of Velaris. I asked myself if I had the stomach to witness her do the same with the males here at the camp. I wondered if she understood that Illyrians were a different breed to the purebred High Fae she’d kept as company.

I was about to weigh my odds of having her slit my throat if I warned her about it, when she appeared back on the stairs and my breath caught in my throat. She wasn’t wearing her usual dresses, though she’d worn one when we flew in. No, she now wore tight pants, crafted from what was unmistakably Illyrian leather. It made my blood burn, it made me want to peel them off her. In my mind I was screaming, my senses on fire as she approached. Did she not sense the danger? If she took another step I might have to take another bath, a cold one this time. She was right, I was a prick and I was disgusting, but she seemed unaware of the war that raged in my mind, as she stood so close now.

“So what is that?” she pointed to the pot I had completely forgotten about and I caught the tiny wrinkle of her nose. If it were anyone else I would have already yelled at them to go fetch their own dinner. But for her… if she told me she craved wild boar I’d go slay a fresh one from the mountains right away. If she said she wanted fish, I’d go catch them with my bare hands. But she never told me what she wanted, or what she thought, instead she tortured me with her silence and her judgement.

“It’s a stew, Nesta.” I said and despite my effort I knew she could tell she offended me because her stern expression softened by a fraction. But I knew, the way I knew everything else about her. Because she was all that mattered to me and the world had seen it when I’d abandoned my men as soon as she called for me on the battlefield. We’d won, but at what cost if the men didn’t trust me anymore? That’s what I’ve been sent here to repair. And when Rhys and Feyre asked me to take Nesta along, as much as I craved any excuse to have her near me, I knew that her presence here complicated things. But for whatever reasons, Rhys wanted to send this message, he’d wanted people to know Nesta, welcome her as part of our Court. It’s not like I expected her to charm them with her winning personality, but there was something Illyrian in her, in the way she carried herself and if she actually let me, perhaps I could help her harness that energy. She of course didn’t respect me the way she’d appreciated Amren’s help but I could certainly be more fun, if she’d let me…

She didn’t offer any more hints as to how she found my cooking and we ate in silence until she set down her spoon and looked at me intensely as she asked.

“Why are we not eating outside with the rest of the…”

I watched impassively as she struggled with the word.

“The rest of them.” She settled on.

Did she want to go outside so she’d start picking through the men here to keep her bed warm? Was that it? It took everything in me not to erupt with fury. I smiled instead but it didn’t quite reach my eyes and she’d set her lips in a thin line before I’d even uttered a word. Because she knew what went through my filthy head and of course it offended her.

“I just thought you might not want to socialize after such a long trip.”

She nodded slowly. _Yes, Nesta. I’m selfish. I wanted you all to myself._

She looked down to her plate again.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice unusually quiet. She wasn’t one to mumble often. “That’s very considerate of you.”

My hand moved of its own accord, reaching across the table for hers, but my reason caught up with it before I finished the movement. But she knew what I was about to do, I could see it in her wide eyes, the fire that burned behind them now boiling like a furnace. I smiled bitterly as I remembered there was a time when she let me touch her, when she’d shielded my body with hers.

She jolted from her chair.

“So what time do you want me to be ready tomorrow?”

She paused and I guess there was surprise, or confusion on my face because she added, “For training?”

I nearly choked. I thought I’d have to drag her to the sessions kicking and screaming, and here she was actually enquiring about them. She was so strangely agreeable today.

“Is seven good for you?”

“Don’t you usually train at six or five?”

My mouth dropped. “Um… Yes, but –”

“Then six it is.”

I nodded slowly. I wasn’t about to question her. It only took one wrong word to piss her off, especially from me.

“Good night then, Cassian.”

“Good night, Nesta.”

I watched her disappear up the stairs and sighed as I picked up the dishes and moved them to the sink to clean them. I really just could not understand her.

I went to bed with the thought that she lay in her bed only a few feet away from mine, only two wooden doors separating us burning in my mind.

I sat up in bed, finally accepting the fact that I wasn’t going to sleep any time soon, I was starting to wonder if I should perhaps relieve myself and be done with it, about to debate whether I was filthy for even thinking that. Her scream pierced the night, and I was reaching for my blade and kicking her door down without even checking if she’d locked it first.


	2. Chapter 2

\- Nesta -

Pain gripped me with its sharp claws and yanked me out of sleep. I blinked, still disorientated, trying to see in the dark, trying to remember where I was. Someone was screaming and before I’d even realized that it was me, Cassian had kicked down the door.

I tried to sit up, but my insides felt like they’d been caught in a churner. I quieted as I took him in, as he stood in the doorway assessing the room, looking for a threat to take down, as his sword glimmered in the pale faelight that illuminated the narrow hall behind him. Then my eyes moved from his sword to his athletic body as he covered the distance between us in long strides and sat on the bed beside me. He relaxed his hand holding the sword but he didn’t let go of it.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, genuine concern clouding his hazel eyes as he peered over my face.

I was still panting, but opened my mouth to answer him when another rush of pain surged through me and I tried to hold back another scream. I tried and failed. His eyes widened in alarm as he tried to understand, but as the pain of another cramp subsided, I recalled Feyre’s warning about fae monthlies.

I bit my lip as I immediately thought of Elain having to endure this – our cycles had ben the same when we had been human and we had been Made on the same day so that meant hat she’d soon go through the same hell, if she wasn’t suffering already. _Without me, without my help._

Cassian registered the understanding that eased the furrowing of my brow and shifted his shoulders, his posture only a fraction more relaxed. And as he did, I realized he’d rushed in without wearing any clothes. First, my eyes must have lingered on his broad chest, covered in swirling tattoos as was custom for Illyrian warriors. I kept my gaze there and not an inch lower for a second too long, and he must have realized too in that moment because he eyed the sheepskins I was tucked under with longing but he wouldn’t dare touch them, get under the covers with me.

“Nesta… What happened?”

I took a deep breath, I wondered how much he knew about these things. And I knew it was improper for a lady to discuss them, but if I knew one thing about him is that he would not leave me alone. Not when I was screaming in pain every ten minutes.

“I think I’ll need to take another bath.”

“What? Why?”

I sighed and pushed back the bedsheets and moved to the side, showing him the blood that stained them.

His eyes finally flashed with understanding, and then I saw something else there – panic.

I pressed my lips together. “It’s not the plague, Cassian. It’s just my time of the month, or year, or whatever,” I said to him matter-of-factly.

But he’d already sprung into action, ducking back into his room and emerging moments later with his pants on.

I pushed myself off the bed and pulled one of the furs around me to hide my stained nightgown and motioned for him to step aside. He looked at me with raised brows and an expression of utter surprise.

“How can you even…?” he made a gesture at my current upright position.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you saw what Feyre was like when hers came. And her reaction was actually pretty average. Mor spends hers barely getting out of bed. We don’t see her for days –”

I rolled my eyes at the mention of her name and he immediately closed his mouth and no other sounds came out of it, a small mercy. He knew there was no love lost between me and the famous Morrigan.

“I’m going downstairs to heat the water.” I said to fill the silence.

“Just stay in bed. I’ll call you when the bath’s ready.”

“I’m not an invalid, Commander.”

And then fire flashed in his eyes as he charged towards me. I wanted to take a step back and stop him but he was too swift. And before I realized what he was trying to do, I was in his arms again, for the second time today. I had half a mind to slap him, but my body just felt so strained. This really was an entirely different affair than when I had been human.

So I just closed my eyes and felt his muscles contort under me as he carried me down the stairs that were so narrow that he had to twist me so that my face was buried in his neck and his hand shielded my head.

He deposited me on a chair when he reached the kitchen and he got to work hitting water in the only two pots that were available in this godforsaken place. I watched the muscles on his back contract with each movement, and focused on breathing through fits of pain that came and went. To his credit his focus never wavered from that task he’d set out upon.

When he decided the tub had been filled to a satisfying amount he stopped in front of me, his arms open in front of him in an invitation for me to let him carry me again.

I rolled my eyes at him in disdain. “It’s three steps to the bathing room. I think I can manage.”

I doubted he even vaguely tried to mask his disappointment.

I wobbled as I stepped toward the door, lightheaded from the blood loss and exhaustion of riding the waves of sharp pain. He was at my side, steadying me. I’d known it would be like this, seeing so much of him all the time. But this day, it’s already been so much more than I’d ever thought I could stand of him. The proximity was a deafening reminder of declarations made when the two of us believed we wouldn’t live to see another day. Every day of my life since, I felt the weight of those words spoken on the battlefield, and my actions couldn’t fall further from that promise.

I steeled myself to face him and found some unfamiliar emotion in his eyes.

“I’ll stay while you bathe,” he said, an edge to his voice that provoked me to challenge him.

“You’ll do no such thing.” There it was, of course he thought I was a common whore.

He eased his arm from my elbow and when he made sure I could stand on my own he crossed his arms and moved to the doorframe.

“You need to relax, sweetheart. I know you don’t want me here but Feyre’s going to have my head on a stick if I have to tell her you cracked yours open slipping in the bath.”

It never seized to amaze me how Cassian now answered to Feyre; she was his High Lady, she’d give him orders that he had to follow. He’d lead armies to slaughter in her name. It made my stomach clench thinking about the power my sister yielded over this man _that I cared about._

I rolled my eyes at him because I knew he wouldn’t budge, and I knew he sort of had a point – my vision was blurred and I didn’t fully trust herself not to collapse the next time the pain seized my body. I moved quickly, removing the fur I had wrapped around my body and shoved it in his arms. He caught it and while he fumbled with it I made quick work of untying the lace of my nightgown and letting it drop to the floor.

He looked up at me then and I thought he’d spontaneously combust. I stepped out of the dress and turned my back on him to move towards the tub. I heard the sheepskin fall to the floor and felt him approach one moment and the next he had one hand on my back and the other took my elbow, helping me ease into the tub. I shuddered at his touch although his hands were warm. He must have felt it because I heard him hiss a breath. I knew I could provoke him then, turn and face him, challenge him to act on all that he said he felt.

But he was being attentive and respectful and I didn’t want to be cruel, although everyone thought me so. I’d stepped inside, the water hitting up to my knees when he asked.

“Can you sit in the tub now or is it still difficult for you after –”

After I was shoved in the dark void of the Cauldron and made into fae?

“Yes, I can manage it now.”

“Oh you can manage anything, Nesta Archeron.” He put a bite in the words but I could feel the sort of pride that emanated from him. He was proud that I’d scaled that wall of fear that had me faint and shaking every time I had to bathe myself.

“Thank you” I said as he lowered me to sit in the tub. But instead of releasing me, his hands lingered. And then he knelt beside me.

\- Cassian -

I was on my knees before I’d even realized it was happening. Until I saw her blue grey eyes widen with question. But I wasn’t backing down, I was determined to walk that tight rope and get to the other side.

The vision that was her naked body, pale and slender called to me, foreign and yet somehow familiar at the same time. I wanted to touch her and in my fevered brain I’d found my excuse. I reached to the table beside me and found the cloth she’d probably used earlier to wash herself. Her scent marked the little rag so strongly it drowned all other thoughts out of my brain.

I waited for a biting comment but when none came I dunk the cloth in the water. I clenched my teeth, making a silent vow that I wouldn’t cross a line. I expected her to smack my hand away, but she remained very still as I made contact with the alabaster skin of her back. Well, not me exactly, but the darn cloth. I would have given my right arm to be able to feel what her flesh felt like under my fingertips, would she get goosebumps if I run my hand along her spine.

 _Focus Cassian._ I kept moving slowly, my hand stopping at the water’s edge that covered her to her waist. I lifted the rag back to her shoulder and trailed it down the other side of that slope. It snagged on her protruding collarbone. _She really did need to start eating more._ I waited there, I dared a glance at her and found her staring intently at my face. I wondered what she found there.

I fought my instinct to tease her, try to get some kind of rise out of her. She was irresistible when she got frustrated with me for saying dumb things. But I didn’t dare provoke the beast that slept in the depths behind her eyes. If I’d learned anything in the years of gruelling training in the mountain peaks that surrounded us, it was to pick my battles.

I realized then that she was waiting for me to do something, pinning me with her gaze. So Cauldron boil me, I let the cloth trail down her breasts. And then I broke her gaze to look down at her body that was calling to me. The sight of her stern gaze while her body clearly responded to my touch was another contradiction that was so uniquely her that it felt intoxicating being in her presence.

Drunk on her scent, I forgot all the promises of self-control I’d made and let my hand travel down her stomach.

Her hand snapped up from where she was gripping the sides of the tub and grabbed my wrist.

I froze.

She stood up then, pulling me up with her, pulling me to her and I growled as she tipped her head back and like a magnet, my lips crushed into hers. Soft and luscious, they parted for me as she panted with desire. She pulled her body flush against mine and I shivered as droplets of water transferred from her naked skin to my bare torso.

And then my mind filled with blinding light, this urgency where every fiber of my being screamed only one thing. For the female I had in my arms.

“Mate.” I breathed.


	3. Chapter 3

\- Nesta -

The word slipped his mouth and it was almost a gasp. I could have missed it, as my breath came ragged and my heartbeat rung in my ears.

“Mate.”

I pulled back immediately and run to cover myself with a towel. It was as if something broke. I no longer felt like I was floating, airless. I felt heavy and restless at the same time, like I wanted to run but my feet were made of lead.

I’d heard stories of males blinded by desire as soon as the mating bond snapped, how they were overcome by it and immediately sought to bed the female. I should be afraid, what chance did I stand in defending myself against a seasoned warrior, even when he didn’t have his Siphons on?

My mind raced, I knew there was a connection between Cassian and myself, but I refused to see myself as “destined” for any male. Cassian had made his desires clear on several occasions but I must have been blind to deny that it went beyond what a simple attraction. This was something I couldn’t begin to comprehend, something ancient that tied me to some cosmic plan, some intricate tapestry of Fate where I played a part in a larger picture.

I watched as he fought for control over this thing that seemed to consume him. Half of me wanted to comfort him, but as I was trying to remember what Feyre had said, mostly to Elain, about the bond and about having to accept it, another nauseating cramp caught me by surprise. It twisted my insides so hard that I barely managed to get to the toilet and hurl my guts out.

Whatever he was going through, he managed to put it under control _for my sake_ and he run beside me.

“Nes?”

“Stop calling me that,” I panted.

He laughed bitterly. “Glad you found the strength to be your usual delightful self.”

“Take me upstairs and find me rags for my unmentionables.”

He laughed again. Well, it was more of a bark this time.

“I tell you you’re my mate and first thing you do is start ordering me about?”

“Well, your timing isn’t that great now, is it?” I retorted. “Besides, I thought you already felt that, the way you were so intent all over me.”

“I always suspected,” he said quietly. “But it hadn’t snapped.”

“So why are you just standing there?”

Something glinted in his eyes that made me take a step back. “You want me to –”

“No! No…” I said maybe a little too hasty. “I just thought… I expected you to be more…” I searched for the right word, not wanting to offend him. “Frantic.” I settled on.

He just stared for a moment and then he wrapped me up in the towel tightly and scooped me up in his arms again.

I could feel the restraint in his body, the way he was pulling at every reserve he had to leash the part of himself that broke free. I knew if he’d had his Siphons on he would have drained them. I closed my eyes because the image of his face contorted with effort awoke too many memories… of him scarred and bleeding. And I had to remain calm, to maintain whatever grip I had over this impossible situation. I was stranded with him in the middle of nowhere and he was like this. How long would his grip on whatever kept him sane would last?

“What are you doing?” I whispered trying to keep the panic from rising in my voice as he led us to his own bedroom instead of mine.

“I kicked your door down, remember? Thought you might want a door. That locks.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Won’t you just kick that one down too?” I said matter-of-factly.

He deposited me then on the bed with a softness that was so unlike him and I saw something like regret flash in his hazel eyes.

“Not unless you asked me to.” He let out.

and I realized then that he may command the Night Court armies, but I commanded him.

I nodded and he pulled away moving towards a chair in the corner of the room. he took his shirt that lay discarded on it and started cutting it into strips, rupping it apart with his bare hands.

I cringed at the brute force. “What are you doing?” I said for the second time that evening.

“You asked for rags for your… situation? Do you think I got them lying around, sweetheart? Usually it’s just me here when I come to oversee things.”

“Oh.”

Once he finished he lay the strips of cloth on the bed and retreated from the room. When he returned he put a clean change of clothes next to the rags.

“Get some rest, Nesta.” He said to me and for some reason I couldn’t clearly understand, even to myself, it felt an awful lot like goodbye.

\- Cassian -

The moment I closed the door behind me, knowing that on the other side of it Nest would once more shed her little towel and wear the white lacy nightgown I’d fetched for her, I knew there was no going back to sleep. I’d be a descend male, I’m not gonna be the animal everyone makes Illyrians out to be. I’ll give her space until she herself is ready to accept the bond.

So I descended the stairs two at a time and moved to the back of the house where I decided to chop some firewood and work through the thoughts that raced through my head like a raging snowstorm. I tried hard to pause and take stock of where I was, the way I often did during battle. In all fairness it felt a lot easier than I’d expected. I thought back to the faint images of Nesta screaming and fighting before she’d been submerged in the dark depths of the Cauldron. I’d known then, hell I’d suspected since the first moment I’d seen her standing in her family’s reception room. She’d been filled with hate then and that hate turned to rage once she was Made. An anger that filled me with terror far great than I’ve ever experienced in the field. Terror about what would become of her if she ever let herself become consumed by it.

I had been looking forward to finally getting her to agree to train with me and had hoped that I would be able to help her channel all that energy coursing through her like I’d helped Feyre deal with her grief, but now it was all for nothing.

As the first traces of morning light broke out on the Illyrian sky, I dropped my axe to the ground and went inside to write to Rhys, informing him of Nesta’s condition and that she needed to be comfortable and should be taken back to Velaris. I would have taken her myself if it wasn’t so crucial for me not to look like I’m putting her first every time and me ferrying her back and forth would look like just that. I made the decision to omit the fact that the mating bond had also snapped for us. I wasn’t sure whether Rhys would have deemed me unfit to stay and complete the mission he’s assigned me – get the troops to fall back in line.

I was about to send the message off and was wondering if I should also leave one for Nesta to read before she left as I had to head out before she woke. An apology, or a goodbye, but I was never good at this stuff. I doubted anything I said would help my case.

Then I heard footsteps on the stairs and looking up from the small desk I saw her come down dressed in her Illyrian leathers like she had yesterday. It was almost six o’ clock.

I rose to my feet. “Are you crazy?” It slipped my tongue before I could even register I was speaking.

She narrowed her eyes at me.

“Nesta…” I tried to reason with her. “What are you doing? You can’t be up, most females need the whole month to recover from the… ordeal.”

“Human women are expected to go about their lives as if nothing happened. You’re telling me that fae with their powers and their potions can’t deal with a little blood?”

Her tone dripped with sarcasm. She made my blood boil in my veins; I wanted to take her against the wall then and there. I just rolled my eyes at her. “I’m not training you.”

“Then I’ll find someone else who will.” She said petulantly, crossing her arms.

And of course she knew that would hit home for me. Images of Devlon sparring around in the mud, his hands all over Nesta’s lithe frame, correcting her stance was enough to get me raging. I banged my hand on the desk and I thought it might break. “You wouldn’t fucking dare.”

“You have no right to tell me what to do.” Sparks shot out of her eyes as she pinned me with her gaze.

“I’m writing to Rhys. You’re going back to Velaris today.”

She let out a cackle. “Haven’t you heard? They don’t want me there. I ruin their good reputation or whatever.”

“It’s not up for debate. Feyre and Rhys don’t hate you. They just want to help you. You’re going back whether you want to or not.”

She walked up to me, her face inches from mine and she tilted her head up in defiance. I could feel her hot breath as she spoke the words.

“Make me.”

And I’m not proud of it, but I did then the one thing I knew would push her over the edge. I laughed at her, like she was some silly girl I’d never take seriously. _Which couldn’t be further from the truth, she was my Mate, my companion, my… everything._

She struck me. Hard. The slap echoed around the room and I could feel my cheek sting instantly. I didn’t have time to consider how to respond because the front door flew open.

_Protect. Protect. Protect._

I threw her behind me, putting myself between her and –

“Az?” My mouth dropped. Az hated this place, I took way too many trips I didn’t have to just to spare him the aggravation. And here he was of his own free will. I steeled myself waiting for the bad news.

“What happened?”

He laughed and threw his hands in his pockets casually. “So much pining and the bond only just snapped?”

So he knew. “How–”

“Elain.” He smiled as he spoke the gentle girl’s name.

At the mention of her sister, Nesta stepped around me.

“She saw?” She asked and I detected a hint of panic rise in her voice as I remembered our, or rather _her_ state of undress at the time.

“She was checking. She was worried.” Az explained.

“Does Rhys know?” I asked ready to accept the consequences – officers were often asked to step down temporarily when they were freshly mated just for a year or two until they got their head on straight again.

“Has she accepted it?” Az asked with genuine curiosity.

“Of course I have not. I’m not some show horse you get to breed to the ground.” She spat at him with disdain.

“I thought so.” Az said with a cocky grin. “Though by the looks of it, brother, you’ve tried.” He said eyeing my face with meaning.

I lifted my palm to my cheek that was starting to swell. “Hey, I’m not a pig, alright? So what, you flew here in secret? Oh boy, Rhys is gonna rip us apart for this one.”

“Rhys knows I’m here. He thinks I’m checking in, making sure you haven’t killed each other.”

“Did Elain tell Feyre though?” Nesta interrupted. “Because she’d tell her mate everything, or he’d find out through the bond or however this works.”

 _What did Nesta know of bonds?_ I made a mental note to try and find out, I was afraid their might be a lot of misconceptions in her mind that were not helping my case right about now.

“She came straight to me with this. She could imagine the consequences.” Azriel told her simply.

“Well, I haven’t killed her.” I said. “Though Mother knows sometimes she makes me want to. But now that you’re here take her back with you. I was gonna tell Rhys. She got her first blood. Not ever I suppose, but as fae.

Az blinked and addressed Nesta when he spoke. “How could you possibly look so well?”

Nesta shrugged. I wasn’t feeling great last night, but I feel much better now. I expected I’d be training by now. I wasn’t expecting I’d have to beg _him_ for a lesson.”

Az tried his best to conceal his amusement. “Remarkable.” He whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

\- Nesta -

“She’s something else isn’t she?” Cassian said, pride swelling in his voice. It made me want to hit him again.

“She’s gonna be the death of you, I can tell you that much.” The shadowsinger said with amusement.

Then Cassian turned to me and I don’t know if it’s his friend’s presence that made him that way, but he seemed lighter somehow, like a weight had been lifted off him.

“Are you sure you’re alright today?”

I nodded with certainty.

“And you really wanna train?”

“I’ve said so already, haven’t I?”

Sensing the tension build again, the other Illyrian cut us off and addressed Cassian. “Can you even do it without getting a hard-on? I can train her if you’d like…”

“NO!” Cassian growled.

Azriel put his hands up, unfazed by his outburst. “Fine then. I’ll come to watch, make sure there’s no funny business.”

Cassian run his hand through his long hair. “Let me go get a shirt,” he said as he disappeared upstairs.

When he returned he had his dark hair pulled back, secured with a leather string. He also wore his gauntlets, his red Siphons glistening in the morning light as he led us through the front door.

I could swear he was practically skipping. I was expecting he’d take us to one of the training rings I’d seen many times, but instead he went straight for the forest behind the house, jumping over fallen branches and ducking expertly under low ones, as if he’d done this a million times.

He’d somehow been reading my mind when he said. “You thought I’d take you in the middle of the camp so everyone could see you fall on your ass, sweetheart?”

I was about to ask him how he knew, suspecting it was the bond that was telling him.

“Now… You do _seem_ to feel _fine…_ But we’re gonna take it easy today regardless because it’s your first day and I’m feeling charitable despite you getting a head start and handing me my ass earlier.”

I felt a pang of guilt for losing my temper at him earlier and he took my hand in his. I stole a quick glance at the spymaster who sauntered leisurely out of earshot behind us and turned my gaze back to Cassian’s dark eyes.

“Oh sweetheart, I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“You haven’t had me.” I said to him as I pried my hand away.

He threw his in his pockets and shrugged with the cockiness of someone who always got his way. “Oh but when I do, you’re gonna regret all the wasted time. Trust me about that.”

I rolled my eyes. “How much further?”

“Always so impatient… You know, in a real battle you could sometimes be marching for days.”

“You don’t usually march though, do you, Commander? Your lot most often flies, do they not?”

He shrugged again. “I suppose I usually fly with the Illyrians, but in _the_ War” he meant the first one, the one that ended with a wall dividing our two peoples. “I certainly did my fair share of marching. Still would do it if I have to. Though I usually stay close to the Illyrians. They need me the most. To keep them in check.”

He came to a halt when we reached a clearing and the shadowsinger found a spot on a nearby rock and was ready to sit when Cassian clicked his tongue and Azriel stopped.

“I was actually thinking how about you help me warm up, Az?”

“Warm up or show off?” I heard him say under his breath, but Cassian didn’t hear him. he was too busy pulling his shirt off over his head.

“How is Elain?” I asked Azriel to distract myself from the image of Cassian. It may not be the first time I saw him with his top off but the view, the muscles, the swirling tattoos on his tan complexion, it never got old.

“She’s coping in her own ways. She said she’d be spending today planting new flowers in the garden. She’s trying to splice together two buds and a make a new kind.”

“Sounds like Elain…” I murmured and a smile bloomed on my face at the thought of her happy raking through dirt.

“She knows she can come visit you. Rhys offered to bring her himself, day or night. She only said she’s giving you time to settle.”

I noticed the way Azriel spoke about her, the sadness that lurked behind his eyes disappeared, the shadows that clung to him lightened. There was never any doubt about it, he was fond of her. Exactly how fond, I wasn’t too sure.

I was considering asking him another question, when his gaze shifted behind me to Cassian. I turned and found him perched on a tree.

_Mother give me strength._

“I’m not gonna chase you.” The shadowsinger called out to him from the ground, but his wings that had been carefully tucked behind him all this time were now flaring. It wasn’t menacing, just a flexing of his power. Without using his, Cassian pushed himself off the tree and landed in a crouch on his feet.

He rose and dusted himself of and I barely had time to move out of the way befor the two Illyrians started clashing, their bodies slamming violently slamming into each other.

I leaned back on a nearby tree and watched them work up a sweat. I didn’t need to know much about sparring to figure out that Cassian was being flashy for my benefit. And there, in the calm of the forest, as I listened to him pant and grunt, I realized a gate had been pushed open in my mind. I was standing there, calm, watching them, but at the same time an adrenaline-fuelled excitement occupied some part of me. And I knew then that this was him standing on the other end of that path, happy to be brawling.

As if he’d known I had a moment of revelation, his head snapped towards me, his gaze curious, hungry. And that’s when the taller male chose to deliver his next blow. I heard a nasty crunch, as Azriel’s fist connected with Cassian’s nose and everything in my being screamed for me to rush to him. I recognized the urge as the bond. I instead planted my feet firmly to the ground, refusing to give in. I saw the familiar red glow of the Siphons as he patched himself up using magic. I felt the shiver in my bones, the same one that greeted me from my nightmares, as I recalled the first time I’d seen him do that when I watched him, up on a hill while he led the armies to battle.

“Are you done now?” I asked as they walked over to me.

“Sure, sweetheart. Ready when you are.” He said with a cocky grin.

I fought the nerves wondering if he’d known, but if he did he didn’t comment on it.

“Let’s see how you do compared to your little sister now, shall we?”

“I’ll be over there,” Azriel said as he made for the rock he’d spotted earlier. “You two play nice.”

“If I asked you to run laps would you do it?” Cassian asked me.

“Would it really make a difference?”

“If one of my men asked that they’d be whipped for talking back.”

I stepped up to him. “Is that what you want to do to me?”

He clenched his jaw and I could see he was trying to control himself. “I’m already doing you a favor by training you away from everyone so that you don’t get your ass handed to you by the other females. So won’t you just for once do as I say?”

I crossed my arms and continued laying into him. “I thought you came up with this little private class so that not everyone back at camp got to ogle your mate when she’s all hot and bothered.”

He threw his hands up with an exasperated huff. “By all means, pull a muscle. I’m not letting a healer see to you.”

I fought the urge to hit him again. “How many?”

“Ten. Would have said five if you didn’t run your pretty mouth.”

“Feels good to be in control for once General, don’t it?” I threw at him as I broke into a jog leaving him to stare at what was undoubtedly a pretty good view of my ass in the fitted leather pants.


	5. Chapter 5

\- Cassian -

Az wasn’t wrong to think I’d struggle to keep it in my pants while I trained her. I knew the moment she stopped in front me, face red from running and hair slipping from the simple updo she’d arranged it in and I barely remembered who I was, where I was. I could hardly keep myself in check every time I had to move my hands to grip her waist, twist her hips, fix her stance. Every instinct ingrained in me screamed to never let go. As I touched her, I tried to glean her reaction down the bond; _did she feel this heat as much as I did?_

I would have stayed in this forest forever with her fists hitting my hands, her breath coming out in huffs as she put the effort behind each hit. She used her pin-sharp focus, harnessed it into what I could only say were natural instincts I had often seen in some of the best Illyrian warriors. And as my mind raced with the possibilities of how much she could learn in a much shorter span than Feyre, sharp pain brought me back to reality.

“Oh for the Mother’s sake,” she let out. _She always called on the Mother, never the Cauldron._ “If you’re not even going to pay attention to what I do, how am I supposed to even learn anything? Bring the other bat,” she demanded, gesturing towards Az. “I want to train with him.

That sobered me up real quick and I leaned over her in a way I hoped would work to intimidate her though I had no delusions. Funny how seasoned warriors could fear me, but this thin, once mortal female did not. She returned my gaze, unblinking.

“You’re training with me.” I ground out.

She tilted her head up so I’d feel her hot breath on my lips as she spoke. “So you’ll keep me locked in the house then? Are you going to tie me to the bed too?”

I took a step back. “Is that who you think I am?”

“Is it not?” She arched a brow at me. “I may only be Cauldron-Made but I heard all sorts of things about Illyrians.”

I swallowed. Hard. “And did… Did you ever confirm this theory to be true?”

It was the one question that ate at me the most. I knew there were others, I told myself I didn’t care. But I didn’t know if there was ever anyone who looked like me. Someone I may have known, I may have trained, I may have fought beside.

“What I do in my bed has absolutely nothing to do with you.”

And then I saw red. I gripped her arm so tight I was sure it would bruise by nightfall. I didn’t care. For once, I wanted to hurt her like she’d hurt me. She just winced, but did nothing to break away. She just looked at me like I was nothing but scum on the bottom of her shoe.

“Well, we both know that’s not fucking true anymore.”

“You’re nothing to me, unless I say you are.”

I struggled to reconcile all the times she’d tolerated me, the times she’d tore into me like I was indeed nothing and the times I could have sworn I didn’t need to tell her I was her mate for her to know.

I wondered how much more she could hurt me and knew that each time I’d thought I’d reached my limit, she just came up with a new way to torture me.

I thought back to how Rhys was before he’d told Feyre. Well… Before she found out and fled. Maybe this suffering was part of it, unless I did want to play into the Illyrian stereotype and take what was _mine_ by force. So many did after all. But I had promised myself I wasn’t going to be like that. Long before I could have ever imagined that Nesta was my future. And she may be difficult, but she was worth it. Because no one made me feel alive like she did. So I would fight for her until I could prove myself worthy of her.

Az saw my grip on her and he was on his feet. As he approached, I let go. “We’re done here. Go back to the house. I’ll be back at dinnertime. Are you staying?” I asked Az and I don’t think I hid the pleading in my voice too well.

He nodded and I almost bear-hugged him.

I gathered whatever dignity I had left and refused to give Nesta the time of day. I nearly ran away from them, but I forced myself to keep my pace even, as I cut through the forest, making my way to the main camp where I knew that prick, Devlon would be waiting for me.

Once the familiar sounds of swords clacking reached my ears, I schooled my expression into the ruthless mask of the General I wore when I was anywhere near these mountains. I tried to empty my head of all the things Nesta had brought to the surface. I knew I’d done a poor job of it but I had to try and get through this damn day and then maybe when I saw her I would get my thoughts straight again.

And as if I needed another person to remind me I was a worthless bastard today, I saw Devlon walk straight toward me as soon as I stepped into his line of vision. The look in his eyes told me he was in a mood today, and I fisted my hands to my sides to refrain from going at it with him in front of everyone. I guessed it wouldn’t be great for morale and all. Might send the wrong message and piss a certain High Lord off since I was here in his name. I squared my shoulders and waited him to come to me. _Come on asshole, just say one wrong thing. I dare you._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind comments, keep them coming 'cause it's what makes this worth it. :)  
> This is turning into a slow-burn which I hadn't seen coming but I'm rolling with it. We will get into the steamier parts though I promise. I already wrote those scenes - it's just a matter of getting to that part of the story.  
> In the meantime enjoy this chapter and a bit more Azriel - Cassian time! x J

\- Nesta -

I watched Cassian’s broad shoulders strain as he tried not to hunch in defeat, watched he disappeared through the foliage. And then the tall, quiet one I was left with was eyeing me cautiously as if I’d explode and take him with me. I had questions I wanted to ask him, there was a lot about him I hadn’t figured out, but I was going to. For Elain’s sake. Because she was growing closer to him by the day and I couldn’t have that. This male, he had something about him that was far more dangerous than the other two bats. Feyre’s mate, powerful or not, was positively docile; she’d done well in domesticating him to the point where their every interaction was almost sickly sweet. And Cassian… He was all bark. But how could kind, gentle Elain be spending time with this male who was cloaked in shadows? Not when she was morning light on a daisy meadow. It seemed unfair. But everyone seemed fond of him, so I’d be willing to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of her. I certainly favored him over the ginger fox who kept close to the walls when I was in the room.

My mind still raced to collect my thoughts, but all I could see were Cassian’s eyes lined with hurt as I unleashed my tongue on him. Last night when I’d let my walls down, hazy from sleep and pain, I’d wanted to anchor myself to him. So I’d let my walls down, pulled him in and wanted to shut him inside my fortress and never let go again. But in the light of day I could see my mistakes laid bare for me. So I did what I do best – pushed him away again, broke him down with carefully chosen words that I knew would find their mark.

I wondered how far Azriel would go to act as a buffer between Cassian and I. I had no delusions that he must keep busy with whatever whispers Rhysand employs him to gather. But he seemed to care about Cassian enough to want to prevent me from spilling his blood. So he stuck around.

I didn’t even look at him; I just started walking back to where we’d come from. Even though both males were treating me like I was some miracle of nature, the truth was that between the blood loss and the most strenuous physical exercise I had ever engaged in, I knew I had to lie down and soon. We were nearly there and I refused to show just how weak I was feeling for fear that Azriel would call Cassian back and they’d ship me off to Velaris to carry on my routine of being the family’s black sheep. My vision swam and I braced myself on the closest tree. Azriel was beside me in moments, steadying me.

As he helped lower me to the ground, I heard him chuckle. It was so low, an amused huff.

“Is something funny?” I asked.

“It’s hard for someone not to notice how similar you two are.”

I closed my eyes fighting the urge to scream at the spymaster. “You barely know me.” I hissed.

“I think I’ve seen enough.” He replied in his usual measure tone. “And they do say that with Illyrians to know one mate is to know both.”

“I’m not an Illyrian. And I have not accepted being his mate.”

He gave me a look I couldn’t decipher, as I hadn’t spent enough time in his company to have him figured out. But if I had to guess, I’d say it was amusement. Why was he not afraid of me? The rest of them certainly were.

\- Cassian -

Devlon was talking. I could see his mouth move, but his words were a distant buzz in my ears as my attention kept flying down the bond. This real, near tangible thing that tied me to Nesta, that tied her to _me_. I wondered whether I did the right thing by leaving Az to deal with her. And forced myself to listen to Devlon rumbling about what he’d flagged as the problem areas I’d have to pay a visit to and soon. The guy was an ass, but he most certainly did his homework. His report was so thorough it could rival some of Azriel’s. I nodded and took note of some of the main issues, but the truth of the matter was I couldn’t be in two places at once. And to go see those other camps, I wouldn’t leave Nesta from my sight, so she’d have to come with. And it was enough of a feat that we’d managed to get her to Windhaven, but to have her visit some of the smaller camps deeper in the mountains? That would be nearly impossible. _And how would they receive her if she were to go?_

Of course the thought of her and I sharing a pitch tent, no shitty doors and separate beds, just us two and a blanket and each other to keep warm through the night stirred something deep inside me and I felt my cock twitch in response. _Excellent._ All I needed was to get through this briefing without getting stiff, was that too much to ask? It was no secret that I hadn’t really focused on bedding any females since I’d met Nesta – maybe a night’s fling here and there; I was only _male_ after all. But nothing that filled the gaping hole she’d ripped open since I first saw her lift her chin defiance as we’d entered the grand hall of her family’s estate.

Devlon was asking about when I’d want to start on the visits. I cleared my throat, urging my brain to form words, _any words._

“I was thinking I’ll check on the girls’ training here. Get… Get Nesta settled and into a routine and then we’ll head north.” I said with authority. _I hope._

Devlon nodded slowly. “And will your… Will Nesta be joining you when you do the visits?”

I caught that he almost called her my mate, but I didn’t address it. I knew that everyone assumed it even without any official declarations. I guess what we’d done during battle, how I was willing to die for her and she for me was confirmation enough.

“Yes. I want her to see all of it.” Was all I said and with that I dismissed him only to run back to her. As if her pull was impossible to resist anymore.

I returned to find her reading one of the thousand books she’d had brought over from Velaris. The extra stern frown that did nothing to ruin her beauty told me that it must have been a book of the naughty variety – she always overcompensated with her face when she’d read smut. Az was literally standing in the corner stewing in his shadows, Mother knows for how long. I doubted they exchanged even one word.

They both looked at me as I passed through the threshold. I awkwardly lifted my hand waving two chickens I’d brought from camp. “Az? Wanna help me start a spitfire out back?”

Nesta crinkled her perfect nose and she returned to the book. What did I expect? That she’d thank me for fetching her dinner? What next? A foot rub and a back massage? I was an idiot.

“It’s worse than we thought.” I told Az as we plucked the chickens and I saw his eyes cloud with worry. “Some of the warriors that struck out on their own are rallying some of the others to join them. And it seems to be working. Our men are jumping ship by the boatloads.”

“When are you going?”

My eyes flew back to the house, to Nesta, in reflex, and of course perceptive as ever my brother caught it.

“Elain says Nesta regrets half the things she says after they leave her mouth. She specifically told me to tell you this. You need to be patient with her.”

“I’ve been nothing but patient with her.”

But when Az said nothing in response I felt the urge to pry. “Anything else Elain _said? In private?”_ I arched my brow with meaning.

“I’m not courting another male’s mate.”

“She doesn’t want him.”

“You don’t know that. I don’t think she even knows that yet.”

“She’s been spending an awful lot of time with you it seems to me. And he’s out in the mortal lands playing house with the bird queen and Jurian. I don’t think he’s having a bad time at all.”

Az considered my words but shook his head. “I’m not getting in the middle of it. And if I may say so, I think you’ve got bigger problems than worrying about what I do with my time.”

I chuckled because I just didn’t have the energy to do much else.

\- Nesta -

Dinner was when I craved liquor the most. Last night I was so exhausted that I didn’t care and I know that if it wasn’t for the pain that almost ripped me open I would have slept through the night. A feat I hadn’t managed to accomplish in months. But now as I sat in the middle of the large males, their wings casting shadows over the table, I wished for liquor to help push down the food that seemed stuck in my throat. It’s not that it was bad; the two bats were surprisingly skilled cooks, but the idea of food sometimes made my stomach turn.

They made casual conversation while I run through different drinks in my head – wine… yes, a classic but it always rung of something festive, of Feyre’s home and so it just put me off. Absinth was my drink of choice, but that made me do stupid things, and the only piece of stupid in the vicinity was currently side-glancing me and counting my bites so he was off the table. Maybe some ale would have been perfect, with the smoky flavor of the tender chicken. Would he panic if I asked, would he tell me off?

I didn’t notice he set his fork down and turned to me, a frown clouding his face. “What is it, Nesta?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I said but refused to meet his eyes.

“It’s like you’re shouting in your head. But now I can hear it too.”

I pressed my lips. _What did he want me to say?_

He reached over and I cringed away from his touch.

“I think I’m done.” I said pushing back my chair and retreating to my room.

Azriel had fixed my door while I bathed so I know had a physical barrier I could put between myself and Cassian once again. I wondered what I’d do now. It was impossible for me to sleep, not without the alcohol lulling my senses. It would certainly be a long night.

_Elain’s pale arms flailing as she struggles to climb out of the Cauldron. But before she manages to stumble out, its dark waters turn into crimson red blood that starts spilling over and trickling down the stairs of the dais. In the distance I hear the cackling laugh of the King of Hybern, his taunting words about how I’ll never manage to save her. And I run to her but it’s like I’m underwater too, every move taking double the amount of effort, but I fight through it, to get to her. But when I look into it, it’s empty and it’s only Cassian’s curled up body that I fight withering away, his wings in tatters hanging lifeless, his strong warrior’s body marred with a thousand wounds, his eyes glassy and his face lifeless and grey._

My eyes jolted open and I wondered what the sound that woke me was, I realized it came from me. I was screaming again. It had been a while since that happened, since any of the males complained about it at least. I sat up, and focused on counting my breaths, on feeling the air going in and out, filling my lungs. Just when I heard a knock at the door.

“Yes.” I said curtly as he pushed the door open. And he stood there, still but full of life. His long hair dishevelled from sleep and his face wild with worry, but he was well, _alive_ and well. It was the first time I woke from a nightmare and didn’t have to convince myself it wasn’t true, I see him in front of me and I _know_ it is so. As if he knew what I was thinking he whispered. “I’m fine, Nesta. I’m well.”

He took two long strides to reach the bed and then he stopped cold. As if he was waiting for permission, but I could hardly focus on forming any words as I realized I’m shaking. He decided for himself then to sit next to me. Just the proximity would have been enough to eventually calm me, but then he pulled me into his chest and in the dark it was just easier to accept the closeness, not to think of whose muscled arms enveloped me so tight I felt whole again, like he could glue the broken pieces back together.

\- Cassian -

Her voice was small as she spoke against my chest. It’s as if it didn’t belong to her.

“Please. Stay.”

I didn’t need to be told twice.

I smoothed her hair and rocked her back and forth like a baby until she shook less and less, and her breaths came out even. As they deepened I realized she’d fallen asleep in my arms. So I lay back against the wooden headboard, ignoring how it dug uncomfortably into my wings and held her there until the first traces of morning light broke through the thin curtains. And as I blinked sleep away, I felt her stir in my arms. For a moment I felt her hold on to me tighter, her thin arms wrapping around my waist and then she looked up and she remembered I wasn’t a one-night fling. I was just me. _Her mate._


	7. Chapter 7

\- Nesta -

I woke up feeling safe, cared for, _loved._ It felt like coming home to freshly baked bread after a long school day, the warmth and familiarity of being somewhere that feels like a part of you. I hadn’t felt that in a long time. I realized then I was using a man’s chest as a pillow, he felt warm and strong, his chest rising and falling evenly, his heartbeat strangely soothing as it matched my own. And then I smelled the pines, the leather and the last traces of my sleepy haze floated away. _Cassian._

I immediately used my treacherous arms that had been wrapped tightly around his waist to push myself away from him. This was the sort of closeness I’d been afraid of; that I’d run from so many times. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t let myself get close to him.

I dared a look at him, wondering how long I’d allowed myself to be held, and the kind of satisfaction and _hope_ he must have taken from it. But his face didn’t hold the usual smug grin I could never quite decide if I loathed or loved, he was strangely calm as if he was tired of playing these push and pull games we always seemed to fall into with each other.

He just huffed a breath, not in frustration but as if he’d been forcing himself to lie still for far too long. And I felt naked under his gaze because the way he looked at me, it was as if he hadn’t seen me in a long time. I looked away, fumbling with the sheets, trying to cover myself as if he hadn’t already seen my body.

“Get out.” The words slipped my mouth as if I couldn’t control it.

And his calm, placating energy shifted into something broken, a sadness.

“Good morning to you too, _sweetheart.”_ He emphasized the pet name and I flinched. I was done telling him off for it and I was getting good at ignoring his use of it. But the intimacy of sharing my bed with him just weakened me in ways I could barely begin to understand.

“Get. Out.” I hissed.

He raked a hand through his hair as he threw his long legs over the side of the bed and stood up.

I knew what he was thinking, I remembered his hands wrap around me in the dark last night. I was the one who had asked him to stay. But he said nothing as the door clicked shut behind him.

\- Cassian -

The look in her eyes when she woke to find me in her bed, it was like a wild animal being cornered. It borderlined on panic. I wondered if it was like that with the other males, that she woke up and saw them there, not knowing who they were or what they’d done the night before. I allowed myself a smile as I decided she must have been even less cordial with them than she was with me when she kicked them out.

Most days I knew better than to start thinking like that, but having to let go of her, being kicked out of her room after I got to hold her, it was like torture. I would almost rather have my wings shredded again. _Almost._ I must have looked insane, because when I went back to my room to see if Az was up, his shadows were so shifty and his eyes run over me cataloguing details that only Az would notice, the tense set of my shoulders, how I’d balled my fists up without realizing.

But when he spoke he gave none of that away.

“Everything fine?” He asked simply.

And when I nodded back he made no comments.

“You’re leaving today then.” I observed.

And it was his turn to nod.

When he probably saw the uncertainty in my face he added, “Oh relax, brother, somehow I think you’ll be just fine.”

I really was unconvinced, but I shrugged on a shirt and followed him to the kitchen. I tossed him an apple and bit into one myself, focusing on how food always tasted different here, fresher. I caught myself chewing with my mouth open as she walked down the stairs. She looked at me like I was the most uncultured person she’d ever seen and I did my best to swallow my food without choking on it under her death stare. 

Surprisingly Az stuck around until Nesta finished her oats and bid her goodbye before he winnowed out. I saw her stare at the spot where he was for a few moments after he’d disappeared into his shadows. I wondered if she was thinking about where he was going, if she was missing her sisters, but I wouldn’t dare ask.

I went to clear her plate and that seemed to snap her out of it as she slapped my hand away. Instead she went to the sink to wash it herself and I allowed myself a good look at her. I was starting to become immune to the sight of her legs clad in the leather pants, in the sense that I could finally function while in her vicinity. But I was still committing every single detail to my memory.

If she knew that I was observing her as if she were a painting in a gallery, she didn’t let on, so I cleared my throat to get her attention.

She stilled for a fraction of a second, but didn’t turn. I guess this was good enough.

“So… I’ll train you again today. If – If you want.”

One tiny, almost imperceptible nod. She was dressed for it already, what did I expect?

“I just need to go oversee the girls’ and the aerial legion’s training beforehand.”

She just kept scrubbing so I kept talking to fill the silence. _Now for the hard part._

“Tomorrow I need to head up north to some of the smaller camps.” She didn’t react so I kept going. “It’s a bit of a trek so I’m probably going to be away for three-four days.”

She wiped her hands dry and turned to me then finally. I wondered if the panic I could see in her eyes was because I’d leave her alone in a place she doesn’t know, or if she’d actually maybe _miss me?_ But of course she stayed silent, so I continued.

“You’re free to stay here, I can get someone to check on you, make sure you’re comfortable. But you can join if you want.” _One can only hope._ “If you don’t want to fall behind with your training I mean.” _Real smooth, Cassian. You nailed it._

She crossed her arms. “I only trained for one day.”

So I crossed mine too.

“Like I said. You don’t have to come.”

“Will one of… _your frie_ nds be joining you for those visits?”

What was she getting at? Just making sure that Rhys wouldn’t be there? _She really does hate him, doesn’t she?_

“I’m going in Rhys’ name. He doesn’t have to join. That’s the magical thing about being the General of the armies. I get to lay down the law for the soldiers; I don’t need my High Lord to come join me every time someone steps out of line.”

“I’ll come then.” She said in a low, steady voice. “Someone needs to watch your back, even if you think you’re invincible.”

And I couldn’t help the stupid grin on my face. I really wanted to pull her to me, but I wouldn’t dare. So I just kept my arms crossed.

“Careful, Nesta. Someone might think that you care.”

The way she rolled her eyes was entirely infuriating, but I just laughed. “Well shall we? Or I’m going to be late.”

“I thought you said you had to supervise first.”

“You can sit and watch. At some point I intent to have you train with the females. So you might as well see what level you’ll need to get to, although _anatomically_ you’re quite a bit different.”

\- Nesta -

He looked at me expectantly while I put on my cloak and I tried to hide the slight shake of my hands. I hadn’t seen other people except for Cassian and Azriel since the day we’d arrived and the sounds of the camp, even the structure of it, the pitch tents, the fires, reminded me far too much of the war with Hybern.

“Nesta, look at me.” He said and it was a command that I couldn’t bring myself to ignore. I will my eyes to fleet to his face and he holds my gaze.

“One word and we’re gone.”

I nodded in haste and he seemed satisfied enough that he opened the door for me and we stepped outside.


	8. Chapter 8

\- Nesta -

The camp was in full swing, a stark contrast to the handful of people you’d find lazily saunter down the cobblestoned streets of Velaris this early in the morning. As we approached, I saw him transform before my eyes, assume the stone-cold air of the General. He wasn’t wearing his usual leather scales, but rather a simple tunic despite the freezing cold. I could wager it was because he wanted to appear like he wasn’t above them, but rather one of them. What was the point when he was literally the one who could order the to battle at a moment’s notice?

“The females train first,” he explained as we walked. “It’s the only deal I could strike with the camp lords. First they train, then they do chores.”

I nodded. I knew Illyrians were backwards, Cassian’s own history confirmed that, however little of it I knew. But I could guess what compelled him to push for these lessons – the same thing that had Rhysand crowning my sister his High Lady.

I saw them then, a small group of about a dozen females, tall and strong, their golden tan skin glistening in the morning mist as they rolled their sleeves up and eyed Cassian expectantly as he walked towards the ring. Most of them seemed apprehensive, shy even, but I could catch a dangerous glint in the eyes of a few of them, a lust that burned behind their eyes. The reaction my body had to their desire, was not a new sensation – I’d felt it hundreds of times when I saw Cassian snigger with Morrigan in a corner. I wasn’t oblivious to their shared history. But to view these females I knew nothing about, as a threat was a new low, even for me. I pressed my mind to concentrate, knowing that this was yet another side effect of the bond between us.

When their eyes moved from him to me, I tried to ignore the curious stares as I did my best to keep up with his large strides. I kept my spine straight as a rod and my eyes trained forward.

I saw him do a headcount as we got closer and his eyes flashed with excitement as a plan hatched in his mind.

I opened my mouth to coax it out of him when he cut me off.

“Remember how I said it’s too early for you to train with them? I think I have an idea.” The eagerness in his voice… He was practically skipping.

And then his words registered and I felt like I was being thrown into the deep end. I had no time to protest this as he passed me and headed straight for the middle of the ring.

They eyed him expectantly as he gave the order.

“Start with laps then go into marking the sword exercises you practised with Lord Devlon. I’ll be right back.”

I went to follow him, to demand that he shares his plan with me but he turned around and stopped me in my tracks. He raised a brow playfully.

“You’re dressed for training. Might as well get some use out of your leathers.”

“You said I wasn’t ready,” I said. My voice was small, as panic closed around my throat like an iron grip. _Don’t panic. Just breathe._

Cassian ran a discerning gaze over me, most likely having sensed my feelings. He inched closer but still kept a cordial distance between us and his voice was low when he spoke. I could at least be thankful for that, the other females wouldn’t hear.

“Trust me… I wouldn’t give you anything I didn’t know you could handle. If I don’t push you, if you’re not challenged, we won’t know where your strengths lie.”

I knew he waited for me to agree to it before he’d go do whatever else he thought up, and I said nothing to him but I shed my cloak and draped it over the fence.

The rest of the females were already running and I joined them, hoping he’d be back before I had to try using a sword. I hadn’t wielded a blade, not since _that day._

\- Cassian -

I left as Nesta broke into a light jog. It was near impossible, I just wanted to lean against that fence and watch her magnificent breasts bounce as she ran. With reluctance, I made a mental note to find her something to bind them with for when we trained, or they’d get in the way. _Not that I minded._

I walked across the main square and into Emerie’s shop. I found her behind the counter, making notes in her ledgers. She looked up when she heard me come in. First her expression was tough, thinking I was probably another warrior coming to take something and underpay for it – if they even paid at all. But her expression instantly softened when she saw it was me.

“Lord Cassian.”

I nodded by way of greeting. “I’m training the females. Come.”

Her mouth dropped open. She scrambled for words and when she regained her composure she said. “I can’t close my store.”

“I have things I wish to buy. Consider your hour paid for.”

Her mouth pressed into a thin line. So much like Nesta, moments ago when I sprung this same surprise upon her.

“I have not trained before. I – I can’t fly.” She said, her cheeks stained with shame. Of course I’d noticed that her wings had been clipped, but I made no mention of it.

“I’m not making anyone fly today. And I have another female that I’m training that’s just started. I thought you both might benefit from having a partner.”

She seemed uncertain. I was almost about to apologize for disturbing her and turn on my heels when she closed the book and tucked it under the counter.

Now I just had to pray that Nesta wouldn’t decapitate her, but somehow I had a feeling that Emerie would hold her own. _Sick pervert._ How much of this was for their own benefit and how much was it so I could get my rocks off? I was lucky Rhys and Az weren’t here to see the little plan I’d hatched up.

Funny how I was on Rhys’ case about putting Feyre through every trial imaginable when she’d already been through so much under the Mountain. But both Archerons were warriors… In fact all three Archerons were warriors, Elain too in her own quieter way. And now I’d seen so much of them I knew pushing them to their limits was the only way to break them out of the hell they’d been trapped in.

I returned back to the ring with Emerie beside me. I held my breath as I waited for Nesta’s reaction. Was this not really what I was doing it for? To get a rise out of her? But of course my heart beat fast with adrenaline as we approached the ring. I saw her standing on the far end while the other females had started on a series of sparring exercises Devlon had shown them. They were doing a decent job of it too. But Nesta just stood there, her blue eyes fixed on the weapons stand and her body rigid with panic. The rest of the females stopped when I approached, pausing mid-exercise.

“Carry on.” I barked and they obeyed immediately.

I walked to Nesta, forcing my strides to be slow, controlled. As if I needed to draw more attention to her, to us. I put a hand on her shoulder and when she turned to face me I could drown in the angry seas that danced in her eyes.

“You expect me to learn to use _this._ ” She gestured towards the blades that were still on the stand. I knew what she was thinking, but that’s why I knew the sooner we got this over with, the better it would be for her. I’d seen that a million times over with warriors coming from battle, damaged beyond repair. If you didn’t force them to face their fear head on they’d run from it their whole lives. My Nesta wouldn’t run, my Nesta was headstrong, invincible.

“You can and you _will._ ” I said to her in a way that I hoped communicated my confidence in her, but also the fact that I was training her and I wouldn’t give her a choice. “Take that one and come with me.”

I caught the hesitation as her hand inched closer to the blade. But when her fingers wrapped around the hilt, my heart sang. My beautiful, strong mate. She could overcome anything.

I picked another sword up for Emerie and led Nesta to her. I watched as they eyed each other cautiously.

“Nesta, this is Emerie. Emerie, this is Nesta Archeron. Our High Lady’s sister.” They gave each other a curt nod. Their air, their stern look, they were nearly identical. _Boy, this was going to be a wild ride._

I cleared my throat, rallying my brain to focus. I showed them the step and had them repeat it. Nesta stepped forward and Emerie blocked. I saw the concentration written in my mate’s furrowed brow. She was perfect. Like she’d been born to handle a sword. Her form straight, her mind a single line guiding her body to become one with the weapon. I fixed their stance, corrected their footing. They were quick studies and I had no reason to linger further. I wish I could play with them, but it wasn’t what I was here for. I peeled myself away to check on the other females – the real reason I was there, I found they had improved since the last I had checked on them. Devlon must have been true to his word. I’d write this in my next report to Rhys. I stole another glance at Nesta and Emerie and then called for everyone to switch.

\- Nesta -

When Cassian left and reappeared with some female trailing behind him like a stray puppy I didn’t have to look at his face, the devilish grin, the twinkle in his hazel eyes to know what was going on in that disgusting brain of his. His whole being screamed it, his face, his body, his scent. How much of it could the others discern I didn’t know, but I wasn’t going to look around to find out. I focused on the steps he’d showed us. On blocking this other female I’d heard nothing about until now, but who felt compelled to follow him out here for a training session _in a dress._ She was slender, and beautiful, her long braid of dark brown hair was coming lose every time our blades clashed. It framed her clever face. She put so much force behind each block that it just compelled me to push harder, channelling my strength behind every blow.

My mind raced with the possibilities of who she was… A friend? An old flame? Maybe a current one… _What do I care?_ The little voice inside my head poked its ugly head. Of course, I didn’t care. He was nothing to me. I’d made that abundantly clear. The way she sized me up somehow unnerved me, I’d noticed that most females in this place casted their eyes to the ground when he _or I_ walked among them. Even here in this ring there were a few that didn’t quite recoil from his touch, but seemed more unnerved by his presence. Well, _Emerie_ wasn’t one of them.

When it was my turn to block her she wasn’t striking quite as hard as I expected, and when I stepped forward the way Cassian had showed us, I pushed her back in a way that made her stumble and struggle to keep her balance. When her wings flailed to stop the momentum from toppling her back I saw the most terrible scars marking them. It made me want to recoil, but also fascinated me in a way that made me want to run my finger along them. They looked how the inside of my soul felt, mangled and scored.

She saw me look and she folded them in tight the way Cassian had so many times when I’d offended him, or when he needed to streamline his focus. It reminded me of the days he paced while we waited for Feyre to return from the Spring Court. _After Hybern._

I’d made assumptions about who she was, but I didn’t know how I could confirm a single one. Me showing interest would give him the satisfaction of marking yet another victory.

“We’re done for today.” His voice rang out. Everyone stopped and turned to him. He flashed an easy smile and inclined his head. “Thank you. And good job everyone.”

Everyone put the weapons back, but I realized as panic gripped me with its ugly talons, I couldn’t let go of the sword. It was as if it was glued to my hand. Emerie saw it and didn’t move.

“You’re braver than you know.” She said and it was the first thing she said to me. I flicked my gaze to her face, wondering what would fuel such compassion. “We know how it was your call in the middle of the battle that saved his life,” she explained as if to answer my questions. Of course, she’s heard the stories. All of them had. Of course she thinks I’m a weak person who would just do anything for myself, to protect what they think is mine. I wondered then who it was she lost in the battle. Because it seems everyone around this parts had. A fiancé? A brother?

“Don’t you ever apologize for protecting your mate. There’s not many fae, Made or not that would put the life of an Illyrian before their own. The males might feel a little different, but they’ll take their grievances up with him.”

She left me then clinging still to the sword, and she made her way back across the square until she was but a small dot in the horizon.

Cassian must have watched the exchange, but hadn’t approached. Not until she left. His steps were slow, full of caution as if I would turn the blade against him. As if I knew how to take him on.

“Easy,” he said as he lifted his palms and I just stayed still. I must have looked pathetic. A shell of a broken person masking as a… as a what? Warrior in training? Who was I trying to fool prancing around in pants, sweat covering me clinging to my skin, mushing my hair to my face.

As the last of the females trailed away, he finally made an attempt to touch me. I could laugh at how afraid of me he was sometimes. This commander of armies who sometimes tiptoed around a person who was no one. Not human, not fae, not useful to society, a burden to my family who sent me away.

“Won’t you ever stop?” He just said, an edge of exasperation in his voice. He pried the Illyrian blade off my hand and tossed it to the side. “You did well today.”

“Now what?” I said to him. “Are you going to have me train with the winged males too?”

He shuddered as though the thought shook him to his very core. “You do know how to unnerve a male don’t you, Nesta?”

I shrugged. _Yes, I’ve been known to unnerve you._

He gripped my waist then without a warning and propped me up on the fence that closed off the training ring. I didn’t miss his hands lingering on my waist a moment too long, and then he let go. He took my cape and wrapped it around my shoulders.

“Just try not to drool all over the nice mud, sweetheart.” He chimed as he shed and threw me his tunic as the first of his soldiers started filing in.


	9. Chapter 9

\- Nesta -

The training of the Night Court’s aerial army was an entirely different affair to what I had just experienced. To say that the females were being treated with kid gloves was an understatement. Cassian was an entirely different person when it came to training the males – he barked orders ruthlessly, he made them repeat the same exercises over and over until they moved as one. Then he commanded them to fly and the thunder of Illyrian wings flapping as the warriors took to the skies filled the small arena. Cassian saluted me before he took off last.

As the space cleared of testosterone I found myself breathing more easily. The males had barely paid me any attention, such was the nature of their training that it required their absolute focus, but they had spotted me as they’d first arrived. And their looks ranged from a hunger I was used to seeing in males’ eyes, to disgust. A coldness that went beyond their usual dismissal of me as Other. I remembered that, I was prepared for it. This was something entirely different. It was resentment. I decidedly ignored them, not quite averting my eyes but rather opting to keep them trained past them.

When they left and I found myself alone for the first time in days I caught myself automatically searching for the invisible rope that tied me to Cassian. _It means nothing._ I was just testing boundaries, seeing what this _bond_ can do. I found the rope, I pulled on it, but when I felt him pull back, the sound of his roaring laughter ringing in my ear while he was nowhere around and a feeling of anticipation cocooned my soul. _Nearly back._ He seemed to say.

I sat there and let the cool breeze hit my face as my aching muscles too cooled off. I barely had time to register feeling sore the night before but now the adrenaline had worn off I felt every single pull and throb in my body. The pain of bleeding was still there, but I had managed to compartmentalize it in a way that made me continue to function, but with it came an ache I didn’t quite recognize. I knew _women_ felt these things, a yearning for children, but now in this body that felt almost foreign I felt it too. As if my very being hungered for it. My pulse quickened as gooseflesh broke in all the places where he’d just touched me not even an hour ago. I hoped, I prayed to Gods, to the Mother, that he wouldn’t sense this, but I knew this was what the _bond_ was for.

And soon enough I’d heard him; I could recognize the flap of his wings against the rest of his armies any day – it was like my ears were made to pick up the sound. And when he landed, the look he gave me told me he knew well enough. In my mind, I run through insults I could throw at him that would push him back, but as I did the warm memory of his bare chest from this morning cut through my cold heart. I braced myself thinking he’d come closer, but he stayed where he was and spoke to some of his commanders as the rest of the soldiers left.

While they cleared the ring, most paying absolutely no attention at me, one turned and eyed me with a rage that almost fuelled the anger that boiled beneath the surface of my own skin, before he spat at my feet. I barely had a moment to register what happened before complete mayhem broke out.

Cassian launched himself at him with a viciousness I had never seen before in him. I knew he was lethal – I’d seen it. But this went beyond my wildest expectations, as I saw him deliver a series of blows that would have probably killed the average fae instantly. His hits were strategic, despite the rage that flowed through him as if he’d uncapped some of his ferocious nature just by being in this space where it all started. He broke the other male’s bones with absolute precision, but he still fought and scraped and managed to land a few blows against Cassian. At the sight of his blood my heart beat faster as I realized that not many were on Cassian’s side, but that didn’t matter. Not to him, not to a male who’d spent his entire life as the underdog who beat the odds. Once he finished off the male who’d challenged him – he didn’t kill him, just beat him to a pulp hard enough to render him unconscious, his friends carrying him away as they hissed at Cassian. Cassian who stalked towards me and pulled me off the fence sat on, frozen with shock at what had transpired. He pulled me to him with such force that I would have tumbled in the mud if he hadn’t kept his strong grip on my arm.

He dragged me the rest of the way back to our lodgings and people scattered as we passed, but I didn’t have a chance to register their expressions at all. It was all a blur as we whizzed past.

He kicked the door open, not bothering with locks and wards. When he released me, I fell forward but he grabbed and steadied me again before letting go quickly. I spun around to finally get a good look at him – I could smell his blood, I knew he was –

“You’re hurt.” The words escaped me despite of myself and I remembered the first I said that to him.

He must have remembered too, because his expression hardened. But despite of myself I got closer to survey the cut on his face and his split lip. He took his tunic from my hands then – I hadn’t even realized I was still holding it.

He used it to wipe off the blood.

“Don’t do that,” I said as I pulled back his hand. “It’s filthy.”

“Are you worried about me, sweetheart?” He said with a smug half-smile.

He let me push him back into a chair, his eyes never leaving mine until I broke his gaze to go get a clean rug from the kitchen. I ran it under the tap and then approached him again, leaning over him to clean the wounds.

As I was concentrating at wiping the mud off the injury, I felt him pull me and I lost my balance and landed in his lap. I waited for something to happen, but nothing did.

“Is this a joke to you?” I asked him.

“No one’s laughing.” He said.

He was so close. I could count the darker flecks in his hazel eyes; I could take in his dizzying smell. I could feel the hard muscles of his bare chest beneath my palms where I rested them to catch my balance when he pulled me to him.

“You didn’t have to defend my honor.” I hope he couldn’t catch the shake in my voice.

“Would you rather I what? Let him disrespect you?”

“I thought I was stuck with you in this Gods-forsaken hellhole because we need to keep up appearances. To prove that you’re the big, strong, scary male.”

“I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”

“You’re the one who felt compelled to train bare-chested in the snow. To make a point of it.”

“And did you like that, Nesta?”

“Oh, stop. You are so full of yourself.” I threw at him and I made to leave, but he snaked his arms around my waist then, locking me in place.

He sniffed the air then, twice. Like a dog.

“You’re still bleeding.”

I rolled my eyes at his feeble attempt to distract me. “You nearly killed someone.”

“I would kill a whole army for you, Nesta. With my bare hands.”

Something cracked inside me as he said it; the memory of him pledging his life to me, to my family, my people. I broke free of his grip then as I felt tears stream down my face, the same way they had then. And I rushed up the stairs to my sorry excuse of a room where I threw myself in the bed and wept. For my future that was non-existent, for my life that I had thrown away, for my sisters that I had failed.


	10. Chapter 10

\- Cassian -

I fought every instinct that raged through me while I stayed in the chair where she put me. I hadn’t realized I was tightly gripping the seat until I heard the wood crack. I felt her pain pouring out of her and it ripped me apart. I let the bond wide open as far as it would go without her accepting it, and let myself drown in her agony. While the rational part of my brain understood that she needed to do this, that it was an intrinsic part to her healing process, the side of me that was governed by emotion wanted to taste the saltwater of her tears, to kiss away her pain, to ward the nightmares away. But I sat powerless while her sobs echoed through the house.

I paced while I waited, not wanting to go far in case she needed me. And when she quieted down, I finally ascended the stairs two at a time, making my way to her bedroom. I pushed the door open and found her sitting up, kneeling on the mattress and staring at the wall, her expression was empty. Her face red and blotchy, but she was still the most beautiful female I’d ever seen. Her blue eyes had turned nearly transparent, and her long lashes clamped together. And I couldn’t take my eyes off her face, as a sick part of me knew it was my words that undid her.

“Nesta…” Her name was all I could utter to announce my presence.

“I really don’t need anything from you.” She said lifelessly.

“What if I wanted to give it to you? What then?”

“Don’t you understand, Cassian? I don’t care what you want. I don’t care that you think this could somehow be good. That I could be good.”

Tears threatened to stream down her eyes and then I understood. We’d blamed her for so long, for things that she’d done wrong in moments of despair and we never stopped to think that perhaps she too was blaming herself. My heart sank as the memory of me calling her out for snapping at Feyre when I’d only first met her leaped forward in my mind. I hadn’t meant to, I certainly was planning to keep those opinions to myself, but as I remember how my blood boiled at the sight of her, because I couldn’t bend her over the table and take her for all the world to see. So I lashed out, because I was weak and pathetic. And she’d probably held on to this and it ate away at her.

But me telling her that she’s not a bad person, that meant nothing to her and I knew it. So I simply sat at the edge of the bed, offering my presence.

“Why do you train the females?” Her voice was flat, barely a question mark at the end. But I knew what she was clawing at, what she wanted to know. And I could lay myself bare for her, I would. But maybe if I could coax her truth out for her too then it would be a sacrifice worth making, to endure the pain of scratching at wounds that would never heal.

There’s no reason to beat around the bush with this. I took a breath, steadied myself.

“My mother died because there was no one to train her, no one to think that her life was worth anything.”

She peeled her gaze off the empty wall in front of her and turned to face me, but I couldn’t bring myself to lift my eyes to meet hers. I didn’t know what I’d find there. Pity maybe, for the bastard who missed his mother?

“Do you even remember her?” If anyone else asked this question, they’d be flat on their backs, but the way she shed her usual brashness, _for my sake._

Before she’d even finished, the smell of soap and wild herbs hit my nostrils from somewhere deep in my memory. The touch of pruny fingers cuddling my face when I’d scraped my knees. It was that touch that I’d missed the most when I’d shiver too hard to fall asleep at nights when I’d first been taken to train.

“I remember enough.” I said.

And then unthinkably, Nesta reached out a hand like she was extending an olive branch. Touching her didn’t fire up every atom in my body anymore; I knew I wouldn’t burst in flames as I laced my fingers with hers and we stood up, facing each other.

“I know what that’s like. To miss your mother.” She said quietly and a tear I didn’t know I was holding back broke free and ran down my cheek. She reached her hand to wipe it away like I had done back when she was overcome with emotion when she pleaded for her people’s lives against the damned queens. I leaned into her touch and prayed to the Cauldron that Made her that time would stand still and we’d stay like this forever. I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of her delicate hand on my face, when loud bangs nearly brought down the front door.

My eyes shot open again, as I silently cursed myself for letting my guard down even for a second and wondered what fresh hell this could be.

“Stay here.” I barked at Nesta who’d turned ashen.

I flew down the stairs and threw the door open.

“Devlon?”

He barged in, pushing past me.

“You maimed my son, Cassian.”

I rolled my eyes at him, because in all fairness I should have expected it.

“Wouldn’t you say he deserved it?” I cut him off.

“You’re not the one who’ll decide –”

“I won’t have a lordling disrespecting my –” _Shit, I nearly said mate. She’s not your anything you fool, not until she accepts it._ “Our High Lady’s sister.”

Devlon raised a brow in question, but held his tongue. Good, because I had half a mind to beat him to pulp and send him to the healer to keep his kid company.

“You practically deformed him. A fortnight before the Rite.”

I shrugged. “I’m sure it would have been a matter of time before someone else got to him. I may have done him a favor.”

Devlon knew I wasn’t wrong, but naturally he was still pissed. It was definitely a good thing me and Nesta were going away tomorrow.

As if I’d summoned her, Nesta descended the stairs looking ever so regal as she held her chin high and stared down Devlon. I could have taken her right there, if she’d let me.

I held back a smirk that threatened to rise in my lips as he took a step back, clearly threatened by her presence. This was just priceless, a seasoned warrior with a thousand battles under his belt shaking in his boots under Nesta’s death glare.

But while it unnerved Devlon, it sent soothing waves through me. It’s as if she’d known I needed her here. _Could it be that she was reading me just as I had been trying to read her?_

“Go to your kid, Devlon. He’s a half-decent flyer and he knows which way is up with a sword. I’m not gonna throw him off the legion, though I had half a mind to do it. If he proves himself in the Rite he can stay.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me all this time, just a warning that we're getting close to some of the more mature scenes and I'll soon be updating some of the tags in the story so keep an eye out for that before you keep reading if there's certain sensitive content you might want to avoid.

\- Cassian -

Last night was the first time we had no reason to visit each other in the middle of the night. It felt strange, like the phantom pain you get in the absence of a limb. I tossed and turned in my bed and barely got a few hours of shut-eye before I shot up and started pacing. My mind ran wild with the possibilities of all the things that could go wrong once we left the relatively safe space of Windhaven. I knew of people’s discontent, I had expected it, but not in the most progressive of camps like this one. Not from the males I’d known personally. Perhaps it was a mistake to have her come, but I’d never leave her behind now and she made it clear that she didn’t want to return to Velaris either.

When daylight broke through my window I got dressed and cracked open my door as I contemplated what to do and how to wake her, she emerged from her room. Her face still puffy from sleep, her hair tangled – she was a vision. She saw me eyeing her, the lust in my eyes uncapped, and she almost faltered. _Almost._ But she brushed past me and headed downstairs, presumably to splash some water in her face. So I just tucked back into my room deciding that making myself sparse was for the best until she’s had a moment with her thoughts.

I heard her knock.

“Come in.” I called out to her and heard the door creak as she pushed it open.

“I’m ready.” She said simply and I turned to face her. She wore a dress this time, a deep blue, with full skirt. It scooped low on her chest and I could see the fullness of her breasts. It fuelled the fire inside of me all over again, but what really drove me to the brink was the way her hostility had slowly melted away. Her expression was stern, like it always had been but she didn’t bristle under my gaze, she didn’t try to actively keep me out.

I knew a thing or two about masks, Rhys one thing wore his so well. We all wore them in the Court of Nightmares, a ruthless High Lord and his short-tempered lackeys. But when Nesta chose to take hers off for me after years of trying to convince me that she was cruel _to no avail,_ I almost didn’t know how to be with her now that she wasn’t prickly. Her face had somehow softened, maybe not to the naked eye, but I had come to observe her and file away every little detail of how she’d clench her jaw or her fists when she was angry. And without all that, the façade she put up to keep people from seeing the real her, I found she did unnerve me. This pared down version of her, it reminded me of what we were taught as younglings that the Mother once was, what the priestesses before these wicked times once were – plain, yet somehow commanding.

The merchant’s daughter. Raised to be obedient, entertain and host, bear children, raise a family. She was none of those things, not now, nor had she ever been. And if she had ever fooled herself into thinking she was, them I’m glad her life was upturned if not anything then to save her from that terrible fate. _To bring her in my path._

“Good to go then?” I asked.

She nodded. “I packed a bag.”

I went to the room and got it, slinging it over my shoulder.

“Oh for Mother’s sake, Nesta. Are you taking a whole library?”

“Just a book or two, you uneducated brute. Leave them behind if it’s too heavy to lift.” _There she was._

“Just get downstairs.” I said through gritted teeth.

She obeyed me for once and I followed her out the front door where she stood expectantly with her arms outstretched. To someone who didn’t know it would look like she was waiting for a hug. _What a day that would be._

I stepped close to her then, breathing the air she breathed. _Here we go again._

I scooped her up and the way she gasp for air as her body crashed into mine made my mind spin.

She must have known because she held her breath and kept quiet for nearly an hour after my feet first left the ground.

But something was plaguing her and just as I was about to ask what, her voice sounded frail when she asked. “Why did this happen yesterday?”

I knew what she meant, what she wanted to know. _Why do they hate me?_

“Illyrians have always felt… Overlooked by the High Fae. Many of them chose to join Amarantha’s ranks when she rose to power. That’s why we… I… need to remind them that they matter.”

“What if this approach doesn’t work? What if they don’t believe you?”

“Well…” I considered for a moment. “We have other methods.”

“Violence.” She said simply.

“It’s the only language our kind understands sometimes.” I conceited.

I felt her shift uncomfortably and I waited for her next comment, whatever it may be. With Nesta I was always on guard, waiting for her next attack. But what she said, or rather the way she said it shocked me so deeply that my wings nearly stopped flapping.

“The female you brought to train with me… Who is she?”

Her tone was inquiring, but vulnerable and I could feel the way her chest stilled against mine as she waited for my answer. It was why I’d done it, at least in part, so why wasn’t I enjoying this more?

“I guess a friend.” I said cryptically. I wondered if she’d press me more. Mother knows I wanted her to.

“What happened… What happened to her wings?”

Nesta had seen the scars, of course no one had thought to explain clipping to her. The irony of having to do it while flying wasn’t lost on me.

“It’s tradition amongst Illyrian clans, when females get their first bleeding they get their wings clipped.” I said trying to keep my voice devoid of emotion.

“Clipped?”

“The scars you saw? They’re just strategic cuts to keep the wings from healing right, severs the tendons so they’re not functional anymore.

Anger simmered in her grey-blue eyes.

“So they can’t fly away.” Of course my clever mate would understand. She was right to call me a brute. Our people, our traditions were archaic.

“Rhys banned it. But we can’t stop everyone and at this time we can’t afford to alienate them.” _Excuses, excuses._ If Rhys let me I’d chop the dicks and hands of every bastard who clipped a female.

“How can you stand to be in this place? I don’t blame Azriel for wanting to flee the second he gets here.”

I didn’t know what to answer her, as always her observations were astute. When she figured I was done chatting she tucked her head back in the crook of my neck and we flew in silence the rest of the way. Only the gentle breeze that escaped the shield I had put up whizzed in my ears, but I focused on the steady sound of her breath.

I chose to have us land in the woods instead of near the camp, I knew I had to chat to her and I’d rather do it before we had an audience. I knew there’d be no pretence of civility in the way this place was run.

She stepped out of my arms and straightened her clothes. She was getting used to this and it took her a moment to get her bearings but then her eyes were sharp and on me. So I cut straight to the chase.

“If they want to challenge me they’ll think a good way to do that is through you. So I’d rather you stick with me while we’re here. As backwards as Windhaven is it’s practically Velaris or Adriata compared to this place.”

“So you’re gonna tie me to your hip now? Is it any different to clipping my wings if I had any?”

I gripped her arm and got so close to her face before I even knew I was doing it.

“Don’t you. Ever. Say that again.”

Her face blanched and I let go immediately.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered. “But _please_ don’t talk about things you don’t understand.”

She gave me a clipped nod.

“Hey, I don’t…” I just searched for the right words to tell her that she’d touched on a part of me, my culture that I couldn’t begin to explain to her. Not without feeling stripped bear. “I’m sorry.” I repeated meekly.

She seemed to regain her usual grit as she narrowed her eyes at me. “Get it. Through. Your thick skull. I am not an object. No one is _using_ me to get to anyone.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, look who's doing two updates in a week!!

\- Nesta -

As much as I hated to admit he was right, this camp was nothing like Windhaven. Something in the air made my blood chill, my body moved closer to his as if I wasn’t commanding it. His eyes flicked to me instantly and then straight back out. For him to not jump at the idea of getting all over what crumbs I throw him, this must be important. It unnerved me more than I let on, but I maintained my cold stare and keep my eyes cast forward despite the fear that creeped under my skin.

I took in the place, there were no structures here, not even simple ones; there were only pitch tents and derelict ones at that. _Where would we be staying?_

The males who came to greet us were rough-looking, even by what I gathered Illyrian standards were, one was missing an arm and the other’s face was scarred and deformed. Cassian squared his shoulders and I saw the familiar muscle in his jaw feather.

“What do you want here, bastard?” The man with the disfigured face asked Cassian.

“Devlon came here on my behalf. He spoke with you. He said you had demands.” Cassian spat back at him.

“We’ll give our demands to your half-breed High Lord. Just because he gave you an army does not mean I have to recognize you as anyone but the son of the laundress.”

My eyes found Cassian’s face as the insult hit its mark. If it wasn’t for my being able to sense his feelings, to feel the pitch-dark anger that bordered on loathing that gripped his soul, nothing in his appearance gave away his wrath.

“Rhysand commands the Illyrians too, whether you want to accept it or not. And he’s willing to hear whatever backwards ideas you have about how you’re to rule this Gods-forsaken patch of land.”

The males laughed between them at Cassian’s words, like it was some joke we couldn’t understand. While white hot fury boiled over inside of me, I clenched my fists drawing blood, to keep from giving them a piece of my mind. For Cassian’s sake because I knew it wouldn’t go down well if a female were to speak for him. And while I didn’t believe in this crap, I was willing to respect it so I wouldn’t undermine him in front of these pricks.

“Little starving bastard forgot where he came from, this patch of land was the closest camp to where your common cunt of a mother birthed you. Or do you forget?”

At this second mention of his mother Cassian let out a roar that shook the mountains that surrounded us and unleashed his magic on them. I had expected him to charge at them like he’d done at the male that disrespected me, but this was different. This was a calculated blow made to humiliate them. _Look at my Siphons,_ he seemed to say, _look at the warrior that I am and the power that I yield that you will never reach._

I felt my core go wet at the sight of him standing his ground as he watched them struggle to breathe, for a moment, then two, until he finally released them and they stumbled backwards still gasping for air. People watched, but no one dared move a muscle to help them.

“We’re going to our tent. I’ll see _you_ tomorrow. With your concerns. And I’m expecting all males of drafting age to be ready for inspection at dawn.”

He turned on his heels and I followed him, struggling to keep up with his long strides. Did I appreciate the way he said _our_ tent? Not particularly. But he was right that this was the sort of place that I’d want to stick close to him.

As I stepped inside after him, I felt yet another wave of unease hit me. This space, the bare layout, the flimsy structure, it looked far too much like the tents we’d stayed in during the war against Hybern. And as I stood there at the entrance I felt the walls closing in, I felt my throat close, I felt my vision blur and my knees give out. I heard my name somewhere far away and close by at the same time, I felt arms, strong male arms lift me, I soothing kiss on my brow and then I let go of trying to stay awake.

The first thing I noticed when the world pulled into focus again, was a hazel set of eyes drowning in worry as they peered into mine. _Cassian._

He breathed my name, fear dripping from every syllable. “What happened?”

I closed my eyes and felt him shift closer wondering if there was something wrong, I felt his mind race, because as my mind had weakened, this bond of ours was now an open field he could run across, no mist, no fog to keep anything quiet, _private._

“The tent. I can’t… I haven’t been in a tent since –”

He pulled me up, pulled me to him and rocked me like a baby.

“I should have known not to bring you here. I’m a moron. I’ll get Az to come, take you back now.”

I laughed then, despite of myself and he went very, very still.

“Stop trying to send me away,” I said. “I can face this. I’ve faced worse.”

He considered a moment. I knew it went against his instinct to protect me if he let me stay here. But I wasn’t made of glass; I didn’t want him to treat me as if I’d break.

“What can I do?” he asked.

“You nearly killed those males…” the first thing that popped into my head just slipped out. “Your mother… the things they said…”

He raked a hand through his face, pain etched in every line. He stood up turning his back to me.

“Nesta, these stories, my past… It happened before the parents of your parents were even born. It’s no use, revisiting the past. I took my revenge. That chapter’s closed.”

Point taken. As much as I wanted to know, _needed_ to know, because some part of me called to him to reveal himself to me. Well if he didn’t want to think about it, I’d give him something to think about. I looked around the close confines of the tent again.

“Are we sleeping here? _Together?”_ My voice rose an octave on the last word. I don’t know what I expected when I knew we’d be coming to this place. But it wasn’t a small creaking cot barely enough to fit his large frame, let alone the two of us. I didn’t know what I’d do in such prolonged proximity and Cassian wasn’t my captor, as much as I liked to guilt-trip him into feeling like he was. I’d known of my complicated feelings for him since that first time I kneed him in the groin when I first dared him to put his mouth on me. Maybe even before then. But I just somehow didn’t trust myself to walk a straight path, not if I’d have to spend an entire night cradled in his arms again.

“I can sleep on the floor.” He said matter-of-factly. And I knew the tactical side of him, the one that considered everything, had also accounted for me requesting that.

“Despite what you think, I’m not cruel.”

“I’ll say,” he huffed a bitter laugh. _I suppose I deserved that._

“We can share the bed, Cassian.”

He whipped around, unable to hold the eagerness from his gaze.

“Are you sure?” His voice held an edge to it, his eyes sparked with something deep, predatory that made me want to straddle him on the spot.

His lip curled in amusement.

“I can feel that, you know.”

My mouth went dry. “What do you want to do about it then?”

He stalked towards me and knelt beside the bed, keeping his face inches from mine and with all the time we ended up spending staring into each other’s face lately, I could draw a map of every line and curve of his.

His hand was in my hair and a scene of our bodies colliding on my first night in Windhaven replayed in my head. Was this it? The moment I’d give in? Some dingy tent, a dilapidated bed?

He laid me back on the uncomfortable mattress as he prowled on top of me and my breath hitched. And then he laughed and an anger so hot and searing rose through me that I could throttle him. I lifted my hands, ready to scratch at him but he caught and pinned them above my head.

“Oh sweetheart, as much as you want me to, and as much as I ache for you,” he pressed his body to mine then, and I could feel his erection even through his leathers. It only made me wetter to my core. “I’m not bedding you until you say you’re mine, Nesta.”

“What sick game are you playing at, Cassian?” I wanted release. I _needed_ it.

My name on his lips and his cock twitched against my thigh. I smiled, knowing I too held some power over him in whatever sick dynamic this was.

“I’m not doing it out of spite, sweetheart. Though Mother knows you’ve given me enough reasons to want to torture you.” As if to illustrate a point, he kissed my neck, right at the spot he found that first time I gave into the pull of him. And I moaned, loudly.

“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” I shot back.

“I mean it, Nes. Tell me you want me and I’m yours, but if I get a taste of you I won’t give you up. This,” he kissed me again. “Is as much as I can give you without crossing a line.”

“Is this blackmail?” I said, but deep down I understood. _The frenzy…_

“I’m not holding out on some kink. Understand that this is the animal part of me, the part that wants to claim you in every which way. I could kill some poor fuck over you, Neta. And I probably wouldn’t regret it in the least.”

“Is… is _this_ fine for you then?”

He laughed again but this time I knew it wasn’t mockingly. He pulled his head back, locking his gaze to mine. The hazel of his eyes like liquid honey, his irises so big and dark they looked like the Velaris sky. And I felt myself soar in them as he spoke.

“It’s the sweetest pain I’ve ever possibly endured and you’re worth every moment of it.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. THREE CHAPTERS IN FOUR DAYS - I told y'all I had a plan with this one and once I got to where I wanted I'd be going a lot faster. (That being said, don't get used to it. I'm veeery flaky.)  
> 2\. Fun fact about me - I like ACOMAF chapter 48 more than chapter 55. I think you'll be able to tell...

\- Cassian -

Nesta practically purred as I… suppose professed my love for her? As if she needed to hear it again, as if she didn’t already know. She just liked me on my knees begging for it. I was losing my edge, me who gave Rhys hell for turning into a big, fat softie over Feyre. I guess it’s a long way to fall off my high horse…

We stayed there, our limbs entangled, as I listened to her heartbeat, tracked the slow rhythm of the rise and fall of her full breasts. My erection was painful and it was going nowhere and all I wanted to do was palm them, feel them in my hands. Damn, this dress just made her look even more delicate, the pull of her body even stronger.

“You know you’re hissing, right?” She said as she squirmed under my weight. “And you’re crashing me.”

Under other circumstances, ones that for some reason didn’t grant me release which _let’s be honest_ hasn’t happened in over a century, not until this once human woman came along, I would have made myself take a walk. Cool off in a stream or something. But if I stepped outside of this tent sporting this massive hard-on I’d never live it down.

“Cassian?”

“Mhhm?”

“Oh, this is just ridiculous.” She said and she cupped the bulge in my pants. My wings flared without me controlling them. _Shit what am I, a teenager again?_

“Easy there, General.”

She didn’t just call me that, _in bed._ I didn’t know I could possibly get any harder.

“Nesta… I don’t think you want to push me any further, sweetheart.”

“What are you going to do if I back off, Cassian? Let your cock fall off?”

_She didn’t just…_

I sat up and run a hand through my hair as I grappled with my thoughts, with my willpower. _The question wasn’t can I keep this up, but more how far can I play with fire before I lose my grip?_

“Fine.” I conceded. “Just… Mother’s tits, Nesta keep your fucking clothes on or I’ll rip this tent to shreds I swear.”

My blood boiled as she rolled her eyes at me as if I was being overdramatic. I’d love to see what she’d do if the frenzy were to hit me here and now. It was all hanging by a thread and she practically had no idea.

She pushed herself up on her knees and approached me, slow and torturous. She stretched out a hand and put it against the leathers of my chest first, testing the waters. And then she inched even closer as her hands travelled up my shoulders and down my back reaching for the base of my wings.

I shuddered. _Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all._ She stayed clear of them though as she fumbled with the clasps that tied my leathers. I reached behind me to help her and our hands met, it was like a current coursed through her and she stumbled back sitting on her feet. She kept her hungry gaze on me as I removed my flying armor and the undershirt I’d worn and tossed them aside. _No going back now._

I took her wrists and placed them back on my skin, a clear invitation to do as she pleases with me. And then she put her mouth on my chest and run her tongue along the swirls of the tattoo I got after the Rite and I thought I’d cream my pants there and then.

I fisted my hand in her hair, as gently as I could muster and just let her set the pace. Her mouth moved along my collarbone and up my neck until she found my lips. It wasn’t urgent or rough like it was the few other times things got this far. She wasn’t sweet and tender by no means, but more slow and sensual as she rolled her hips against mine, leaning into the kiss. _Shit, this was torture._

She broke the kiss and pulled back searching my face, making sure I hadn’t lost control. _Sweetheart, you’d know if I had._ I wanted to say, but didn’t trust myself to speak.

She seemed to think that I was good for it because her hands reached for the laces of my pants. I noticed the shake but thought it wise not to comment or else she might chop _it_ off. She undid them swiftly, and my mind raced at the thought of her getting a lot of practise in with undressing every male in Velaris. _Keep it together, Cassian. You’ve come this far._

She gently hooked her fingers on the sides of my pants and pushed them down. My length sprung free and as I saw her eyes widen, I couldn’t help but flash her a grin.

“See anything you like, sweetheart?”

Her eyes flicked back to my face and she kept staring at me, baiting me as she run her tongue along my swollen member and my hips bucked at the contact. I thought she’d use her hand on me, I never expected… and then she took me in her mouth fully.

“Tits, Nesta. Shit!” I panted incoherently.

The look she gave me as she had me in her mouth could light me on fire. I held her gaze despite wanting to throw my head back and just enjoy the sensations as she build a slow rhythm, her mouth making obscene noises every time she moved up and down my length. It didn’t take more than a few minutes to get my head spinning. I knew my climax was close and I didn’t want to shoot straight into her mouth. In part because it wasn’t _proper_ , because she was a lady, and in part because I think the image of spilling into her mouth would trigger something in me that I could never control.

I gently pushed her back, unable to utter any words and all it took was me taking myself in my hand and pumping once to finish me off. It was messy. I spilled in my hand, on the ground, on my thigh. And Nesta just looked on with a wicked glint in her eye, perched on her elbows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on doing this, but I backed myself into a corner with this whole tent situation I think. I hope it doesn't spoil their first proper night together once the time comes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those tags I mentioned I'd be updating have now been changed to reflect what the upcoming content of the fic will be like so please tread carefully as the material will be quite dark for the next 5 chapters or so. I hope that I'll be updating more regularly again. I did spoil you last week.

\- Nesta -

I’d slept in the dress I flew in last night, I hadn’t dared reveal another inch of skin while Cassian had that wild glint of desire in his eyes. I wasn’t afraid of what he’d do to me, but more so what would happen if ii lost whatever fraction of control I maintained through whatever dance it was we did last night.

Taking a male in my mouth wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed, but him I wanted to taste. I wondered what it would be like if our bodies ever met. Heat swept through me at the memory of his skin under my shaking palms, of his long lashes fluttering shut as I worked him. I wanted to hold on to the memory, stay suspended in that moment, but my eyes betrayed me.

I’d known he wasn’t there before I looked for him, I’d felt his heat throughout the night kept me warm like I was sleeping under the hot sun. His arms never wavered from around my waist the entire night, his breath steady in my ear. And now the cold that was left in his absence sobered me up.

I looked around, my eyes adjusting to the morning light and I saw a note on the pillow. I lifted the piece of paper and brought it to my eyes, squinting to make out the words in the chicken-scratch script.

_“I’ll be back at noon. Don’t go too far out of the main camp. Tug on the bond if you need me. – C.”_

I let my hand fall on the mattress again, crumpling the paper in my fist and thought about what had transpired last night; how every day we had been crossing a line, and then another. I could still taste him on my lips, but worse than that his scent wafted around this tent, lingered in the pillows. And seating here, in this place I didn’t know, I felt like an island. He was gone, because when it came down to it, his job was never to coddle a broken person, to nurse me back to life. I just happened upon him and it was part of his culture that he was unable to shake me off. Would he have cared if the damned _bond_ weren’t so sacred to them?

And it dawned on me then, and I felt like I was drowning. I had made a mistake. I let desire govern my actions last night and I had been so good at suppressing that part of me for so long, the part of me that constantly wanted to seek him out. If I stayed in his life, if he had to divide his energy between me and all the other things he’d always had to do, I would drag him down. Like I had Feyre, when she could have had a childhood and she was instead forced to provide for us.

My steps were not my own as I found myself trudging through the muddy camp grounds in search of the only thing that I knew would make me forget. Most importantly it would make him stop thinking he could be a hero and save both the world and the princess. He’d probably send me back, but at this point I just wanted him to. I wanted to put as much distance between us as possible, or I’d lose myself, give up the last of my values, all in the burning pit he’d lit in the depths of my soul.

One of the few things I’ve mastered in this new life was to seek out and find alcohol. It was practically the only thing I was good at these days. I knew to head to the outskirts of the camp, to look for the dodgy males all the females avoided like the plague. Once I got close enough, I knew I was in the right place – they reeked of it.

I knew as I approached them that I couldn’t offer them my body in exchange for a drink. Because of him… Because of Cassian… He’s weakened my defences to the point where I knew I couldn’t sleep with another male anymore. I wouldn’t hurt him in that way. I wouldn’t give myself to him either, what we’d done the night before was just weakness, a mistake I wouldn’t repeat.

So I had to lie to these males that seemed far more dangerous than the males we had encountered yesterday. There were five of them and I knew I was making a mistake as I uttered the words.

“I’ll buy a bottle off you. If you’ve got one to spare.” My voice was cold, unwavering. _Don’t let them see the fear._

They looked at me with the hungry eyes of a drunkard that I was so used to; I didn’t recoil, to show weakness would be to guarantee my demise. I silently cursed at Cassian for not teaching me more self-defence and sooner, though these males three times my size would hardly feel a thing if I tried to punch them.

One of them got closer and I could smell his foul breath, it made me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t just the booze; it was rotten too, like he hadn’t rinsed his mouth in years. I don’t know what I had expected, but as he put his hand around my neck. My vision blurred as the air slowly left my lungs.

I was about to pass out when I felt a tug deep in my belly before he let out a growl. I don’t even know how he came, just that he was here now. The male didn’t quite back away, but he’d lost his edge and his grip wavered. In two long strides Cassian had pried me off him and put himself between me and the male. His eyes were flashing with a fire that excited and scared me all at the same time. I felt rage radiate off him and I put my hand on his back. He instantly whizzed around. His eyes burning holes through my soul.

“Nothing happened. I’m fine. Let’s just go.”

“You don’t get to tell me that.” He hissed.

But they didn’t miss a bit as they tried a coordinated attack on Cassian. Well, coordinated may be a bit of an overstatement considering that they were all very drunk. But the one who’d put his hands on me, he tried to swing at him with an empty bottle. I closed my eyes as it had been inches from his face and I heard the glass shutter. When I opened them I saw it was his hand that caught the blow and the red glow from his magic was already working away.

“Look at him, ready to come at his own kind for a human. No matter what the Cauldron did on her. She’s nothing more than filth. Good on you bastard, you managed to find a female that’s lesser than you. You couldn’t keep your standards high after fucking Rhysand’s desperate slut cousin.”

Cassian charged at him, and they both toppled to the ground as the other males just looked on. We were too far from the main camp for anyone to see this, to come to his aid. _If there was even a soul in this place who’d side with him._ Cassian kept pounding him with his fists with a rage I’d never seen in him before. But the male spat more words of hate at him as blood pooled in his mouth.

“You abandoned your own men for this common cunt, bastard. And now you’re ready to what? Kill me for it? Go on, it’s not like your High Lord’s treating us any better. I’ll either die today by your hand or in some war fifty years from now because of some other whore – his, maybe?”

Of course, the unrest…It wasn’t just because of the Illyrians being forced to fight, because of the losses they’d suffered. They just didn’t recognize Rhysand and Cassian as their leaders, they wanted to rule themselves.

Cassian’s eyes flashed at the new insult and I became truly afraid, that he would go too far. It was one thing to kill men in battle, but this was just murder.

“Cassian… Cassian!”

He snapped into attention, turning his head towards me ready to assess a threat. But I was fine and the tension eased, ever so slightly and I pleaded with him. Not with words, but with the bond. To take me away.

He spared no other glance their way as he strode towards me and swept me in his arms.

“I can walk.” I said, but he ignored me. “Put me down.” I pressed again.

“I asked you one thing. Don’t go too far. Why can’t you ever just listen?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again ! Posting two days in a row ! Happy holidays y'all !

\- Cassian -

I lowered her to the ground and leaned close to examine her neck when all I wanted was to just tie her to the bed so she wouldn’t wander off again and then I’d go back to finish the job I’d started. She shivered under my touch, as I prodded the elegant pillar of her neck as gently as I could manage. It would feel tender for days, but I willed some of my magic toward her, making sure to stop the bruising from becoming visible.

"Stop fussing, Cassian. I’m fine.”

Whatever damper I was keeping on my reaction – it all snapped when she spoke so nonchalantly, as if I hadn’t felt her terror rip through me when I was in the middle of a meeting. One that I fled from like the whole damned Court of Nightmares had been on fire, Rhysand’s throne with it, only to go rescue her.

“They could have killed you, Nesta. They intended to.”

“They blame you. For coming to me during the battle with Hybern.” She just said bleakly. She’d caught on; I couldn’t shelter her from the truth anymore. That I’d caused this; that it was my love for her that put her in danger.

My hands found her waist and I pulled her to me, not wanting her to see the guilt that was surely written across my face.

Her voice was regal, commanding as she put her hands on my cheeks, forcing me to face her.

“Well, I’m not going to sit here and deal with your survivor’s guilt while you try and show everyone you’re the same person you were before all this happened to us.”

 _She_ had the nerve to talk about survivor’s guilt _to me._ I cocked a brow.

“Well, I could say the same for you, sweetheart.”

Her hands dropped immediately as anger flashed in her eyes.

“Stop calling me that.”

“You better get used to it, if we’re to spend the rest of our lives together…” A Court of Dreamers, is that not who we are?

“You’re insufferable. If you thought for a moment that I’d be willing to spend even a fraction of eternity with you, then you’re delusional.”

“Why are you staying then? You could very well have left with Az the other day. You’d be back to drinking yourself into oblivion and fucking your way around Velaris in no time.”

“Believe it or not I actually had some faith in you that you weren’t a complete animal. That I would take this opportunity to be my own person for once, see a new place.”

“Oh, just fucking say it. You wanted new meat for your collection. That’s why you sought those males out.”

“Unclench, General.” She spat out.

I laughed bitterly. “Oh, that’s rich coming from the most uptight, high-strung person I ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with.”

“Do you blame me for it then? For wanting you alive? _With me?”_ Her mouth was a thin line, her chest heaving with the anger she always kept so contained.

I just shook my head, not trusting my voice not to break if I formed any words.

“I know what everyone thinks of me. That I’m selfish and awful.” She almost seemed to calm as the words came out. “You yourself said it when we first we met.”

But it was like twisting a knife to my gut. I was causing her this pain. “Nesta, I’d do the same for you. I’d choose you over my men. A thousand times over. I already have.”

She narrowed her eyes at me then and I could see the full weight of her judgement as she run through all the times I’d failed her. I wouldn’t cower at the appearance of the cold Nesta, not this time.

“We both failed in this war, sweetheart. The way I walk around these camps and am met with orphans and widows? You feel that every time you see Elain, _and Feyre._ How you failed them. How you couldn’t protect them.”

She slammed her fists against my chest wanting me to loosen my grip around her waist, but I didn’t.

“You need to face it. And move on. No one blames you for what you’ve done. We all… We all did things we’re not proud of to survive. To help those close to us make it through.”

She stilled at the edge in my voice. Her eyes peering into my soul as I laid it bear for her.

“I know full well the _sacrifices_ you had to make.” Sarcasm dripped from her voice.

Of course she was thinking about Mor again. I wondered if any time someone pulled a mental list of my mistakes, Mor’s name would ever not be on the top of it.

“You don’t know the first thing about who we are and what we’ve done for each other. For fifty years we knew nothing about Rhys. Rumors would trickle in about how he was fucking that cunt Amarantha senseless, _and loving it._ We stepped into roles we’d never expect of ourselves to fill his void.” And when my voice broke I did nothing to hide it, did nothing to wipe the tears that streamed from my face.

“I’d walk through fire to undo what’s been done to you. _And your sister._ You’ll always be my biggest regret in my life, in the centuries of strategies and sending males to battle, watching them sacrifice themselves. I heard your screams and your pleas and your curses the day you were put into the Cauldron and I could do nothing but lie there and _feel_ what was being done to you. It ripped me open, Nesta.”

She shook her head refusing to hear more out of me, but I pressed on.

“I know I failed you. And I know you think that of me. And you can’t trust me. But as long as my heart beats, I’ll spend every day a step behind you, keeping you safe. If I’m nothing to you, let me at least be your guard.”

“I don’t need a guard. I don’t need a mate. I don’t need _you.”_

Something inside of me broke as she spoke the words I’d always dreaded. The venom in her voice was unmistakable; she meant those words. I released her immediately and she stumbled back. I allowed myself one last look at her before I left the tent. Before I left her, alone and unprotected and just let my wings catch the wind as I sought out an escape.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. To all the people who’ve left comments both on here and on tiktok recently – thank you so much, because it’s these interactions that made this feel real and not one-sided and that's what kept me going. For all who haven’t found me through tiktok but do use it, feel free to go take a peak around my page - I post ACOTAR in-depth character analyses and memes! We also occasionally hype other books! I’m @hey_itsjoanna  
> 2\. Today is gonna be a dark one, tomorrow's too. But it's all fluff and healing after that. I promise. I'm just a sucker for the one step forward, two steps back Nessian.

\- Cassian -

I’d flown for hours until the ache in my wings was so constant I couldn’t feel it anymore. I flew in circles over the steppes, trying to get my thoughts in order but when I landed near Windhaven I was a ghost of myself. Her words. _“I don’t need you.”_ Echoed in my head. It was like someone had taken the voice that had always fuelled me to excel, to be a model of the Illyrian warrior all those years, to prove everyone who hadn’t believed I’d make it wrong and had just given it the face and body of the most beautiful female on earth just so she could speak those four words and rip me apart.

It was dark but I saw light in the shop across the square and I just followed it like it was a beacon in the night. Emerie was wearing her cloak and was about to lock up. She took a step back once she saw me. I had no idea what I looked like, but I assumed not well.

“Hello.” I said, hoping I’d sound… sane.

“Lord Cassian… What happened?”

 _Not sane then._ She looked concerned, not appalled which was more than I was used to with my company recently. Well sod it, I thought as I approached her. Hoping that the proximity with any female that wasn’t Nesta would help wash off the grip she had over everything in my life.

I walked towards Emerie, ignoring the voice in my head that screamed she wasn’t Nesta. She didn’t back away and I wondered if she knew of the war that was raging inside of me.

Her eyes, big and brown seemed full of understanding when she took my hand in hers and led me out of her shop and towards a humble structure that I assumed was her house.

It wasn’t right. I knew it wasn’t right. Everyone in this damned hellhole knew what Nesta and I were to each other. And yet Emerie who’d always held her head high, who’d gone against traditions, who’d commanded her own destiny pushed her front door open and I followed her inside. It was beginning to snow, and my thoughts fled to Nesta, alone in that tent. Would she be cold? I would send for Azriel to take her back to Velaris in the morning, I was a coward who couldn’t bear face her.

Emerie stood in the middle of the small, tidy room. She looked so small, frail and strong at the same time. She took off her cloak and draped it over the back of the chair. And I thought of how I hadn’t touched a female in nearly two years. How I just craved the intimacy.

I walked to her, leaning down so our faces were inches from each other and I pressed my lips to hers. It soon turned hungry, desperate and I wondered if she too had just been lonely. I wondered what her life was like here, what prospects she had.

She pulled back only to lead me to a crammed bedroom. My mind raced. I was wretched. I was taking advantage. I wanted nothing more than to run, to call this for what it was – a mistake, and get out. But my breeding wouldn’t allow me. I’d unleashed something now I wasn’t going to back away from. I pulled her dress down and traced my lips over her collarbones, the way I always ached to do with Nesta. As I explored her skin expertly, deftly; my mind took me somewhere I didn’t go very often. It was under the same sky, in these same mountains I’d done the same mistake with Mor. Granted, she’d asked me for it, she had her reasons but it was still my biggest regret. Probably until now. Nesta hadn’t existed in my mind then. Not even as a possibility. If she had, I may have refused my friend, desperate as she had been in that moment.

Emerie’s soft moan brought me back to reality and I shook off the thought – damn, it was crowded in my brain these days. I took stock what I’d done without even thinking. I’d shed her clothes and her slender, if not slightly underfed body was now ready and waiting for me. I saw the way her ribs poked under her pale skin, and even that just reminded me of Nesta. I hated how I’d played right into her game. Yet again. I deluded myself into thinking this was my decision and I just pushed forward. I unstrapped my leathers and tugged off my tunic as Emerie’s eyes remained fixed on me as she lay pinned underneath me. Her breath hitched as her gaze travelled across the plains of my chest and I couldn’t help but feel my cock twitch harder in response to her hungry gaze. When was the last time someone had looked at me like that?

I kept my pants on and just went on my knees before her. I was about to drape her leg over my shoulder when I stepped outside of my body. I saw myself for what I was, weak and wicked, no better than the males who’d done the same thing to my mother. Taken advantage of the fact that our females couldn’t, or wouldn’t say no. I staggered back. I was ready to utter some completely meaningless apology when I felt a sharp pain pierce through my left wing. And then another in the right.

I looked wildly at my surroundings in a panic. Pain was sipping through all my senses, clouding them. Everything was foggy, tinged with pain. I willed my power to patch the wounds up, but it wasn’t obeying me. I looked at my wings then, _Ash arrows tipped in faebane._ Emerie screamed then and tried to cover herself. But the bedsheets were covered in blood. My blood. I looked at my wings and saw two arrows perfectly wedged into the membrane. Struck where they’d ensure I couldn’t fly away.

How? How did I leave myself open like this? I had to get outside. Disappear into the forest. Get to Nesta. Make sure she’s safe. But I felt sluggish. And it wasn’t the blood loss; it was the faebane dulling my magic and my senses. How did they do it? I looked around again, looking for clues. The open window. Someone had managed to drive the arrows through the window with perfect aim. Illyrians. Only we train with this level of precision. My own soldiers did this to me.

And the door burst open then and three of the lords’ sons from one of the clans I had met with this morning – it seemed like a million years ago. I’d given them the last excuse for a coup. I’d been weak, I left my flanks open and now here we were. They were standing in the doorway. Murderous grins twisting their faces. I launched myself at them, ready to take them on. _This is not how I die._ Not when I’m the most powerful Illyrian in history. _This is not how it ends._

My fists made contact with one of them, maybe his name was Ragner, and I heard the bone crunch. I smiled to myself but the smile faded quickly as I realized one of them slipped away. I turned around only to catch him slap Emerie’s head against the wall. It wasn’t violent enough to kill her. But once he released her, she was unconscious, her body dropping lifeless on the floor.

They used the moment to distract me and tried to drive a spear through my wings. I pushed them back. Trying to lead them outside. I knew that was my lifeline, if I could lose them. So I clung to that.

The last thing I felt as darkness swept me was panic down the bond. _Nesta._ It was panic and despair far greater than I’d felt this morning. I could only compare it to her horror the day she had been made fae. I fought to stay awake to find a way to get to her, but my body failed me. And I failed my mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I want to address one thing with this chapter; I think that Emerie wouldn’t have given in to Cassian no matter how desperate he was. She seems like a person with a lot of dignity and if she were aware of his relationship with Nesta I just think that she would have respected that. It is mostly my own personal aversion to creating original characters for the purposes of a fanfic that pushed me to do this. I think that we have yet to see what her character is made of and this is just a liberty I’ve taken for the purposes of the plot that I had in mind. I just wanted to put that out there, because I know it’s a weakness in my own writing and I find it important to hold myself accountable.  
> 2\. I know it's all a bit grim, but I will be posting every day now until they're out of the woods again because I don't want anyone suffering too long. I hope that's enough to get the people who wanted a softer, fluffier story to stick around.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for torture and sexual abuse.  
> Sorry for what's about to follow :(

\- Nesta -

Cassian was dying, I could see his eyes glazing over as sweat mixed with blood on his skin and he struggled to stay conscious. He seemed like he was barely able to stand, let alone break free from the chains they’d bound him in. They had spent what I could only assume was the better part of an hour carving him up. I didn’t know our captors. Cassian however did, because at first he’d spent time trying to talk to them, talk them into letting me go. When he realized it made no difference he eventually stopped.

“How bad are you at playing with the General’s prick, witch? That he goes and puts it inside our females?” They addressed me for the first time as one of them ran a disgusting hand down my collarbone.

“Tell her, _General.”_ The word rolled mockingly off his lips. _“Lord_ of Bastards. Tell the witch how we plucked you from another female’s bed. You left your mate defenceless. What kind of male are you?” He spat at Cassian who growled and thrusted but the wound on his back wouldn’t heal even when the ones on his wings and chest started to clot.

The betrayal hit me like a knife in the gut. Why was I surprised that Cassian finally went and did the one thing I pushed him to do all this time, all these years? I couldn’t hold myself from turning to him, begging for him to tell me they’re lying. But as he held my gaze, I saw the regret, the shame. Of course it was true.

They held my arms away from my body then, and sniggered amongst themselves and I knew the thin nightgown must have stuck to my body as I was drenched in sweat. Resisting them was futile, but I tried because something primal inside of me told me to. _Protect your virtue. Protect your virtue._

They roared with laughter as I tried to twist my body away from view. Cassian screamed my name, asked me to keep my eyes on him as two of them moved towards me and pulled at the fabric until it ripped in half and every last shred of modesty I was holding onto just slipped from my grasp. I felt the panic constrict my throat, as this felt all too familiar. I remembered that I’d been in this situation before I was made fae. But that time I only had to defend myself against a scrawny, malnourished human. These warriors were trained since birth to be lethal, even with my meager training I stood no chance at all. Of course I had powers now, I could use them.

As if he’d known what crossed through my head Cassian said my name again.

“Nesta!” Him calling my name snapped me back to reality while the nightmare threatened to swallow me. “Nesta, use _it._ ”

 _Use it._ He urged me down the bond too. _Use your power._

I shut out his voice and I resolved not to struggle like I had with Hybern. _What good did that do me anyway?_

As I became limp in their arms they cheered, and Cassian’s breaths came out more laboured as he struggled harder. He roared with effort as he rallied his power, raw as it was without his Siphons harnessing it. They had taken them from him when they bound him. I knew he was trying to turn his magic into something useful, something that wouldn’t annihilate the whole cave and have it collapse in on us. What had Feyre said? They used the stones to make the power useful, refine it. Without them they could wipe out a whole field of soldiers, including their own army.

I wanted to tell him to do it. Just blast what he could around these walls and if they give out so be it. If we’re lucky we’ll die instantly.

\- Cassian -

She outright refused to listen to me. I didn’t blame her. I felt like I couldn’t face her after Ragner told her they’d dragged me out of Emerie’s bed. _Shit, Emerie._ They hit her over the head, but they seemed preoccupied with me so they left her alone. She’ll probably recover just fine. But Nesta? If we ever got through this, I knew she wouldn’t forgive me for it. I had no right to expect that of her. _If_ we survived. I couldn’t see how. If I broke free if I’d killed them then I couldn’t fly us anywhere. I was bleeding out. We’d come so far, only to die together in the end. And it wouldn’t be a hero’s death in the battlefield this time, someone would just send our mangled bodies to Rhysand. A message of defiance to their High Lord.

I didn’t allow myself to think of the guilt that would rake my brother, I knew he would blame himself. Because it was Nesta’s turn to be tortured and I wanted to be present for all of it. To help her through it as much as I could.

I saw them trace their filthy hands over her skin. They looked at me while they did it. Waiting to see the anger, the despair, like it got them off.

It was near impossible not to react though. I wanted Nesta to fight too, but she’d given up, I saw it in her eyes. I never forgot about the human who’d abused her. I’d vowed to one day make her tell me his name and he would pay. But now, today I was with her and I still couldn’t protect her. Only maybe help get through it together.

When their hands started moving south of her abdomen I heard her sharp intake of breath. Her face was stoic; she reminded me of old paintings of martyrs that I’d seen in history books. I remembered this sketch of the human slaves being tortured into obedience. She looked so human now, she reminded me of the girl I’d first fallen for.

But it was the sob that followed that broke me. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was just power, raw and unharnessed. I shuttered the chains that held me and misted the males that dared put their hands on my mate. It took all I had as the faebane still coursed through my system. I collided with her and nearly brought her down with me. All I thought was, at least I’ll die in her arms, at least I’ll die free.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short but heartfelt one today, because I want no one to spend their day wondering whether Nesta and Cassian will be ok. Happy Holidays y'all ! x J

\- Nesta -

I sank my nails on his shoulder as he slammed into me. I gripped him tightly and thought of a place anywhere but here. I remembered the day I said goodbye to my sisters in Velaris at the palace that they called the House of Wind. The world seemed to fold in on itself and for a moment I wondered if Cassian had completely lost control of his magic. If this was what dying felt like.

But the next moment we were up in the air, Rhysand’s sprawling castle perched on a mountain just below us as we came crashing down. I felt Cassian strain as he tried in vain to put his wings to use and shield as from our impending death, but they were of no use. So I felt him pull me tighter to his heaving chest, shielding every inch of me from the imminent collision.

I shut my eyes, not wanting to face the ground that was getting closer and closer by the second. Next I knew my knees were hitting hard stone and Cassian screamed in pain as I heard the awful crunch of his bones breaking at the violent impact. But he didn’t release me. My head pounded and I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore, I just heard light feet on the stones.

I don’t know how much time passed when more people joined us on the veranda. I heard their voices, but I couldn’t make out any words. And then I could feel hands on me, gentle, light hands – Elain’s soothing touch on my back. But it was far too soon. I didn’t want to be touched, I couldn’t, and I went to open my mouth to tell her when I heard Cassian growl, the most ferocious sound I’d ever heard. And he was gripping me, so tight I thought he’d crash my bones.

When he stopped making that awful noise, the world pulled into focus just a fraction and I heard Rhysand speak to him. I opened my eyes to find him kneeling beside Elain, his usually clear and playful eyes were now a shade of the night sky that reminded me of a winter storm.

“Cassian… You’re safe. You’re both safe, brother. Just let us take care of you.”

But Cassian wasn’t here. I could barely feel his presence; only a primal part of him governed his body now.

When my sister joined her mate on the ground, I recognized the terror in her voice. “He needs to let go of her. The healer’s almost here.”

And then a light went off in my mind. _A healer._ Cassian needed a healer; his wings were hurt. He needed someone to see to him. He needed to be in a bed.

I pushed myself as far back as I could and run a hand along his cheek. “Focus, Cassian. Listen to my voice.”

His glazed eyes darted about, until they focused on my face. I saw the effort as he strained to concentrate.

“Let go of me. I’ll still be here. You just can’t hold me, but I’ll be here. A healer needs to see to you. Find my smell in the room. Hold on to that.”

He breathed my name then and I shuttered.

As a sob escaped his lips too, I no longer cared that we had an audience. I just kissed him. Because he was my mate and my protector. And I knew it was what he needed in this moment. To know that I was _his._

I felt their collective breaths hitch, I felt Morrigan avert her gaze. I just didn’t care anymore.

When I broke the kiss his grip on me loosened and I was able to slip away.

“Lift him.” I ordered his friends who stood by ready to obey.

Someone gave me a chair, a glass of water and a robe while he was being examined. They removed his clothes and I saw the cuts and bruises. The places where his bones were broken were starting to swell and turn angry shades of purple and yellow. The wounds where their arrows and spears had punctured his wings. I saw all of him. I didn’t think it right to look away. Not when I wanted to document all the damage that was done to him.

When they applied salve to the injuries and bound the wings, the healer turned to me.

“Now you have to be seen.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self-harm. It's a small one, but proceed with caution if these themes affect you !

\- Nesta -

I tried to protest, to tell them that I was fine and I didn’t need Rhysand’s fancy healer examining me. The last thing I wanted was to be touched. It was like that the last time. Even Elain’s feather-light hands had felt like they sent electric currents through my skin.

“We’ll need privacy.” The healer said. How much did she know? How much did the rest of them suspect? My nightgown had been torn when they found us clutching to each other out on the veranda. I suppose they could deduce, if Azriel’s shadows hadn’t already given him the details of what had transpired in that cave. Well, so be it.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I declared.

“Nesta…” Elain tried to appease me.

“I’m not leaving him.” I nodded towards the bed where Cassian now slept peacefully as the potions and salves worked away on him making his strong body whole again.

“Fine, then.” Feyre said and turned to Rhysand. “Do you mind?”

He looked at Cassian, as if he was assessing whether he’d need him. He seemed reluctant to leave his friend, but he did as she asked and Azriel followed. I could hardly make out his silhouette as he walked nearly completely enveloped in his shadows that shifted around him so fast, no doubt reporting as to what had happened.

I stepped outside of my body as the healer kneaded and probed my skin, and bandaged some cuts I didn’t know I had up my arms. Feyre watches silently, but Elain can’t bear it and after she sees their marks on my skin she hides her face in our sister’s neck. Elain should have gone to wait outside with the males – Azriel should have thought to ask her.

“How did you find us?” I hear myself ask, anything to distract me from crawling out of my own skin. I know they lived in the estate by the river now; this place was mostly used for official business.

“Nuala and Cerridwen heard you and alerted Az.” My youngest sister replied simply. I knew there was more she itched to say, but I appreciated that she kept her mouth shut as the healer stepped back and declared her work done.

Feyre thanked her and followed her outside. To pay her I supposed.

So I stayed in the room with Elain. She peered at Cassian and concern lined her delicate features.

“He was fine last time,” she whispered. I knew what she was referring to. I vaguely remember the days after we had been made fae. Feyre had gone to Tamlin, set on her plan to destroy the Spring Court from within. Elain had sunk into a deep depression, mourning over Graysen and Cassian had been out for days, his wings had been shredded then and this very same healer had basically reconstructed them from scratch. He would be fine, Elain was right to think so.

“I just blame myself for not seeing this.” She said in a small voice.

“Never say that,” I told her. “We don’t know how your gift works. There may have been many reasons why.”

She nodded. “Azriel and Amren are trying to help me learn more about it.”

I winced at Amren’s name. Amren had been my own teacher once. I hoped that she was gentler with Elain than she had been with me.

I stole a glance at Cassian then, needing to keep checking on him, to make sure he was fine. Even though I knew nothing changed, that it was only myself and Elain in the room. An irrational part of me just wanted to confirm that he’s safe.

My sister caught my eyes and she whispered something about wanting to check on what everyone’s doing outside as she slipped out of the room. I saw her arms hanging awkwardly at her sides, how she’d fluttered them as if she wanted to hug me but decided against it. I was thankful for that.

Seeing as I was alone with him now, I drew the chair closer to the bed. I sat there, my lids heavy as I counted his breaths, as I tried to convince myself that the worst was over. As I ignored the sting of my own wounds healing and tried to push away the visions of what had transpired. The memory of their hands on my body made me want scratch at myself hard enough to draw blood.

I was lost in the darkest places of my mind when the door creaked open and in walked Rhysand.

“May I speak with you?”

I didn’t move from my chair but nodded.

“Outside?” He asked and there was an edge to his voice I couldn’t quite place. A different edge was reserved for Feyre – a tension that overtook his whole body. But this was different. This was, I realized, what his worry for his family must look like.

I had a family once... I thought wistfully.

“You still do.” He replied out loud and I flinched.

I knew what Rhysand was and I was always careful not to allow my mind to slip up in his presence. But my body being so taxed, it was inevitable.

“Do not.” I warned him, but there wasn’t nearly enough bite in my voice to convince me, let alone a male with powers such as his.

“I won’t go into this. Not here, not now. But come outside with me. I need to run through what happened.”

I still didn’t get up from my seat. “Don’t you usually have people for that? Azriel does your bidding when you want answers. Or am I wrong?”

“Azriel just left. But even if he were still here, I’d rather do this myself.”

He didn’t trust me to tell the truth, he wanted to see for himself, I realized. Straight from my head.

I stole one last look at Cassian, resisting the urge to run my hand through his hair. I hated seeing it knotted and I suspected their wear flecks of his blood in the tangles. I made a mental note to ask for water once Rhysand released me. I’d do this myself.

There was no sign of Elain or Feyre in the hallway when we stepped outside. So I leaned against the wall as casually as I could muster, though really I needed it for stability and crossed my arms waiting for him to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk who guessed it, but next chapter will be a Rhys POV. I have way too much fun having these two hate each other. More Nessian will be in about 2-3 chapters when Cassian wakes up. In the meantime take Nesta fussing and lusting over his sleeping body. :P x J


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could have been two chapters but Rhysand's POV is really short so I thought I'd just upload a bit more today.

\- Rhysand -

I looked at the slender female in front of me, harnessing all my self-control, willing my voice to remain calm, my face neutral.

Despite what she thought, my plan was not to look into her mind for answers. I just wanted a first-hand account of what had happened to them. Azriel’s information was hazy at best. And I also harbored a small hope that I might get through to her.

I had so many questions, but I thought I’d be civil first, cordial.

“Thank you. For looking after him. I know we don’t see eye to eye. But I know that you care about him.”

I left out that Azriel had told me that Cassian was with another female when he was caught. Although I suspected Nesta must have known.

She didn’t respond. She just eyed me coldly, waiting for me to make my point.

“Please, tell me if there’s anything I could do to help make things easier.” I said to her because I was raised well, because I was a gracious host, but all the while in my head I thought about all the times Nesta had made things harder for Feyre.

“I wish you’d just get on with it, Rhysand.” She said coldly.

Fine, then.

“How did you winnow so close to the House, Nesta? No one’s ever done it since –”

The things I left unsaid Nesta couldn’t possibly know. How I’d winnowed probably in the same spot she had up in the air the night the bond had snapped into place for myself and Feyre. The day I fled Amarantha’s court like I’d been chased. Had the same magic fuelled what Nesta had done? I remembered well, the confusion and elation, at being free, at knowing who Feyre was to me. _Love,_ the most powerful magic of all. It had been enough to break the wards that protected this House. For Nesta it was different, but the principal was the same. I was willing to bet my life on it, she’d done it to protect her mate. My brother.

If this was Nesta’s house too, if the wards had known, it was because she was family. And I knew nothing in the time she’s been away helped mend her relationship with Feyre, so it was because of who she was to Cassian that the magic had allowed her to get so close.

“Have you –” I began to ask before her cold eyes that were nothing like my mate’s flew daggers at me and she cut me off.

“I have not accepted him. But I know what we are now.”

“He’s confirmed it to you?” I asked tentatively.

“He didn’t have to.” She said ruefully. “But yes, he did.”

“When?” I asked wanting to satisfy my own curiosity, but also wanting to understand why Cassian chose not to share this with me.

“I don’t have to answer to you,” she said and left me in the hallway, her back ramrod straight and her chin held high in defiance as she turned her back to me and returned to her mate.

 _Ever so charming Nesta,_ I thought and I almost laughed to myself.

What I admired in her though was her grace in the face of tragedy, she’d been the person to always stand strong to always keep going. I suppose there was a bit of my mate in her after all, I had to recognize that – the strength, the resilience, they just manifested differently in each of the sisters. I had come to know that. Nesta was willing to break herself to keep going, where Feyre had done it inadvertently.

\- Nesta -

Cassian slept like a log all through me cleaning his hair and brushing out the knots. He only groaned in what I gathered was pleasure as I shampooed his scalp and I froze in place afraid that he’d open his eyes and find me leaning over him. But he stayed sedated, tucked under the veil of medicine that worked away in his system.

I’d washed and combed his hair, but dare not touch the rest of him. It had been three days and he didn’t wake even for food. We’d sent for the healer and she said that if he stayed like this for another two that we would have to withhold the medication so he’d wake from the pain. For now whenever he started growling in pain the healer had instructed me to crush some leaves into a paste and feed him it. He always gulped it down and it was the only thing that had entered his system in these three days.

My sister made sure I was fed though I refused to leave him for longer than half an hour. I’d eat when Feyre or Elain sat with me for a while, bringing tea and broth for me to lunch on. Elain had also brought a book which was a welcome distraction, although I found myself stopping to check on him more often than he needed me to.

I’d washed myself yesterday too thinking he might wake up and wanting to look less run-down than I felt. But he hadn’t so I kept by that chair. Today I’d drawn it even closer to the bed. Azriel who had sat with me in silence for two hours had only just left and I felt my eyes closing. I’d only slept very little as my sleep was plagued by new nightmares now, but I felt my lids heavy and decided to lay my head on the bed to rest there for a few moments.

*

I stirred in my sleep and realized he was playing with my hair. I couldn’t help myself when I jolted upright and fled to the farthest wall. Putting my back against it. I must have looked like I’d fully gone insane.

He sat up and I almost chucked my book at his thick head.

“We fuss over you for three days for you to what? You just want to get up and march out of here?”

“Come closer then.”

I shook my head, not trusting my voice not to break. I could see the light return in his eyes, there was regret and pain, but there was also that playful spirit that made him so damn irresistible.

“Nesta… I’m sorry…”

 _For what,_ I wanted to scream at him. _For going to another female’s bed? For breaking my heart? Arguably I didn’t have one to begin with._

“You don’t owe me anything.” I said instead. “Go sleep with half of Prythian if you like. Go sleep with Morrigan again if it’ll make you happy.”

I heard his sharp intake of breath and I shut my mouth, but not before it was too late. I’d shown my cards now. I saw his eyes widen and then he was pushing the covers back. In three strides he was standing over me. His breath came out in labored huffs as he used his muscles for the first time in days.

I kept my eyes trained on his chest, refusing to face him.

“Look at me.” He ordered, but his tone was still soft, gentle.

I obeyed.

“You saved us both, Nesta. You yielded magic you didn’t even know you had.”

I looked away from his adoring eyes, the pride in them made bile rise in my throat – had he not known I wanted to lie there while they prowled over my still body? Pretend I didn’t exist? Had he not know I hoped he’d unleash his brute Illyrian power and wipe the earth clean of both of us? I had welcomed death.

I felt him take my hand and tug me forward so I sat on the bed beside him. I didn’t have the strength to shake him off, not after I’d seen so much of his blood spilled again.

He started to run soothing circles on my back then, and I tried to refuse him.

“Don’t…” but a small moan escaped my lips as his hand trailed higher and started massaging my neck.

I could feel a hum through our connection. It was joy, appreciation. _This is right, this is the way it should be. Give in, give in, give in._ It was my body screaming this, not him, after so long I could finally separate the two.

Encouraged, he inched closer. He cupped my face then and my breath hitched, thinking he might kiss me. And what would I do then? Did I have the strength to refuse him again?

“Nesta, I’m sorry I’m a coward. I’m sorry I didn’t fight for us. Not when it mattered most.”

I closed my eyes and wished he’d stop talking. I’d done much worse to him and though no one was keeping score, I knew I shouldn’t be one to judge him for seeking revenge or release, whichever it was. I was the one who pushed him away after all.

But then my palm made contact with his cheek. Quick, precise, the way he’d shown me. He didn’t block me. He probably could have, but he most likely felt like he deserved I could see that in his eyes that were filled with shame.

But then something rough and dark awoke in him, the Cassian only the battleground and myself could coax out.

I panicked and dashed for the door, but he was faster than me. Swiftly blocking my path. He swayed a little, but he didn’t look weak, it was mostly just his muscles waking up again.


	21. Chapter 21

\- Cassian -

“I deserved this. But I fucking dare you. Lift that hand again and I’ll rip it off your shoulder.” I said, not because I’d ever do anything to hurt her and deep down I knew her anger was justified. But because I couldn’t help the adrenaline that coursed through me still. It would be a long time before I managed to calm myself down, to shed the feeling of being on edge.

Looking at my surroundings, I realized I was in my room at the House of Wind. Where the hell was Rhys? Maybe I could talk him into sparring with me and then I’d be ready to go back at it with Nesta without fear of losing my cool. But there was no Rhys, I was just stuck with her in my room that’s never felt smaller, filled as it was with her scent and she looked at me with those big blue eyes that were filled with pain.

Defiant as ever, she ignored my warning and tried to strike again. Only this time I’d anticipated it and I stopped her, blocking her hand when it was inches from my face. She struggled, trying her darn hardest to yank herself free but I didn’t let go even as she grew frustrated and her efforts wild and desperate. And then I twisted the offending arm, pinning it behind her back. She stopped struggling then and just looked at me, her eyes wide, not with fear, but surprise. And it’s true, for a male with notoriously very little self-control I was far too patient with her, up until now. I saw the pain she carried and I had tried my hardest not to add to it, but she managed to find the cracks in my armor with almost military precision and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I backed her to the wall and stared down at her as she stared at me, her chin raised.

I tried counting my breaths, but nothing worked. I was about to start shaking when I blurted out the words, my voice thundering around the walls.

“What do you want from me? I’m only trying to understand you.”

She looked away then and it was as if I was the one who’d slapped _her_. “I don’t want anything from you,” she said through gritted teeth. “You’re the one who’s refusing to let me go, to let me be.”

I loosened my grip on the arm I held behind her back instantly, but she made no move to step away from me. So I knew it was now or never and I decided to press her more.

“I don’t think you want me to leave you alone, Nesta. I think that you push me away because you can, because you know I’ll worship the ground on your feet no matter what you do to me.”

Nesta flinched and I considered backing away or opening that door that was our bond and to _listen in_ on how she felt. But was I ready for the rage _or worse_ I’d find there? So I stood there waiting for her to walk around me like I was nothing but a piece of furniture that was in her way. But a moment passed, and then another and she didn’t move. So I took another gamble as I lowered my lips to hers slowly, giving her ample time to back out, to refuse me. But she didn’t. And when I closed my mouth around hers I thought I’d died. I had lived with the memory of how her skin and her lips had tasted. But this was better than all the times she’d snuck in my dreams, somehow I could never capture her just right.

I growled into the kiss and she moaned in response, and as her lips parted I deepened it, pressing her against the wall again, wanting her to know I was already hard for her.

I felt the need to claim her, to finally take the female the Cauldron had deemed as my equal and wash away every touch that wasn’t mine. I was hyper-aware of what she’d gone through, and I suspected it hadn’t been the first time this happened to her, that males _touched_ her against her will. I wondered if she’d maybe need time to process it a different way than what I was proposing.

I braced myself against the wall on either side of her face for fear that if I used my hands it would be to undress her. And I wouldn’t do that, not until she’d allowed me to at least.

As I run through options of what I’d consider permission, she pulled my hair and I growled again, lower, deeper. And before I realized, I was gripping her thighs tightly and she wrapped her legs around my waist. I knew that I could take her then and there against the wall, just shift her dresses out the way and that was that – I’d stake my claim, I’d bed _my mate._ But this was not some quick lay, this was Nesta.

 _You’re not an animal… You’re not an animal…_ I repeated it to myself, hoping it would help hold me back.

But then she whispered my name breathlessly into my mouth and I unravelled. I took her off the wall and walked over to the bed and the way she curled her body around mine, burying her face in my neck had me practically sprinting to cover the short distance.

 _Don’t throw her on the bed, lower her…_ But she never let go so we tumbled down together and I fell on top of her. She let out a gasp, but the small laugh that followed had me pull back to survey her, committing her to my memory – the crinkles around her eyes, the way her teeth showed as her top lip curled. She returned the gaze and I feared that the appreciation in my eyes would drive her off, break the spell. But she sat up on her elbows and narrowed her stare.

Was she actually laughing? One moment she was slapping me and now she was laughing, sprawled beside me on _my_ bed. I considered briefly that maybe I died and this was some peaceful afterlife where me and Nesta would fuck and fight for all eternity. I must have looked lost because her gaze darkened and she sat up hugging her knees to her chest.

“You almost died, Cassian.” She said as if she read my mind. “Again… And I can’t hate you… Not when I see you use the last ounce of strength left in your body to protect me.”

She said it so simply, so quietly and held my gaze while she spoke the words. It was true, what she said but I’d never seen it that way. I just followed an instinct in the moment. She thought me so much more than I really was.

It sobered me up real quick. And I forced my mind to slow down, think of the practical things.

“How… how did we get here?” The details were foggy in mind. “Did you winnow?” I remembered being up in the air above the house, but my wings wouldn’t work. _Shit, my wings._

I staggered to a mirror and tried to flex them, but they were bound in tightly and I couldn’t see them at all. This just keeps happening and one day will be the last, or so Elain had said. Nesta’s hands closed around my bicep and I felt the fire ignite again as soon as she touched me.

“Lie down. And I’ll tell you everything.” She commanded me.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It just occurred to me how often I refer to the Tomas Mandray incident that’s implied in Wings & Embers. So on the off chance that some of you haven’t read that yet (it’s an extra chapter that was first released with a special edition of ACOMAF) then definitely check it out before you proceed with this chapter because I’m referring back to that a fair bit.

\- Cassian -

I let Nesta lead me back to my bed but when she went for the chair I clicked my tongue and tapped on the mattress beside me. I wanted to keep touching her, or the dream might crack.

She rolled her eyes but for once did as I asked and I couldn’t help the silly grin that bloomed on my face.

I hadn’t expected her not to hate me and I couldn’t believe my lucky stars as she sat there and tried to explain to me how she’d winnowed us miles from where we’d been and so close to this place that had so many wards protecting it. I marvelled at how simply amazing she was, how she sometimes didn’t know her own strength.

And I remembered then something darker, from our time in that cave. I had to say it and then I’d put that night to sleep forever.

“Why didn’t you use your power from the Cauldron to fend them off?”

“What?” She faltered.

“When we were in there, Nesta. I begged you to do it. It would have been over so quick if you had.”

She considered for a moment. “I can never wield it just right. I didn’t trust myself not to kill you.” She whispered thoughtfully and my heart skipped a beat.

“I could have killed you when I misted them. My power’s a mess without the Siphons,” was all I could manage.

She closed her eyes and I felt her struggle with something for a moment. “I fought too hard last time with…” and she stopped again on the name.

I would find this man, and I’d wipe him of this earth if it were the last thing I did. I made a silent vow to ask Feyre and not take no for an answer. But Nesta went on.

“And I couldn’t… Not this time… While you were there –”

Her voice broke and I felt my eyes sting. I had been careful to keep the distance between us while she sat next to me, but I couldn’t anymore. I just pulled her to me and run my hand through her soft, golden curls.

When her first sob contracted through her entire body I felt a dam burst open within me. I cradled her face and kissed every tear that fell down her cheeks, tasting the salt water of her released pain.

She clung to me in a way that I couldn’t shake off and we slammed into each other like supernovas. I’d had enough. I wanted her. Mating bond be damned.

I shed her clothes and she trembled under my touch. Beautiful, perfect, flawless. My mate, so broken and sad and at times angry. But I’d be there to anchor her the way she anchored me and we’d climb that hill together.

I kissed her collarbones, I kissed down her breasts, I felt her arch into my mouth and I was on fire. I run my tongue over her hard nipple and toyed with the other between my fingers. I felt them harden under my touch as she moaned with pleasure.

I murmured my encouragement as I planted more kisses down her abdomen until I reached between her legs, even just the scent of her, it drove me wild. I looked up at her and found her perched on her elbows, eyeing me hungrily. I gave her another grin, one of the ones I knew never failed, cavalier and charming.

“You’re just so full of yourself.” She said, but her voice didn’t hold its usual bite. She was excited, breathless.

“We’ll see about that,” I countered and went to work on her. I teased and licked and toyed with her until my name was a litany on her lips.

“Cassian… Cassian… Cassian…”

I knew she was close so I stopped cold, pulling back just in time to watch her writhe in the sheets for a moment before she realized I’d stopped. Her skin was flushed and her eyes fluttered open and darted to me. She was pleading, ravenous.

I wondered where in me I had the strength to do this when all of my being ached for her. When my cock was throbbing painfully underneath the light cotton fabric of my sleeping pants.

I bared my teeth at her.

“Oh, did you want something, Nesta?”

She took the pillow from underneath her head and chucked it at me between her legs. I dodged it and let it hit the floor.

I gave her another lick, a sloppy one this time, just my tongue flat on her entrance between her legs.

“You can’t be serious.” She said as she narrowed her eyes at me. “You want this as much as I do.”

She wasn’t wrong, but I knew she’d made up her mind about me. About what we were. And I knew that she was stubborn and proud and that she’d never admit it without a push. Without having the “out” that I forced her hand. So we had to do this dance and I’d be damned if I didn’t enjoy it.

“Say. It.”

Her mouth pressed into a thin line. I looked up from my position between her legs and prowled on top of her until our faces were inches from each other and she could smell herself on me.

“Say it, or I walk away.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Watch me.” I threw at her.

Two could play this game, so I made to push myself off the bed and she gripped my forearms, stopping me.

“Take me, Cassian.”

There was no sarcam, no venom. Just raw urgency. And like a dam bursting open I unleashed myself on her body with newfound fervour.

“Tell me what I want to hear. Say the words.” I said as I lowered my mouth to her breasts, licking and nipping at her hardened nipples again.

“My body – ah – my body belong to you. I’m yours and you’re _mine._ ”

I paused, weighing her words. She meant it, she’d mulled it over, she’d known.

And so I growled deep in my throat as I freed myself and entered her in one swift movement. There was no more teasing, no more playing. I’d waited long enough. I just buried myself to the hilt and stilled as I found myself home in my mate’s warm, inviting body.

“And mine belongs to you, Nesta Archeron.” I said. Her name on my lips felt like a prayer, a benediction.

I saw her contemplate the weight of my confession. And then she rose on her elbows to meet me for a kiss. I poured myself into it, every ounce of my soul for her to drink up, bathe in.

She rolled her hips then and my mind snapped into action. I’d bed her. I’d get to be her mate, not just her guardian, the lingering shadow that orbited around her.

I picked up the motion as I let her guide me through the pace she wanted me to keep. I gave her what she wanted – quick and deep, and she met me thrust for thrust. Her panted breaths ringing in my ears as I felt myself slip. I buried my face in her breasts as I spilled myself deep inside her, wanting to inhabit her smell and stay in this bubble forever.

I felt her stroke my hair, tender and kind – a gesture I would have never expected from her and my heart filled with warmth, because this was the soft Nesta, the one that I’d have to earn. To be granted access, it meant that I was to her all that I ever hoped I’d be.

Nesta had her eyes closed when I sprawled out beside her, stretching my sore muscles. I knew I was drugged up and I’d probably regret the _activities_ come tomorrow

“I love you to the point of physical pain,” I said eyeing her appreciatively. “My hands hurt when they’re not touching you, my eyes hurt if I’m not watching you.”

She made a sound that sounded like a purr and added, “For an ancient, tough warrior you’re surprisingly sappy.” She delicately rested her head on my arm, and curled her naked body around me, one leg draped over mine and her hand around my neck.

 _She’ll be the death of me,_ I thought as the door clicked open and my instinct to protect her took over every atom of my body. I pounced in front of her ready to take on whoever was coming through that door.


	23. Chapter 23

\- Cassian -

Rhys stood at the doorway frozen; our scent must have hit him before he’d even entered the room. I tried to wrangle the panic that rose in my chest, I tried to listen to reason that he was a mated male, that there was no love lost between him and Nesta, but my frenzied, fried brain would hear none of that and all I could see was an attractive male, with a cocky grin on his mouth enjoying the view of myself and my mate.

“Oh, bad time?” He laughed.

“Get the fuck out and stop ogling her, you prick.” I said as I turned around to wrap Nesta up in the sheets.

“You’re well then, I take it?”

“GET. OUT.” I said again, but this time I rose to my feet and squared my shoulders. If my wings hadn’t been bound, I would have spread them wide and show the little asshole who was the stronger male.

But Rhys didn’t flinch, he just laughed in my face and threw my own line at me. “Mating bond chafing a bit, Cass?”

I growled and took another menacing step. I didn’t care that I had no clothes on, I would make him bleed. Rhys didn’t flinch. He just stared me down, that ridiculously pretty face of his the perfect picture of arrogance.

“Just remember,” he said only half-seriously. “You nearly died _again._ So you ought to be getting some rest. May I suggest going on your back for a while.” And then he dared flash a sardonic smile at _my mate_ and add “I’m sure there are ways that will still work for you…?”

I launched for him but he dodged out of the way and I nearly fell forward. I definitely wasn’t a hundred per cent, but I would kick his ass regardless.

He leaned his elbow against the door and eyed me challengingly. He was lucky I was wounded or I’d wipe the floor with him.

“He told you to get out, you conceited asshole. Unless you wanna take a seat and watch.” Nesta said from behind my shoulder and I was never more thankful the Cauldron saw fit to pair me with her.

It wiped the smug amusement right off Rhys’ face. “Go play with your mate, Cassian. I’ll make sure no one disturbs you. You and I need to debrief at some point. But I can give you today. Just try and keep it down will you? You might give sweet Elain a fright if you keep howling like animals.” And with that he turned on his heels and exited my room.

I had half a mind to chase him, but I didn’t. Only because Nesta’s pull was infinitely stronger. I doubted I’d leave this room ever again.

When I returned to bed and she lay her head on my chest, her hair tickling my chin.

“You didn’t kill him… That’s a start.” She murmured.

But I barely heard her, the moment my head hit the pillow all I wanted was to close my eyes and let myself rest with the knowledge that when I opened them again she’d be the first thing I see.

\- Nesta -

I kept my head on his chest as he slept, enjoying the rhythmic rise and fall as he breathed softly. He snored, but only slightly, more like a hiss of breath every time he exhaled. I caught myself thinking I didn’t mind it, that this was maybe the closest I’d ever get to the married life I’d once envisioned for myself. And in comparing what my life with Tomas Mandray or any other man in my village would have been like, I found that Cassian was infinitely better. But I was glad he was asleep and would never know I thought this.

This may be miles away from anything I’d ever expected for myself, but I thought of Cassian, of all that he’d done for me. He was a good male, a hot-headed, stubborn one. He was lethal and dangerous, but he was good. He had a good heart and deep down I’d always known that, since the first moment Feyre had dragged him to my doorstep. I supposed I ought to thank her for that.

I thought then of what we’d just done and tried to understand the weight of my declaration. What accepting him as my mate had meant. I only grasped the concept in the simplest terms, but I wondered if this was like accepting some marriage proposal. I hoped not, because if he made me do that while I had my legs spread for him I will kill him. This also called for a talk with Feyre. _And Elain._

Now that the fog was lifted, the worry about Cassian not healing well squashed – he was strong, he was stubborn, he healed before and he will again, I knew I should tell my sisters what happened. I knew they would both be happy, Elain because the idea of love always lit her face up in the most beautiful of ways, and if I knew one thing it was that I loved Cassian. And Feyre would be pleased too, Cassian was her friend, I knew she’d been watching us since the beginning, held her breath at every turn.

But for now all I wanted was to enjoy being in his arms. I’d been running for so long that this felt like a homecoming of a sort, like finding a port that would take you in. And all I wanted was to have the world slow down, forget about Rhysand’s enemies, the ones that it was Cassian’s job to fend off one day, forget about the pain of our past and just be here, one beating heart on this bed that was now our island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short one today but I just wanted to give you a bit of fluff and domestic bliss. x J


	24. Chapter 24

\- Nesta -

I sat by the window taking in the stunning image of Velaris covered under a thick coat of snow. It’s been three days since I had accepted the bond, and in that time I’d done very little other than alternate between sleep and lovemaking. Cassian was insatiable, and if this was what he was like when he was wounded I didn’t want to know what our time together would be after he had recovered.

Every day Rhysand would appear at the door asking if Cassian was ready to have a civilised conversation like a male of reason. And every day Cassian sent him away, along with hurling a number of epithets his way. Elain also came sometimes only to leave food outside the door, I recognized her knocks, but she would scurry away before I’d even open it. I thought maybe she was embarrassed not to catch a glimpse of some inappropriate body part.

Cassian was still asleep, turned on his stomach with his long limbs sprawled towards all four corners of the bed. He run so hot always that he’d shed the sheets, so his naked form was bare for me to enjoy. How the defined muscles of his back, marred with scars that were slowly healing, wound down to his sculpted ass. In moments like this when he was so still, and so perfect I wish I were a painter like my youngest sister so I could commit his perfect form to paper and immortalize him forever.

His unruly hair was falling in his face and before I realized I was doing it I’d sat beside him and careful to avoid his wings that were still bound tightly, I pressed my chest against his shoulder and pushed his hair back, planting a kiss on his cheek. He smiled in his sleep but didn’t stir. I kissed him again and this time his dark lashes lazily fluttered open.

He breathed my name and twisted so he’d be lying on his back beneath me, our faces so close that our noses almost touched. I looked into his clear eyes and saw pure bliss.

“Does this ever get old do you think?” I asked him. It wasn’t wistful; I just knew that my luck was always bound to run out, things were never good or stable for too long in my life. So while this complete and utter peace was welcome, I knew to always expect the other shoe to drop.

As if he knew that darker thoughts were clouding my brain, he groaned from the effort but pulled himself up and kissed the tip of my nose and then something twinkled in his hazel eyes.

“You know what could be new… what Rhys said… you could give me a break…”

“Are you embarrassed to put it to words?” I asked enjoying watching him squirm. “Here and if I recall first time we’d been alone in a room together you’d asked me if I’d been with a man.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Or a woman,” I added biting my lip. _Let him picture that._

His eyes were alight with excitement and I knew what he wanted me to do. I pushed him back on the mattress and loosened the sash of the silk robe I’d been wearing so it would expose just a thin strip down my body, all the way to between my legs that I manoeuvred so I was straddling him. He run his hands up the sides of my thighs while he let out a low whistle of approval and then gripped me tightly.

I braced one hand on his shoulder as I leaned forward, my hardened nipples grazing his bare chest through the thin fabric of my robe. He growled appreciatively and I slipped my other hand between us lining him up against my already slick entrance. He winced at the contact, the sensation sending gooseflesh across his skin.

Slowly I let my hips sink against his, and a breathless gasp escaped my lips once he was buried to the hilt inside me, the sensation already too much with this new angle. I put my other hand on his chest and started a slow, sensual pace, rolling my hips back and forth. I closed my eyes, letting the feeling wash over me and I felt him shift beneath me, sitting up and ripping the robe off my shoulders and burying his face between my breasts, lightly biting the tender skin until it felt raw and flushed.

He run his hand up my back and gripped my hair at the base of my neck and twisted it around his wrist pulling lightly and I yelped with surprise. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rode him with newfound excitement. It wasn’t lazy and erotic anymore, it was a bruising pace, purely animalistic and our bodies made obscene noises as they slapped together. Our mouths did too, our breath came out ragged and our panted breaths were coming out nearly like screams of pleasure.

When I reached my peak, it was entirely different than all the other times I’d ever experienced it because as my muscles contracted, Cassian erupted inside of me as a grunt escaped his lips. My body trembled with the aftershocks of my climax and he managed to hold us both upright as he soothingly stroked my hair. I let my head fall against his shoulder and slowly he lay back against the mattress and I was lying on top of him.

\- Cassian -

“I can’t keep putting Rhys off. I think I’ll talk to him today. I think we’ve had more than a lot of people get for their mating.” I thought of Rhys and Feyre and how they got one night before they’d gone to that diplomatic mission with the mortal queens – the one that ended up giving us nothing and costing us so much. So me and Nesta, we were lucky. Yes, there were enemies lurking in the shadows, but there always would be. At least this was a time of peace. And we got to enjoy each other’s company.

I also knew that neither myself nor Nesta were made to be stuck in such close proximity for prolonged periods of time. There were only so many love acts to keep us occupied from tearing each other’s throats. I wondered if I really was ready to step outside this bubble that we’d created where only we existed in while life went on.

I wondered what Rhys would say now that he probably already had all of the facts about what happened. He’d probably tear me a new one for not asking for back up when I saw Illyrians were getting unusually rowdy, but I could live with that.

Nesta’s face was clouded as she’d probably read in mine that I was thinking about work.

“You’re going to go talk to him today then.”

“You can say you’ll miss me, you know. It won’t go to my head.” I said flashing her a cheeky smile. The variety that made her insides go all fuzzy – I could tell by now. I’d started filing away more and more things that would make her tick. She’d shown her hand and now I’d be sure to drive her crazy every chance I got. What scared me shitless is that I knew she’d do the same. And if I get a hard-on at dinner, Mor and Az would never let me live it down.

She stayed pensive for a second and I would give anything to know what’s going on in that beautiful head of hers.

“If you want to stay here a couple of days longer, to just… settle into this… us… Just say the word, sweetheart.” I offered.

She ignored my proposal. “You always called me that. Did you always know?”

I pulled her face close to mine so she could read the truth of my words in my eyes beyond a shadow of a doubt.

“Yes, I always knew. For a while I didn’t let myself dream that I’d be so lucky, but you weren’t as good at hiding your feelings for me as you thought, _sweetheart.”_ My tongue drawled on the word. It always infuriated and appeased her at the same time. I loved that I could do that to her.

“How about we test the waters and go have breakfast downstairs in the dining hall like normal people?”

“Do you think there’d be anyone having breakfast here? They have this other big house by the river now.” She added at the end with just a hint of resentment.

“Thank again,” I said as I kissed her temple to ease away the thoughts that she was a burden to her family, that she wasn’t wanted. “Rhys, Feyre and Elain have all been staying here I suspect. And… well, Az does prefer it here but he may have moved to the townhouse because all this crowding would drive him crazy. But somehow I suspect that if your lovely sister is here,” I knew she knew I meant Elain by the sweet smile that bloomed in her eyes at the mention of her gentle, kind sister. “Then somehow I think Azriel would have stayed too.”

She considered what I was implying, but didn’t say anything. Not that I knew anything she didn’t. But there was something going on with Az and the kind-hearted, fawn-eyed Archeron.

“Long story short, I don’t think we’ll be alone for breakfast.”

“Fine I’m sure we can do that,” she said as she sauntered off to the bathroom swinging her hips in a way I’d never seen her do before and I just pushed myself out of the bed and practically chased after her.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, real talk ... The massive teaser that dropped on Jan 1st really did a number on me and all I can think of is Azriel. Hence the little break in posting. I'm also afraid that y'all are gonna get bored now that things are too good.   
> But like if Az shows up in every scene now just blame SJM. Sidenote: I'm working on an Az-Lucien-Elain fic that's like a sequel to this one. No one probably wants to see that and I'm scared to even approach the subject but it's become all-consuming.  
> Anyways, please accept this longer than usual chapter as a peace offering ! x J

\- Cassian -

I leaned against the wall, watching Nesta wrung her wet hair and then pull it into a tight braid. Her deft fingers expertly manoeuvring the strands but when she got to the end she faltered looking for something to secure it with.

“Just hang on,” I said, leaving her to pinch the end of her braid with her fingers. I padded back to my room in search of some kind of hair tie, looking through a drawer, I dug out one of the leather strings I often use to pull my hair back when I train.

When I returned I couldn’t help but notice that she smiled when she saw me in the doorway and it made my heart flutter because sometimes I still wasn’t sure that she liked me.

“You’re dripping everywhere,” she said sternly and I laughed as I shook my head from side to side sending droplets of water everywhere. She took the towel she had wrapped around her midriff and used it as a shield.

“Well if you keep doing this we’ll miss breakfast.” Nesta protested but she kept smiling. I never wanted her to stop. So far most of our relationship had been pain. And all I hoped was that from now on she’d never have to cry for me again. Not because I’ve upset her, not because I’m in danger, not because I’m hurt.

“Allow me,” I said as I stepped closer and wrapped the string a few times around her hair before tying it into a small bow. “There, perfect.” I carefully placed it down her back and retreated a step as if to observe my masterpiece.

“I’ll need a shirt or something to wear…” she mumbled as her cheeks turned a beautiful rosy shade and I nearly creamed myself.

I’d never shake off the image of her in another male’s shirt the day I’d gone to collect and deliver her to Rhys and Feyre so they could announce they’d be exiling her to the mountains. But maybe this would do some thing to ease that.

“I’m sure I can help with that.” I said smugly and marched back into my bedroom with her in tow.

I opened my wardrobe where I kept my nicer shirts hanging up, but Nesta scoffed. She _scoffed_ at my nice clothes.

“It’s not a dinner party, Cassian. Just find something that’s long enough to cover my ass, and maybe a sweater so I don’t freeze my tits off.”

“Whatever the lady needs…” I muttered and walked over to a drawer and unearthed an ancient tunic and a really old sweater Rhys’ mother had actually knit for me. The tunic I had worn during the ceremony when they’d awarded me my Siphons. It would be an honor to have Nesta wear probably the only clothes I owned that held some significance to me.

She slipped on the garments I offered and inspected herself in the full length mirror. It was perfect; she was petite but taller than Amren so the shirt wasn’t obscene on her. It hit like a short dress, the kind Mor sometimes would wear on nights out. Perfectly acceptable.

“You look beautiful.” I offered simply. I had no words to capture how devastating she was.

I slipped on some clothes too while she hovered around the room pretending to straighten the sheets while she stole glances at me. I winced when I reached over to pull the tunic over my bruised wings and she froze, blanching. But when I moved she did too and that’s how I knew she was ogling me. And I didn’t mind one bit.

I held the door open for her. “Ready?”

\- Nesta -

As I followed him into the dining hall I became acutely aware of all conversation seizing before we even appeared in front of them, just at the mere sound of our footsteps. And when I did finally approach the long table where my family and his friends were seated passing jams and breadrolls, I saw their heads turn to us and they did very little to hide their curiosity. Even Azriel who was usually fairly discreet in his observations was looking at us with a mixture of amusement and intrigue.

I tried to appear casual as I took my seat next to Elain and she rushed to push a basket of my favorite pastries in my hands.

“You must be starving.” She said with genuine concern.

But when Amren said “I bet she is” it took all of my self-control not to flip the whole darn table and all of its contents.

Cassian sat on my other side and reached for a platter of meats from the middle of the table completely ignoring her comment and started filling his plate and mine.

“Shouldn’t Nesta be feeding you, Cassian?” Rhys asked with an arched brow.

Cassian faltered for a second, but to his credit regained his composure quite quickly. “You should know from your own mate Rhys that the Archerons aren’t all too familiar with our customs. I haven’t discussed this with Nesta yet.”

“Discussed what?” I asked.

Cassian shrugged. “Oh it’s just a ceremony, if we wanted to officially declare that we’re mates. A marriage of a sort…”

Amren laughed again. “Don’t be so romantic, Cassian. You’ll sweep her off her feet.”

He gave her a dirty look before he put a hand on my lap. “I think I’ve done all I could to scare her off, but she’s still here.” I worried then that he might kiss me in front of everyone and Morrigan who was sat across from me must have too, because she averted her gaze, suddenly incredibly invested in the contents of her plate. But he didn’t, he just kept his hand on my leg and run his thumb up and down, stroking my thigh.

But for the rest of the meal and while I did my best to interact with Elain who was happy to finally have a chance to catch up, and was bubbling away about her garden, I only mulled over Cassian’s words. _A ceremony… a marriage..._ He’d said it so casually, so inevitably. And maybe it was nothing, or rather a natural progression in the world where he was from, but to me this would have likely been the pinnacle of my lifetime, at least until I had children. But here we were talking about it as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Morrigan’s chirpy voice brought me back to reality. I lifted my eyes from my plate to find her staring at Cassian.

“It’s been ages since we’ve all been in on place. We should go out on the town and make a night of it. Fancy a round of drinks and a dance at Rita’s?” she asked casually.

His eyes darted to me as she mentioned drinking, but whatever she was playing at, I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. I plastered my broadest fake smile and said “Of course, we do need some kind of way to celebrate. Why not a night out in Velaris?”

Cassian’s hand stilled on my thigh but I didn’t turn to him, instead I looked at my sister on my other side. Elain let out a breath I didn’t know she was holding in and she clapped her hands together with excitement.

“Oh Nesta, how nice that would be! We could go get dresses after breakfast!”

And once again the world was spinning while I felt like I was stuck in quicksand my feet sinking deeper and deeper and no one would pull me out.

*

But there I was, trudging the snowy streets of the City of Starlight, walking along the river en route to one of Elain’s favorite dress shops. Feyre had politely declined joining us, which I was thankful for. I still felt the pain of betrayal at being sent away, and an anger I couldn’t quite justify towards her. I supposed in some ways we blamed each other for things that may have been beyond our control, for decisions we made that altered the path of our life forever.

I was looking at the still waters of the Sidra, wondering if it ever froze over and I almost slammed into Azriel who intercepted us on the street; his calm face gave nothing away about whether he’d known we’d be here or not. He greeted me with a nod and a small smile. Elain’s excitement at seeing him had her practically leaping to wrap her arms around his neck for a quick hug. We’d just seen him a few hours ago at breakfast.

I held my tongue and resolved to question Cassian and see whether the shadowsinger shared his thoughts on my sister with his childhood friend.

“Are you on your way somewhere?” Elain asked slipping into an easy conversation with him.

“I’ve actually just finished picking up some presents for Solstice.” He said simply.

Of course, it was nearly Solstice – Feyre’s birthday and by all accounts the biggest holiday of the Night Court. Nothing in his manner gave away who they would be for. He was however not carrying any bags, so I assumed the presents were on his person, jewels perhaps. Certainly for Amren, and perhaps also Elain…?

“Would you care to join us? Maybe keep Nesta company… You know how I always take too long to decide on a dress.”

_How does he know?_

Azriel smoothly offered her his elbow, which she took and I was happy to let them lead the way. They talked about some flower Elain was growing, and a painting Feyre had been working on that she wasn’t letting anyone see. Elain was drilling the Spymaster about whether he had means of discovering its subject through his shadows. He threw his head back as he laughed and Elain smiled brightly.

When we reached the store, I saw why Elain liked this one. While the fashions of the Night Court were for the most part revealing, this little boutique that my sister had unearthed married the style of this court with more classic silhouettes.

She greeted the shopkeeper by name and picked out a few dresses before she disappeared into the changing room, leaving Azriel and I to awkwardly cram into a small settee in closer proximity than we’d ever been before.

He seemed oddly relaxed and I couldn’t help but ask.

“Come here often then?”

“Once or twice,” he replied cryptically. I knew better than to expect him to elaborate. Instead he expertly changed the subject. “Won’t you try on anything?”

“I don’t think so,” I cut him off. I was still hang up on what had transpired over breakfast.

As if he’d known, and perhaps he had, perhaps he too had some sort of mind-reading ability like his High Lord because the shadowsinger said, “I know you probably think I’m overstepping. But as someone who knows Cassian, he’s not taking you for granted. He’s just never really had what you might traditionally call a relationship. So allow him to sometimes be a little, forward in his approach. You both need to be patient with each other which I know won’t come easy to either of you. But he does care. A great deal, Nesta.”

I was about to tell him to mind his own business, perhaps choosing some cruel words but just then my sister interrupted us. Elain came out in a pale pink dress, made of sheer, gauzy material that caught the light in a way that made it look iridescent. It suited her a great deal. While the sheer gown was flowy, the underdress was tight and moulded into her curves in a way that made her look womanly without even trying.

“You look breathtaking in this one, Elain.” Azriel said in a voice so soft that it made me think of warm honey.

She met his eyes for a moment before her gaze flitted to the floor, and a blush spread across her nose and cheeks. She murmured in thanks and flitted back to the changing room where she took only slightly longer than usual before she came out clutching the garment and still unable to meet either of us in the eyes.

I took it from her hands and she fled the store to stand outside in the biting cold. I walked to a pale blue silk dress I’d spotted when I was sitting with Azriel and handed it to the shopkeeper as well. We had credit in all the shops, just because of our relation to Feyre, but I liked to use that even less than I did Cassian’s money that he had handed me before I left with Elain.

So I paid for both dresses despite Azriel’s gallant offer to buy them for us and we both stepped outside to find my sister rosy cheeked from the cold.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s head back. Your cloak is all for show. You’ll catch a cold.”

We walked through the city in silence and I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly had transpired between her and the shadowsinger. When we reached the base of the mountain the House of Wind was perched on. Then Azriel took us both in his arms and flew us back to the House.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I apologize for the random Azriel content. I don't know what came over me. The Rita's chapter's nearly done so hopefully I'll get back to daily updates ! I'm just doing a few changes/adjustments now.


	26. Chapter 26

\- Nesta -

Elain insisted I get ready with her in her room, so I hadn’t seen Cassian all day. After we ate he had gone into the meeting with Rhysand and the two of them had still been hauled in his office when we returned from our little trip to the shops. It made me feel uneasy, but what I understood was that now that I had accepted it, the bond had become this live thing – even more so than before. I still couldn’t of course outright read his mind, but the emotions I received from him gave me a crystalline idea of how the meeting was going – lousy. Rhys was wiping the floor with Cassian, listing all the ways he mishandled the situation and Cassian being Cassian, he felt like he deserved the tongue-lashing.

I let Elain fuss over me, swooning over how the dress highlighted the curve of my breasts and my high neck, how it left my arms and my back exposed without being vulgar. She arranged my hair in a careful updo she adorned with a star-shaped diamond-encrusted pin and then disappeared to slip on her own dress.

“Here, let me do your hair now.”

She obeyed me without a question, sitting at her vanity. I knew she liked her hair simple and flowing down her back so I only took a few small strands and weaved them together in little braids that I connected to the back of her head, securing them with a silk ribbon the same shade of pink as her dress. She smiled at me through the mirror.

“It’s been so long, Nesta. I’ve missed this.”

I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I willed them to stay put. “I’ve missed this too,” I said as I put a hand on her shoulder. I had missed _her,_ our talks and our late night heart to hearts. I’d missed being there for her and being the one she’d share her hopes and dreams with. But maybe it wasn’t too late; maybe we could still mend that fence.

She pulled a small jewellery box to her lap and opened it to grab a pair of teardrop shaped earrings made of amethyst. The lilac stones pairing perfectly with her dress and bringing out the shade of her beautiful brown eyes.

“Would you like to borrow something of mine?” She asked as she offered the box.

Once, there would have been a time when the idea of adorning myself with precious jewels after being deprived of them for so long would have filled my heart with joy to the point of weeping. But I didn’t need this any more. It meant nothing to me.

“No, thank you.”

I smiled at my sister and offered her my hand which she took as she got up from her seat.

*

Stepping into the sitting hall, the first thing I spotted was Cassian’s wings, unbound and stretched proudly behind him. They were still marred with blotchy bruises, but nowhere near the ruined mess they had been only a few days ago.

He saw my eyes snag there, and he gave me a cocky, crooked grin as he approached and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Good as new, sweetheart. What do you think?”

“I think you’re an arrogant prick.”

“And I think you’re a vision in blue.” He run a hand down the open back of the dress and I shivered at his touch.

“Is it not too soon to unbound your wings?”

“And miss the opportunity to fly my own mate down the mountain?”

His excitement was infectious; I could hardly stay mad at him. He looked very smart himself, trading his fighting leathers for a simple black silk tunic.

“Did the healer approve of this?” I insisted.

He teasingly rolled his eyes. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you care.”

I was ready to give him a piece of my mind when Rhysand and Feyre appeared at the stairs hand-in-hand.

“Ready to go then?” Feyre asked, her gaze fleeting between to Azriel who stood just a fraction too close to Elain and Morrigan who pretended not to notice.

“Hell, yes.” Cassian declared and he nearly clapped his hands together with glee.

We all stepped outside on the veranda where the Illyrians would fly us all down. Amren had chosen to forego the occasion as Varian was due to arrive from the Summer Court this evening to spend the holidays with her here. Azriel was taking both Morrigan and Elain, which Cassian seemed to enjoy with unabashed curiosity. They clang to him and he took flight, the flap of his wings almost a whisper against the heavy winter winds.

Rhysand looked at Cassian.

“Better you go first, in case you have a hard time. Or I could take both of them down and you just worry about yourself?”

Cassian bared his teeth and tightened his grip on me instantly.

“I can do it.”

His High Lord smiled teasingly but put his arms up as if to say he gave up. “Fine, but if you drop her I might not get to her in time.”

“Rhys…” Feyre whispered in warning.

“I’d rather fall to my death than fly with you again, you animal.” I said to him.

“You won’t have to, sweetheart.” Cassian declared and he pulled me closer and took off.

I clung to him and I knew he was showing off, taking the scenic route to Rita’s when we could have been there already. He flew me over the river, soaring high above the city so we could take in a bird’s eye view of it. The snowy roofs, the lights, the people that poured out on the streets ready for their night out.

Cassian cleared his throat, and I angled my head so I could look at him.

“So about the mating ceremony…” Cassian said awkwardly. “I have a feeling it was a bit too much to spring that upon you. No one expects us to announce anything…”

“Do you not belong to the High Lord’s court? To his Inner Circle?”

“Yes, but I’m Illyrian. No one by any means is expecting me to uphold tradition. That crap’s for High Fae.”

“And if I want to partake in _that crap?_ ”

“Then you shall have it. All of it. A big dinner, with all our friends. And you can stuff my face with whatever foods you like. And then we declare before them that we’re mated. And that’s that.”

He smiled as if it were the simplest thing in the world.


	27. Chapter 27

\- Cassian -

Nesta looked like a wave crashing on the white rocks of a Summer Court shore. Her simple dress clung to her body in ways that made my cock twitch and I had half a mind to undress her before our feet even hit solid ground again. But I found it in myself to keep it together. I landed a few streets from Rita’s and set her on her feet gently. I just wanted a moment alone with her before we had to be with other people again, dividing our attention between each other and the rest of the group. Not seeing her for the entire day while I had to listen to Rhys yap about how we’d go hard on the Illyrians was agony.

“You look stunning,” I said into her lips as I pulled her in for a kiss.

She groaned into my mouth and soon my tongue swept hers tasting her after a long and torturous day of being kept apart.

“I missed you,” I said with a smile as I pulled away before this went too far.

Her hands rested gently on my chest and I put mine on top of hers keeping them there.

“If it gets too much in there. You just say so.”

She shook her head. “I’ll be fine. Stop fretting. I’ll have a glass of wine. We’ll dance. I can control myself.”

“Fine…” I said and tried to look convinced.

She took my arm and when we got to Rita’s the rest of our family were already there waiting.

I heard Rhys’ gentle tap inside my mind.

 _“Needed a moment alone to get reacquainted?”_ He asked teasingly.

I stared him down.

_“Are you sure it didn’t strain you too much? The flying?”_

_“Yes.”_ I replied with confidence and just like that I felt his black talons retreat.

Mor’s eyes glimmered with excitement. It really had been too long since we’d all enjoyed a night out together.

Rhys led the way through the dimly lit speakeasy and found a quiet booth – the largest they had, that still only barely fit us all. Taking the opportunity I slid all the way down the end and pulled Nesta on my lap. I heard her little yelp of surprise through the loud music and again it went straight to my cock, which she was now deliciously grinding against as she tried to get comfortable.

Mor sat beside us and I scoffed.

“Why bother? You’ll be up and prancing around in two seconds anyways.”

“Care to join me?” She asked with a flick of her golden hair.

I felt Nesta instantly still and pin her with her gaze. But I run my hands up her arms and kissed her neck, sending Mor a message. Nesta would be the one to decide how my night went. If she wanted to sit here all night I’d happily just do that.

Mor’s eyes went just a bit cold at the rejection, but her smile stayed bright as she looked up at Az who she knew would never refuse her. Before she’d even asked, he took her hand and they pushed their way into the dance floor.

Inevitably I turned to Elain, who stood just a little bit stunned, her doe eyes emitting some sort of hurt that instantly made me want to put an arm around her and shield her from the world. Nesta must have seen it too because she climbed off my lap and sat beside me instead and patted the seat next to her inviting her sister to sit with us.

Rhys and Feyre sat across from us, whispering in each other’s ear like they’d only been mated yesterday. But I wasn’t really in a position to judge when everything in my blood called for me to assess every male in the room and eliminate any threats.

Some skimpily clad fae came and took our orders, I knew to get Az and Mor’s regular drinks too and she returned moments later with a full tray. Of course, no one left the High Lord and his friends waiting.

Az returned just in time, having left Mor somewhere on the dance floor where she presumably found another dance partner out of the crowd of High Fae who always pined to dance with her.

He took a seat next to Rhys and Feyre across from Elain. To a casual observer, Az’s expression would seem unreadable, just his usual intently blank stare. But I knew he was checking on Elain, the shadows on his shoulder filling him in on what had happened in the ten minutes he’d been gone.

He’d never refuse Mor, but he never ditched her so quick either… This small, quiet girl, almost as quiet as he was, had some hold over him.

She had a hard time meeting his gaze and kept her eyes fixed on Nesta’s face as they spoke, as if she could feel him looking, assessing her and she didn’t want to break character. It was all a bit too amusing, but as Nesta reached for her glass and took her first sip I found my mind hyper-focused and nothing else existed in the room anymore.

Not until Mor staggered back to the table and downed her drink in one gulp and declared she’d be going to get another. I wanted to groan in exasperation and have words with her, but I held my tongue and focused on the things I could still control.

I put my hands on Nesta’s waist and she turned around. “Dance with me?” I asked and I hoped she wouldn’t see right through my plan to distract her.

“But Elain –” she started to protest and I smiled.

“Somehow I think your sister will be just fine, sweetheart.”

She turned around following my line of sight to Azriel pulling Elain to him just as the music turned upbeat and twirl her around so her hair and dress were windswept and her face was flushed.

The competitor in me was stirring and I lifted Nesta off the ground and tossed her up in the air before catching her and dipping her down to the music until her cheeks too were rose-stained like Elain’s. But when she looked at me, her face was taught with fear and she pulled away from me as if I’d stung her.

\- Nesta -

Cassian’s eyes bore into mine and I saw the unbridled love that rippled through him, I felt it too, down the bond and it filled me with a fear that seized my senses. I felt overwhelmed, like I was drowning and I staggered back to the table that Rhys & Feyre were now leaving to go dance with the rest of their Inner Circle. Cassian followed me back. He whispered reassuring words, touching my arms and leaning in to kiss my cheek, but I pulled away.

“I just need a moment. Go dance with the others.” I told him.

He looked like he was about to protest, but I cut him off.

“I survived this long without you. I think I can manage ten minutes. I just need to sit down for a moment.”

His face betrayed his hurt, but I decidedly ignored him, turning away from him.

I was downing the rest of my drink when Morrigan plopped herself down next to me. Her radiant skin was streaked with sweat and her face flushed.

“Aah, I needed a break too.”

I ignored her but she continued on.

“I suggest you ice them as soon as we get back.”

“What?” I asked.

“Your toes!” She beamed. “Cassian always stepped on mine too when we danced.”

I was already feeling murky, but her off-hand comment, the mere mention of their shared history was just too much for me to take.

I got in her face as I hissed the words.

“I know what you all think of me. That I’m thankless, that I’ll drag him down with me. You think I don’t see how you look at him like he’s a dead man walking because he’s mated with a crazy bitch? Would you like him for yourself? Is that what this is?”

Morrigan threw her head back and laughed as if I’d told her the most amazing joke.

“Cassian really is a very handsome male. You’re lucky to be mated with him.”

My face grew red with what she was implying. That she knew _exactly_ how lucky I was to be mated with him, because she herself had had him in her bed.

“But I have not thought of Cassian in this way in quite a long time. It’s just the role we play in our little group of friends. It’s a habit we’ll have to shake off I suppose.”

I barely let her finish before I pushed past her and rushed outside where the cold midnight air pricked my face like a thousand needles. I was walking away, my steps taking me towards my own apartment, towards the seedier part of Velaris, seeking the peace and quiet, the privacy I’d once had in abundance, when Cassian landed in front of me.

I pressed my mouth into a thin line, eyeing his powerful wings that were spread wide behind him.

“You really shouldn’t overuse them.”

“You really shouldn’t walk alone in the middle of the night. It might send the wrong message.” His body was tense, his eyes spit fires. If I didn’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would never harm me, I would be scared for my life.

“And what message might that be?” I challenged him.

“That you don’t have a mate who would kill for you.”

I winced at the words, feeling the truth of them. And the same fear as before consumed me.

“I want to go home.” I demanded.

“I’ll take you now.” He conceded.

“I’m not going back to Feyre’s little palace. You can take me home or you can fly back to your friends.” I said evenly.

I tried to sidestep him, but he blocked my path.

“We’re staying at the House of Wind until Solstice. Then we can go anywhere you want. I’ll buy us a house. A real one, not that pigsty you call home.”

“You’re one to talk, I saw where you grew up now.”

I saw him wince at the words, and I knew it was a low blow. But I used the moment regardless, trying to break free from his hold. He didn’t budge.

“Can you at least pretend that you respect me even a little?” He laughed bitterly.

“Do you want me to fear and obey you too?” I spat back.

“I say we save that for our Mating Ceremony and you can give me whatever vows you think you can keep.”

I tried my hardest not to gape. But he cocked a smile of victory. He knew he had me right where he wanted me.

“Just set a date, sweetheart. And I’ll be there.”

“You sure have a way of sweeping a girl off her feet.”

“I suppose I can… Throw you off my shoulder and fly you up the mountain? Unless you want to cooperate?”

I made myself comfortable in his arms and we flew in silence only the sound of the wind howling against Cassian’s shield.


	28. Chapter 28

\- Nesta -

When we landed right at the same place where we’d fell off the sky thinking we’d die together, he didn’t put me down; instead he kept holding me as he walked through the palace and back to his room, _our_ room.

“Are you ever going to put me down?”

“What, and miss the opportunity to do this?” He shifted my legs so they were wrapped around his waist. “I wanted to do this since the first day I bedded you.” He whispered into my neck and the weight of his confession went straight to my core.

“I wanted to peel this dress off you since the moment I first saw you wear it at the beginning of the night.” He said as his lips claimed mine. When I felt the wall against my back I pushed against it and ground my hips against him and I felt him respond through the thin material of my dress.

“You hated it, didn’t you, Nesta? When those other males held you like you’re going to break. You dreamt of a real male treating you like you’re a real female made of fire and flesh.”

 _Fire…_ His words had me alight, my skin crawling with gooseflesh. I was so ready for him to touch me everywhere, claim every part of me.

A sound I’d never made before, feral and wild escaped my lips and I clawed at his clothes as if I’d rip them to shreds. Cassian saw the wildfire that threatened to consume me and he obliged me.

There was no teasing, no toying around with each other, no verbal sparring. He pulled the tie where my dress was secured around my neck and he tugged it down to expose my breasts and buried his face in them. He moved one hand between my legs, yanking the silky underwear out of the way and I heard it rip and saw him toss it aside.

“Tell me what you want, Nesta.” He said as he found his way to the sensitive spot on my neck and he kissed and teased it with his tongue while he fiddled with his pants, unlacing them.

When I felt him free himself and tease my entrance, I was already nearly done for from the way he’d manhandled me, the things he’d said to me. I had no words to express my need for him so I made another strangled sound as I gripped tighter around his neck and panted wildly in his ear.

He wasted no time as he entered me swiftly and set a brutal pace as he pounded into me. It was rough and loud and I realized he too was nearly as vocal as I was. He’d never been this expressive before, not with words anyway.

The tension built inside me, between my legs, and I felt myself slip from my body. My eyes no longer pulled focus, my ears rung and my hands tingled as my climax rippled through me. I tensed and went limp in his hands but he kept me propped up against the wall and thrust a few more times before I felt him still as he too found his release.

He lifted me off the wall then and carried me to the bed. Spent and exhausted, I was asleep before my body hit the mattress.

*

It had been a while since I woke to an empty bed. I was already used to his warmth, his big hands resting on my stomach or my thigh through the night. Last night, now that his wings were no longer bound he also used one to shield the both of us like a sheet.

But now as I lifted my head I found another note on my pillow. My heart bit fast as I squinted to read his now familiar handwriting.

_“I’ve gone on an errand with Rhys. It couldn’t wait. Try not to fight with Feyre. I’ll be back in two days. I love you. – C.”_

I practically flew into the dining hall where my sisters were having breakfast with Morrigan. None of the males were present, which distressed me even more.

“Where is my mate?” I asked no one in particular, but looking at Feyre.

“He had to take care of some… business.” She replied. And it was the voice of my sister, but the voice of my High Lady.

“Don’t you patronize me like that. Where is he? Why did he say nothing to me? What are you making him do this time?”

I was practically manic, my throat was so tight, my chest was heaving. I hadn’t been apart from him since we were properly mated and it was painful. Not just the panic of not knowing where he was and whether that he was well, but a physical pain like some part of me was missing.

Feyre seemed thrown by my outburst, but stood her ground and kept her mouth a tight line.

Elain and Morrigan just watched as both, frozen in their seats.

I turned to my other sister, my eyes pleading with her. “Elain, you must know something. Azriel must. Someone just tell me where my mate went.”

Elain’s eyes darted to Feyre waiting for her to give permission to speak.

“Elain, just tell me,” I said again. “Has he gone back to Illyria? It’s not even been a fortnight since he was… hurt.” I choked on that last word; it was too small to encompass what they’d done to him.

“He’s not in Illyria.” Elain whispered as if to appease me.

“Feyre! Where. Is. He?” I roared.

“He left with Rhys this morning. They’re flying to the mortal lands.”

“What? Why would they be doing that?” I said trying to make sense of it. Cassian wasn’t the person anyone would consider first for a diplomatic mission, and Morrigan was the one who dealt with the human lands. So why on earth was she here but Cassian was gone?

Feyre saw my confusion and decided to put me out of my misery. “It’s not for us, Nesta. It’s not official business.”

“What… what do you mean?” I stuttered.

And the name she spoke next was a name I’d never thought I’d hear ever again in my life.

“He went to find Tomas Mandray.”

I narrowed my eyes at her as I hissed. “You told him.”

“He wants to defend your honor. He feels it’s his duty as your mate.”

“He had his wings bound up until yesterday. He’s still not fully recovered.”

“Rhys is with him,” she countered. “They can winnow if he gets tired.”

I was done talking to Feyre though. I turned to Morrigan. Knowing we never saw eye to eye but that she would have his best interest at heart.

“You will take me there now.”

It shocked her how forward I was. But I knew she was considering it.

“If he’s to kill this man in my name, I ought to at least be there. No one gave me that option.”

“We never thought you’d want to face him. Cassian said…”

“I know what Cassian thinks,” I interjected. “I want to be there. For whatever happens. I owe him that. Even if he’s decided it’s best he doesn’t share his plans with me.” I turned to Morrigan again. “Will you winnow us? I still don’t know how…”

Morrigan pushed her chair back slowly, as if she was still contemplating it. She looked to her High Lady for permission and Feyre just gave a small nod. So Morrigan offered me her hand and I took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks to QueenAmydien for giving me the idea for next chapter's premise. I wasn't going to explore this but it was too much fun to leave out and the longer I thought of it I couldn't resist.


	29. Chapter 29

\- Cassian -

Flying in the open sky again, above the for the most part foreign landscapes of the human lands, under Rhys’ glamour of course, it felt freeing if it hadn’t been for the mission that awaited us when we landed. It was my own plan; Mother knows I had to practically beg Rhys to agree to it but I’d known it would be foolish to come alone, even if it were to just take care of a spindly human. I was thankful for my brother who insisted he joined me.

I knew of the line I was crossing, not just in terms of the treaty, but even for myself. To kill in battle was one thing, to take revenge on the people who worked my mother to death, who robbed me of my childhood, was another. But killing in my mate’s name was entirely different, yet it was a promise I had made the day I had seen the hurt in her eyes.

I had waited long enough to do this, distracted by the war, by the Illyrians, but this couldn’t wait any longer. I dreamed of the many ways I would snap his neck, after I broke every bone in his body, after I chopped his member off and gave it to him to cradle. I wondered if he’d scream, or cry, or beg for forgiveness, for mercy. Pray to his Gods for a quick death. But I knew I wouldn’t give it to him. I would watch as life slowly drained from his eyes, as his face became frozen into a mask of pain, I would stay above his body as his skin turned grey and then I would throw him into the nearest river.

I landed and I heard Rhys land beside me. I know he was worried, that I would level the whole village, or at least upend the asshole’s house. I knew he was raging a war against himself not to go into my mind and control the whole thing. He was a High Lord, even him just being here, a witness to what I’d do, it was against the treaty his father too had to sign. But he had followed me here, the same way he would follow me to the ends of the earth if I’d ask him to. If he’d known it would help bring me peace.

We stalked for the small plinth house that belonged to the woodcutter’s family. I knocked on the door first. And a small woman answered.

“Good day,” I said. The woman had done nothing to me, and I was about to rob her of her child. He may have been worse scum than the rats that scoured the town square, but she still bore him nine months, and bore through the pain of birthing him. Least I could do was be polite. “I’m looking for your second son. Is Tomas here?”

Her eyes snagged on my wings as absolute horror took over her features. Her gaze flitted inside and her lip trembled as she shook her head.

“Mind if I look just for a moment?” I didn’t want to scare her but I didn’t want to give him time to get away.

She dropped her head and moved to one side. She was sad, tired. She reminded me of my own mother in some ways. She was about to sob, but when she stopped herself, I knew it was because Rhys beheld her mind. He took away her pain and fear, and would probably ease her through the pain of losing her child. My brother was kind like that.

I looked around the one large room, only a handful of furniture, only a couple of places where he’d be hidden. I shut out the rest of the sounds of the room, isolating the one single heartbeat that thudded out more than the rest. I followed it underneath a bed and sure enough when I looked underneath I found him. I pulled him by the leg and dragged him out while his nails scraped across the floor trying to get enough resistance so he’d pull away from me.

I lugged him out, hauling him by the feet so his face and body was dragged in the mud and then released him. I wanted to toy with him, let his fear consume him before I even put my hands on him. I let him run a few steps before I caught up with him and yanked him back. He nearly fell to the floor again but I grabbed his collar and lifted him off the ground. I wanted to get a good look at the man who thought he’d sully a maiden. He had small, pinched features and his longish hair stuck to his head as the mud was already starting to cake in them. He searched my face in horror, and he then looked to my wings that were flared behind me. I would make this man piss himself with fear before I even started breaking his bones.

“Cassian.”

She didn’t call out my name. She said it like a command. And I froze, turning my head while I still held the woodcutter’s son in an iron grip as he flailed around trying in vain to escape.

“Nesta.” I said and I wished I hadn’t sounded so remorseful.

“Let go of him.” She asked and I scoffed.

“I can’t do that, sweetheart. I’m here for a reason.”

“Let. Go. Of. Him. I want to look at him.”

I obeyed with a sigh. I’d never refuse her.

And she stalked for him, menacing and powerful, her skirts flying in the icy wind. At the sight of her eyes, that were more otherworldly than I’d ever seen them before, as if they’d become a portal to show the fire that burned beneath them, the human, Tomas, fell back and tried to crawl away. His eyes frozen on her face that wasn’t menacing, just cold. The only thing that betrayed her wrath were her eyes. But she didn’t hit him, she didn’t ask me to either. She just looked at him one last time and then all of us as she spoke.

“When Feyre disappeared, I’d known that what that beast from the Spring Court had told us was not true. That she wasn’t with some aunt. I remembered how she’d been taken from our house. For trying to provide for us, for risking her life. I wanted to go get her back. I wanted to at least try. I thought maybe he truly loved me.” Her voice cracked then, and my heart with it. “So I went to him. To beg him to come with me. We’d get my sister and I’d marry him then. I’d always dreamt of a man who’d slay dragons for me.”

She turned then and smiled at me through her tears.

“I got something better,” she continued. “But what _he_ said to me was that if we were to marry, this is what people who loved each other did. That it was to be his payment.”

Rhys tipped his head. It wasn’t just the recognition of Feyre’s sacrifice, but also the guilt that we had all at some point blamed Nesta for not doing enough. I myself had called her out on it the day we first met. But there it was, clear as day how much she was willing to do for her.

Mor too was stunned, her eyes brimming with tears of recognition. They were similar my mate and my friend, Mor masked her pain in different ways, but they’d both suffered a great deal in the hands of males. It made Nesta cold, when it drove Mor to be louder, brighter than the sun.

I dared another look at Nesta, even her tears she shed with dignity. And I felt my love for her as every sob that escaped her rung in my ears; they filled my head, my whole being. I had planned to kill Tomas with my bare hands, but I was glad I brought my blade with me. I didn’t want Nesta to see me resort to savagery. I could do this the right way. One clean sweep and his head would no longer be attached to his body.

I approached my mate, and we stared down at her assaulter together.

“Tell me what you wish me to do. If you need my dagger, you shall have it.” I declared and awaited her command.

“You will do nothing,” Nesta replied. “I don’t want you getting your hands dirty with this filth’s blood. I want him to do it.” She turned and looked straight into Rhysand’s violet eyes. “I want you to make him never want to touch another woman ever again. To feel repulsed by the very idea of it. And when he goes to touch himself. I want you to make him feel small, and disgusting and inadequate. I don’t want him to die. I want him to live and every day think of what he tried to do to me and that he will never get that release again. Or the satisfaction of overpowering defenceless women.”

Rhys just nodded, his face as cold as Nesta’s but he approached Tomas and I saw his face distort at whatever images Rhys sent into his sick and twisted mind. He wept and Nesta watched him do so unflinching, I put my arm around her and she leaned into me.

Tomas cried and whimpered, while Rhys worked his mind over and over until he put his hands in his pockets, a calm satisfaction washing over his face as he looked to Nesta.

“It’s done.” He said simply and moved closer to Mor, reaching a hand for her.

“I can still kill him. If you change your mind, you know.” I said trying to put the humor back in my voice. “Or I could just maim him.”

Nesta shook her head as he placed a hand on my chest. From the corner of my eye I saw Tomas Mandray twist his face in disgust. I had half a mind to at least break his nose for it. But Nesta steadily commanded me.

“I want you to fly me back.”


	30. Chapter 30

\- Nesta -

When we were airborne, the lands from whence I came, the very place that was tied to one of the darkest patches in my mostly bleak life already so far behind us, I turned to him. He hadn’t said a word this whole time and I just felt the anger vibrate off him, I saw it in his feathered jaw, his tense muscles. He’d usually been the most relaxed, the most himself during flight, but today his mind was still elsewhere.

My mind raced with questions, but I stayed silent. As touched as a part of me had been that he felt compelled to kill for me – no person would remain indifferent to such gesture, I was also terrified of the hold I had over him. If this were what the bond came down to, then perhaps this had all been a mistake.

The force inside me that always had me wanting to flee was riled up, demanding to push to the surface. But I held on tight to the moments where I’d known Cassian had been my end and my beginning, and I for once held my tongue.

I shivered; I hadn’t taken a cape or gloves and the winter cold felt like needles on my skin. The movement seemingly broke his reverie as he turned to look at me, and his eyes softened.

“Nearly there,” he mumbled and pulled me closer running a hand up and down my arm to get the blood flowing.

*

Elain was outside looking up at the sky as if she’d known we were nearing. _She probably did know,_ I realized.

But I dashed straight past her and went for our room. I wouldn’t have it out with him. Not out here.

He followed me of course. Like death on my heels.

I flinched when he slammed the door behind him.

“You let me. Walk away. From the scum that nearly…” he choked on the word. “That nearly _raped_ you.” He didn’t say the word. He whispered it.

His eyes were like black holes, the anger that seethed in them searing me, calling to the white-hot flames that danced in my very being.

“You had no right, Cassian. I never asked for this.”

“I made you a promise.”

I thought back to the day he’d somehow read my thoughts, when he’d worn out my defences and I slipped up, showing him a glimpse of my pain. I stayed silent.

“I think some times you think higher of me than I deserve,” he continued, his tone solemn.

“I could say the same thing.”

“You think this is the first time I’d have gotten revenge on a pig such as him?”

He didn’t even want to utter Tomas’ name.

But then I understood what he said and jealousy rose in my chest before I could suppress it. It may have been before I was even born, but somehow I knew if I had the female he’d killed for in front of me, I might have lunged at her.

He must have sensed it in me, because he covered the distance between us in two strides and he stood before me, so close our foreheads touched.

“I did it for my mother.”

The air was knocked out of me at the way his face contracted with pain as he spoke. Was it his own father he killed? I thought he hadn’t known him…

“I killed the lowlifes that had worked her to death, like she was an animal. I wanted to find her. I had tried for so long but before I’d come of age it was impossible, and when I finally got back to the hellhole I’d crawled out of, she was already dead. So I did the one thing those sons of bitches taught me. The one thing I was good at. I killed them. All of them.”

His tone, the words. I felt dizzy. I didn’t want to hear anymore.

But I saw it in his face how he laid himself bare for me. The ugly parts, the broken parts. How he wanted someone to see him for who he really was. Flaws and all.

I did. I saw him.

I put my hand on his cheek and he leaned into the touch closing his eyes.

“I’m not afraid of you. And you are not a bad person, Cassian. I’m only afraid of your love for me. Of what you’d be willing to do.”

“Nothing. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” He said as he scooped me in his arms and carried me to bed.

I knew the truth of his words; I felt it in my bones. I would die for him too, so that made us even, I supposed.

*

That night his dreams must have been plagued with images of her, his mother. He whined for her like a wounded beast, the sound too guttural and wild. It called to the part of me that was now bound to him, that wanted to shield him from pain. Even if I had to shield him from himself.

I fought with the dark feelings that told me he might hate me for seeing the weakness in him. But when I slipped away from his hold on me and sat up in bed, gently squeezing his arm, I told myself it was because I owed him, because he’d already done the same for me.

“Cassian... Cassian! Wake up.”

He jolts awake, still shaken from the dream, his eyes wildly darting around the room. I put my hand on his chest and reflexively he put his over mine. I breathed in and out for him once, then twice audibly and slowly he mirrored my breathing and his features relaxed again.

“What?” he said as he loosed a long tortured breath.

“I think I’m not the one who needs to be held now.” I said gently.

“What?” he asked again.

I kissed his brow that was streaked with cold sweat, the saltiness of it staining my lips, and then gently pulled his head to my chest and stroked his hair.

“You know I always dreamed of the day you’d pull me to your breast…” he said sleepily as he drifted back to sleep.


	31. Chapter 31

\- Cassian -

I was still half asleep when I heard it. When I slept, I always sought out Nesta’s heartbeat and anchored myself to it and it just made it easier to slip under when I knew she was there. But what woke me was a symphony. Her steady beat mixed with something else – a faint, quick thunder. A muffled sound that seemed to call to me from behind a veil.

I willed my thoughts into focus, shaking off slumber and taking in the room. It wasn’t an intrusion; this wasn’t some creature I hadn’t encountered before hiding in some dark corner of the room. _Then what was it?_

And then as Nesta shifted in her dream, I heard it more clearly as she pushed the blankets down to her hips, presumably growing hot as she slept. The sound, this new heart, loud and clear as my ears twitched and adjusted to the sound of it, straining to focus only on that, came from her. From my mate who slept peacefully at my side, bearing my child. Hearing the faint beating, I felt like the first time I flew over a cliff, elated and terrified at the same time.

I wanted to wake her, I wanted to scream, to shout it from the rooftops, I wanted to dance, and fly and most importantly I wanted to share this with her. But for the moment, I decided I’d let her be. That she needed the rest and I just vowed not to fall asleep again, so I’d tell her the moment she’d open her eyes.

So I listened to every beat of both their hearts, I scented the change in her as she became more than just Nesta. I watched the pinkish hues of dawn turn to golden morning light, and all the while I listened in, drunk with the sounds of Nesta’s rhythmic breaths and the small life that grew inside of her.

When she woke, she always reached for me first, her hand resting on my cheek or my chest and then she opened her eyes, like a compass looking for true North. I vowed never to have her wake to an empty bed, never to reach out and not find me there, not if I could help it. There’d be those days, I could understand that, but let them be far and few.

I took her hand and brought it to my lips and then I tucked it to her chest as I leaned over her to kiss her brow. She smiled and I felt like I was floating.

“Good morning, sweetheart.” I breathed.

“Morning,” she mumbled and was ready to roll over and have another snooze.

But I felt like a kid that couldn’t wait any longer to unwrap my present, how fitting that it should happen on Solstice.

“Nesta, you’re pregnant.”

Her eyes went wide with shock. “How would you possibly know?” She asked.

I flashed her a grin, of the variety that went straight to her core. “Well, I just know things sometimes, sweetheart.” I said as I kissed her again. She seemed unconvinced, confused.

“I can hear his heart,” I explained. “And if I focus past your delicious scent, I can smell him too.”

“You know it’s a him?” she asked as a shy smile bloomed on her beautiful face.

“To be fair I don’t, but call it intuition.”

“You’re a seer too now?” She laughed and I couldn’t help but notice how she rested her hands on her stomach, how the corners of her eyes that looked like crystalline sees today crinkled. I rested mine on top of hers and looked into those eyes as I spoke the words. “Children are a rare gift in our world.” I thought of Rhys and Feyre, of their efforts, for years, to no avail. “Thank you, mate for blessing me with one.”

She nodded and her eyes welled up.

When I made love to her that morning it wasn’t our usual heat, the kind that felt almost like we were punishing each other. I worshipped her body, the one that was home to our offspring, I savored the feel of her as we laid skin to skin, and I held her close for hours, our limbs tangled as we dozed off again.

We woke again in the early afternoon to the bustling sounds of Elain hovering around the house, poor Az probably in tow as she decorated for Solstice dinner.


	32. Chapter 32

\- Elain -

There was a lull in the conversation and everyone’s eyes darted to the staircase where Nesta and Cassian descended, holding hands. He was beaming, the picture of absolute joy and she seemed at peace. Her delicate features for once not strained, but rather serene. Nesta was always beautiful, but today she seemed to glow from within. I found I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

And just then as they often come, I felt the pull of a vision call to me. And I only barely managed to excuse myself and slip away to the veranda. I heard Azriel’s hasty footsteps behind me, and felt his steadying hand rest on my shoulder. I let the images embrace me as I lifted a hand to run my fingers along the ridges of his scars and grounded myself as the image swept me – Nesta, not simply glowing, but swelling with life inside of her.

I gasped at the happiness that the vision gave me and blinked away the tears that already pooled in my eyes. They must have already known themselves, their faces betrayed that. I turned around to face Azriel and found his hazel eyes searching mine for an answer. But I only gave him a smile; I wouldn’t deprive his best friend of the delight of announcing his news himself.

“Let’s just go back inside.” I whispered.

He only kissed my temple and kept his hand hovering just inches away from the small of my back, leading me through the double doors to the hall.

Decorated for the occasion, it may not be as intimate and cozy as the living room of the townhouse where we had spent last Solstice, but its size worked for this still-growing it seemed family.

I stole a glance at them where they sat down and hoped that I wouldn’t give their secret away with the excitement I felt bubbling up inside of me.

I caught my sister’s eye from where she was sat across the room, and I smiled in encouragement. She arched a brow in question, but the conversation moved on, with Rhysand proposing a toast in Feyre’s honor.

We all wished a happy birthday to my youngest sister and then moved to the table for the Solstice dinner.

\- Feyre -

Rhys had been curiously eyeing Nesta all night, so had Azriel in his own more discreet way. Elain seemed like she was on the verge of saying something the entire time. But it was only when Cassian stood up before we started eating that I knew what this would be about. One look in my friend’s eyes, one look at my sister who tipped her chin up and lock eyes with her mate, and I knew what he was about to tell us.

Cassian’s words were a blur; Mor clapped her hands in delight and leaped from her seat to embrace him and then Nesta – Nesta, who didn’t flinch at her touch, who accepted that Mor’s joy at their happiness was genuine. Amren complained he’d be even more overbearing now but her eyes were smiling. Meanwhile I felt mine water, and when it was my turn to pull Nesta close, Elain too joined. It had been a while since all three of us held each other. Last time it had happened it had been for something horrible and we cried of relief, this time it was tears of joy that stained all our cheeks.

Rhys clapped Cassian in the back, and Azriel, in an unusual display of emotion also pulled him in for a hug, possibly the first time I’ve seen the two males so emotional.

\- Nesta -

Elain had fallen asleep on Azriel’s shoulder. I saw her lids heavy from the wine, and perhaps excitement of the day. She’d been for the most part quiet and when we moved to the plush settees she struggled to stay awake. She had gently leaned against him and he hadn’t minded, the wine had loosened his tongue and he too was making jokes with Rhysand and Cassian, jokes that were for the most part at Amren’s expense.

The atmosphere was truly festive this year, no clouds of unspoken pain looming over us anymore, the wounds had been aired and were starting to heal.

The party had long since died down when Azriel scooped up my sister in his arms, his shadows wrapping around her like a blanket, or a winter cloud. And then her mate Lucien, appeared at the door, clearly battered from a long journey. He took their image, the shadowsinger holding the sleeping girl but said nothing, though the hurt in his eyes was unmistakeable.

As Azriel took Elain to her room Lucien seemed lost, stranded, but then when he returned to let him know that he go could see her, Lucien seemed elated and agitated at the same time.

Lucien was gone for longer and when he returned that’s when he finally seemed present, _himself_ for the little that I had known him. His fae senses as powerful as the other males, he heard or scented the child that was growing inside of me and congratulated me for it, his joy genuine. I knew the primal instincts that came with the mating bond had him considering what my sister would be like as a mother. And for a moment I thought of that too, Elain patiently attending to a crying toddler, one with fiery hair and kind, brown eyes.

I took Cassian’s hand.

“Take a walk with me?” I asked and he followed me outside, where the cold hit my face, making my sense sharper, awaking them.

We watched the dawn break over the clouds like a ripple that swallowed the silky darkness of the night in bright haze. We took in the vastness of the Court we served, its flickering lights below telling thousands of stories. I offered a silent prayer to the Mother as I found my hands resting protectively over my stomach. Catching the movement, Cassian put his strong arm around my shoulders as if he wanted to cast his own protective shield over the little seed that is both him and me that now rested in my womb. Planting a soft kiss on my brow he kept his head there.

“Happy Solstice, Nesta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Raphaella & Claire for being my constant encouragement in working through this, all the people who’ve left comments & feedback throughout this journey, particularly QueenAmydien for her always amazing suggestions. Also thankful for the people who sought me out on TikTok and chased my ass when I took long breaks between chapters and of course although it feels quite silly it’s important to mention that I’m thankful for Sarah who’s created this world that’s been my constant escape from the awful reality we’re facing.  
> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this.


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